Rants

Live Feed Mania – WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 01/18/97

By Maffew Gregg on 15 January 2025

Previously In Live Feed Mania…

WWF @ San Antonio, TX – Denim & Diamonds – January 18, 1997

We’re in a bar in Texas the day before the Royal Rumble, let’s see if anything interesting happens! If not blame Richard Land.

Vince checks his audio levels as he chats to Todd while fans are line dancing in front of them. Todd says Goldust and Marlena will blend in perfectly because “there’s more Queens here than in England.” Vince suggests “more Kings than in Memphis” and Todd compliments him on softening it up.

J.R. sings Family Tradition with the crowd and sounds like he’s having genuine fun for once.

We get a reminder that this is not New York, we’re very much in Texas for a night of weirdness as WWF was trying very hard to be different during a period of uncertainty. Vince points out J.R. is wearing a cowboy hat for one of the first times in WWF and boy does he look happy about it.

Sunny and Todd line dance with the crowd as Vince is like “OH MY, HOW CRAZY THIS IS TO SEE” at a country bar in Texas.

WWF IC Champion Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Rocky Maivia

Non-title because Helmsley has Goldust tomorrow and oh god I forgot about their rubbish, never-ending feud. Helmsley vows to win tomorrow “in front of the biggest crowd ever.” Don’t be silly, everyone knows that was Bash At The Beach 1995. Rocky’s music starts and some guy in the crowd starts doing the tomahawk chop because he thinks it’s Tatanka.

We get reminded that Rocky came to Sable’s aid last week but Marc Mero got mad at her for talking to him. No mate, it’s Brock you need to worry about but the name is close. And these bunch of drunk cowboys all love Rocky! They go absolutely nuts for him as he armdrags Helmsley everywhere. Rock scoop slams Helmsley and the ring is incredibly bouncy tonight. Helmsley takes some more armdrags before Jake Roberts throws his snake into the ring to send us to break! Random things are happening! It’s fun!

Rare for a Live Feed, we get proper adverts. We get a Crash Bandicoot commercial where he advertises Tobal #1. Why’s Crash plugging a game that isn’t his? Is it like when Randy Savage would plug Hogan’s action figure?

When we come back, Jake has sat down to commentate and laugh about how he was just testing the waters for tomorrow because it might be his last Rumble. Hey, good call, it was. Helmsley blocks a back drop with a knee because that was his answer for everything in 1997. He cockily picks up Rocky on a pin attempt but then struggles to put him away for real-real. Crowd are loving everything that’s occurring, more wrestling should occur in bars. Marlena heads out to ringside as Jake wants her attention. Helmsley lets Marlena blow cigar smoke into his face which motivates Goldust into charging him as Vince yells “IT WAS A SET UP!”

Oh and then the funniest thing happens: Helmsley attempts to run away through the crowd but it’s absolutely rammed wall-to-wall so he has to legit fight his way through the sea of cowboys like he’s Geronimo.

Match is called off at roughly the twelve minute mark as Goldust chases HHH out the back door. Rocky has his hand raised, crowd cheers cos they’re drunk.

Oh and now there’s more dancing this time via the Cowboy Macarena. If you weren’t around for it, you wouldn’t believe the stranglehold this song had on the entire planet.

Sid in an empty arena quotes Nietzsche (!) while whispering, vowing to become a monster as he destroys Michaels in front of all his family “and all the Mexicans from Mexico.” Genuinely great stuff compared to the rest of the cosplay ECW on this show.

Speaking of which, Honky Tonk Man deals blackjack for Histeria and Mini Mankind. He takes their money by dealing the cards from the bottom of the deck while Vince yelling explains what he’s doing because the nuance needed clarifying.

We get another commercial break with NFL GameDay ’97.

When we return, Bob Backlund is in the middle of New York traffic, yelling. It’s random! Stuff is happening!

Mini Mankind & Histeria vs. Mascarita Sagrada Jr. & Venum

Mini Mankind is accurate even down to the posing in the corner during the entrance and…oh hey get your cameras out, it’s a Vlad appearance.

Todd attempts to interview Mini Mankind but he doesn’t know Spanish. Stuff is happening!

Histeria is Super Crazy, Mascarita Sagrada Jr. is the original version and this is so out of place for WWF. Venum attempts to backflip off Histeria’s shoulders but slips. That’s the opening spot. J.R. reminds us Steve Austin is coming up. Venum takes a headscissors to the outside but comes back in to land a springboard headscissors of his own. Both men need to keep adjusting their massive Psicosis’ esque masks. Venum lands a big plancha to the outside and into a giant neon cactus. Sagrada and Mankind tag in and their moves are much smoother, especially with Sagrada’s fearless crossbody off the top to the outside.

Steve Austin joins us for commentary because stuff is happening! Venum and Histeria tag in for more rough sequences, culminating with a springboard Frankensteiner. Austin is much nicer to focus on as he runs down everyone and promises to give Goldust a throat injury. Sagrada lands more sweet, smooth moves as he’s in a class of his own as he takes out Mini Mankind again. Venum misses a skytwister press (using the ceiling to adjust himself) and Austin remarks “aw jeez” with lots of fake concern. Histeria ends it with a Liger Bomb and Mini Mankind even gets the Mankind outro music too.

Venum and Histeria were very indie and unfocused in their offence but Sagrada was beautiful out there. Crowd cheered everything because booze.

Oh then we cut to George & Adam, the superfans who love WWF and are stupid. Read about them here if you’re that way inclined.

Todd introduces Texas’ own Terry Funk which Austin takes issue with. Funk is on fire (not like that, calm down Foley) as he is happy to be here and ready to rumble. Funk doesn’t care what number he gets, he doesn’t mind starting it because he’s going to finish it. Austin is getting madder and madder with every comment. Funk claims there’s no-one in WWF that wants to tangle with him, or in WCW. “Those bunch of snakes! Egg suckin’ scum bags!” Funk then wants to fight “that Yankee bastard” McMahon. Funk tells Todd he knows this show’s live, so what? “Your mother’s a whore!” Funk spots Austin and heads his way and challenges Vince, Austin and the cameramen but Austin surprisingly doesn’t take the bait. Oh wait, yeah he does. Funk slaps Austin until Steve retaliates, sending Funk outside and into more adverts. Best thing on the show by a country mile with only Funk understanding how to be chaotic on a show about chaos.

Faarooq (w/ Crush, D-Lo Brown, Clarence Mason, & other Nation members) vs. Jesse Jammes

Jammes microphone doesn’t work to begin so J.R. dead-pans “I know how he feels.” Jammes tries to remove some of the Nation from the ring and leaves himself wide open like a dumb-dumb to get clotheslined from behind. Jammes lands a hip toss and lands the three punch combo he’d perfect before a back suplex gets two. Then Faarooq casually stops a leapfrogging Jammes with a spinebuster and a Dominator ends it at 1:55.

Not much here but the white guys in the front row dancing to the Nation’s slow theme by doing the “raising the roof” pose made me smile.

Steve Austin vs. Goldust

We’ve got barely ten minutes left so we’re hurrying up. Or not as we have to see Sagrada playing pool elsewhere because stuff is happening!

Now that’s out the way, here’s Goldust who is gaining in popularity “for some reason” says J.R. I don’t recall that. Austin stomps a mudhole in Goldust before kicking him in the dick. How did the ref not see that? C’mon ref this is a serious show. Goldust locks in a Hammerlock armbar as we head to more real commercials.

When we return, Terry is in the ring to attack Austin which causes everyone to run in for the big brawl DQ at 5:30ish. Helmsley chokes Goldust with Sagrada’s pool cue and the show goes off the air with Funk dumped in a beer tub.

Overall: Stuff was happening! An old out-of-touch white guy’s idea of stuff, but it at least wasn’t dull. Weird, yes but dull, no. Only Satellite Feed exclusive was J.R. singing and that was at the start so once you’ve got bored of that you can watch the only Funk and Austin interaction and move on with your life.

I’ve been Maffew