Tooned In: The Flintstones – Ventriloquist Barney (1963)

Fred would probably give Mox title defenses on Dynamite **** every week, am I right?

Random streaming complaint of the day: there’s a PBS Retro channel on Roku TV. It’s bad enough that they literally only air five different shows during the week, but when you get to Reading Rainbow…they plastered the intro of episodes with the original theme and animations with the lamer, later opening sequence and theme. WHY?! Does Tina Fabrique ask for THAT MUCH money to use the original theme song? I was waiting weeks to catch an older episode in hopes of seeing the malicious butterfly changing kids into strange cartoon characters. The mark out was building inside of me. And then…that.

On the other hand, my fears that the Legion of Doom were facing retirement proved to be premature, because after the Super Powers episodes finish in the afternoon, MeTV Toons will mix it up a bit and cycle back to Challenge of the Superfriends instead of going to the beginning of the series. Probably because they have been in the 1973 season on overnight airings anyway. When will I learn to Believe In Weigel?

Now back to the matter at hand…it’s time for another wrestling themed cartoon, and while technically I could wait for MeTV Toons to air it, I decided to cheat and find it on Max. I might as well, because at any time, David Zaslav could notice and then wonder, “Who gave me the rights to those cereal mascots?” and pull it like he did Looney Tunes. And yes, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Zaslav only recognizes the Flintstones as Fruity Pebbles commercial characters. Kind of like how when The Simpsons started showing up on Tracey Ullman, I would just call them “The Butterfinger Commercial Show.”

Streaming retains the cold open/preview, which jumps to the wrestling element when the girls see a baby at a wrestling match. Wilma wonders what kind of parent would let their infant go to wrestling, predating the PTC by 35 plus years. Or if the whole Jetsons/Flintstones conspiracy theory is true, she lived through that already.

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, and yooooou know the rest…

We start the story proper when Barney studies ventriloqism, and decides he’ll try it out on Betty. Mel Blanc is between his older Barney voice and the one most of us would probably remember, complete with the Rubble laugh that he does roughly after every other sentence. He throws his voice at Betty’s feather duster…no wait, it’s one of the typical Flintstones funny animal household tools, who is humming alongside Betty. “Haven’t you seen a hummingbird before?” is today’s It’s A Living musing. Then Barney does the Senor Wences routine with a box of candy.

Over at the Flintstones, Wilma minds Pebbles when Barney comes looking for Fred to show off his new hobby. In this episode’s WTH Cartoon?!? Moment, Wilma asks why there aren’t any woman ventriloquists, and Barney says it’s impossible because you aren’t supposed to move your lips…and women can’t keep their mouths shut. And Wilma AGREES and finds Barn’s sexism funny! She is just more excited to see him trick Fred.

(Aha, so that explains the years of Fruity Pebbles theft, and why we stopped seeing Wilma in those commercials. She needed something to make her marriage exciting again, so she remembered this kink and doubled as a voyeur as she got turned on watching Barney outwit his old buddy time and time again. His elaborate disguises was probably Wilma doing some projected roleplaying to get in the mood. Why is The Flintstones so easy to get caught up in fan theories over? )

So Fred returns, and faints from shock when Barney makes like Pebbles can talk. When he comes to, he’s convinced it was for real. Barney, being Barney, keeps tricking him and has “Pebbles” make him do funny stunts. But Fred, being Fred, eventually gets wise to the ruse when he notices that Pebbles is sleeping, and goes into his usual reaction of giving chase and threatening violence. Later, Fred is watching Pebbles when Barney comes back with a peace offering: tickets to a wrestling show. I was hoping it would end up being a World Cavemen Wrestling show from 2,000,000 B.C. etched in stone tablets by Vince Russorock and featuring the WCW champion, the famous stone age comedian David Arcrater. Insert Fred shouting “BARNEY! YOU TRICKED ME!” and chasing him, etc. etc. But no, it’s the title match between Bronto Crushrock and the Masked Mauler. “Crusher,” “Masked,” and “Mauler” makes up like half the 60s wrestler tropes alone. Fred is happy, but what about Pebbles? No problem, says Barn, just call a babysitter. I hear Mr. McMagma caused Russorock to leave the Jurassic World Wrestling Federation suggesting the same. The part about explaining what happens when Bronto gets mad, and Fred doing just that when they realize that Barney forgot the tickets, is one of the things that stuck with me from memories of this episode. The babysitter predictably decides to call her friends over for a party, but gets found out when Fred returns to get the tickets and kicks everybody out. Both Dino and Pebbles are still grooving to what sounds like a prototype of the Josie and the Pussycats theme song. William Hanna or Joe Barbera should have joined the EPA, they’d convince everyone that you’ll get far from recycling.

So we’re back at square one. Fred is stuck at home because it’s too late to call another babysitter. Barney says why not take Pebbles and now he is against sexism, reasoning that Fred would have done so if he had a son, and that this may cause Pebbles to grow up resentful. Well, Sally Struthers did try to dish dirt on Betty White, so he has a point there. Fred agrees for the sake of helping her grow up to be a normal, healthy girl. Freddy boy, I have news for you: NO ONE who becomes a wrestling fan grows up to be normal.

At the arena, they’re just in time for the main event, and Fred says the preliminaries were no good anyway due to the lack of blood. Again, he has a future writing reviews here every Wednesday night. And I recognized the word “preliminary” from the Apter mags using “preliminary wrestlers” or “prelim bums” as their code words for “jobbers.” Also, the idea of bringing children to possibly bloody wrestling shows reminds me of when my six-year-old cousin got to go to a local ECW house show, when his dad had NO idea about the company. For months after he’d remind me about the immortal words of “Balls Maloney”: (insert nonsense sentence with F-bombs everywhere here). Anyway, before the match, famous mini wrestler Shorty Shortstone makes a random appearance. A housewife who seems like a hate watcher/soccer mom type takes the opportunity to insult Fred for bringing a baby girl to wrestling, and Barney uses his ventriloquism to have Pebbles clap back and declare herself the Mini Wrestler Queen. Going back to the personal accounts, when I was still in grade school, I thought entering that division would be my ticket into the WWF. I also had a contigency plan if I ever got suspended from school, involving wearing a mask and pretending to be a new student. I told you, NOT GROWING UP TO BE NORMAL.

The match starts, and being a 50s/60s cartoon depiction of wrestling, we get bald, burly grapplers, with a hint of wink, wink about the true nature of the business when Pebbles crawls onto the apron and everyone breaks character to make nice with her. Mauler also outs himself as the department store Santa…and DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE FLINTSTONES AND CHRISTMAS. Mauler applies an ankle lock and it looks like Bronto is tapping, but that finish wouldn’t be invented for another 2,001,996 years. There’s a ref bump, then both wrestlers knock each other out. Around this time, the girls are playing bridge and Betty turns on the TV and accidentally tuned into the match, just in time to see Pebbles make it a TRIPLE THREAT. Of course, Wilma discovers it’s her and makes a dash to the arena, where as she puts it, “I’ve got a baby to rescue… and a husband to pulverize!” Meanwhile, Pebbles does multiple Sullivan Double Stomps on the pile of unconscious men, and the announcers declare her the new champion. VINCE RUSSO BOOKED LIKE EVERY CARTOON WRESTLING MATCH. That’s all. Still, Pebbles is instantly over with the Mastadon Square Garden crowd, so this is better than the Arquette or Russo title changes? Still, not enough action, too much worked shooting, and a BS finish, only saved by a hot crowd for Pebbles’ victory. -**

Luckily for Fred, he beats Wilma home, but despite pretending they were asleep all along, when Wilma grills him, he breaks down and tells the truth. But it’s okay because Pebbles was okay. We close with some final Barney antics…or were they? He calls to check in on his neighbors, so he couldn’t have been throwing his voice. Fred and Wilma both faint at the idea that Pebbles can really talk. So we end on a “It was a dream…or was it? variant. With all the reminders I gave myself of Russo booking, seems about right.

BONUS: So you thought Pebbles’ career as a wrestler was over? Nope, fast forward to 2009 and this Cocoa Pebbles commercial that has her and Bamm-Bamm getting the better of a very familiar looking wrestler on Cocoa Smashdown. So familiar, that someone decided that didn’t work for him, brother, and sued Post. Obviously because he couldn’t stand a Hulk Hogan lookalike being associated with Cocoa Pebbles. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPBxf0ArH5M