Minus-Star Match Reviews: Pat Patterson vs. Gerald Brisco – WWE King Of The Ring 2000

Many people have said that 2000 was one of the best years in WWE history. Well those people must’ve forgotten that this match exists.

Although the company was firing on all cylinders that year and MOST of its product output was solid that year, every company has misses and this was one of them. It took place on perhaps the worst show of the year. It involved two non-wrestlers competing against each other instead of being bit players in an active wrestler’s story. It was filled with theatrics and not the good kind. And even though the entire segment including pre-match hype video and post-match fallout lasted only ten minutes, it was enough to make an entire audience of over 17,000 groan in disgust. But was it really that bad? Read on to find out.

The story

Patterson and Brisco were among the most famous of Vince McMahon’s cronies during the Attitude Era. They did his dirty work for him and weren’t above taking bumps if it meant their boss getting what he wanted. It wasn’t long before WWE realized that these two corporate butt-munchers were genuine heat magnets and anyone standing in their way would become a babyface by default. So to help create more babyfaces, WWE booked these two non-wrestlers as part of the Hardcore title division. You know, that bottom-of-the-barrel wackiness-filled division mostly composed of lower-carders with the occasional higher-up wrestler like Kane making a cameo.

Anyway, Brisco’s second reign as Hardcore Champion came about when he interfered in a match between Crash and Hardcore Holly and stole the win and the title, what with the 24/7 rules and all. Soon afterwards on the same show, Patterson pinned Brisco. Stunned at this infighting, Vince McMahon booked them to face each other at KOTR. But since both of them were long since retired, it was determined that they needed a ton of smoke and mirrors to cover up their shortcomings, and in WWE parlance “smoke and mirrors” translates into “DUDES IN DRESSES!”. I wish I knew how to make it make sense.

The match

This took place on June 25, 2000. It was rated -*** by the Wrestling Observer’s Dave Meltzer and was voted the Worst Match of the Year by his readership.

Brisco comes out first in a long black dress and lipstick, carrying a 2×4, and from his facial expressions he seems rather…comfortable…in his match. Then Patterson comes out and…I just don’t know what to write to describe him besides (ಠ_ಠ).

Before the match starts, Patterson offers to lay down for Brisco as a gesture of friendship, but then knees him in the balls when they hug. The bell rings and Patterson exposes Brisco’s pantyhose. Patterson sticks a banana in Brisco’s mouth as the commentators make lewd jokes about it. Then Patterson pulls out what looks like a sanitary pad and shoves it into Brisco’s mouth as well. You can hear the audience groaning in what can only be described as disgust. Patterson hikes up his dress and teases a stinkface but Brisco lands a low blow. Brisco whacks Patterson with his show as his wig falls off. The crowd starts booing extremely loudly and then they chant ‘BORING’ as Brisco lands a Bronco Buster.

Both men start ripping at each other’s dresses when Crash Holly runs down to a (relatively) big pop. Crash removes Brisco’s dress and then cracks Patterson in the head with a garbage can to get a three-count to steal the title back, ending this absurd atrocity.

Match result: No Contest after 3:07 (Crash Holly wins the WWE Hardcore Championship due to 24/7 Rule)

Review

I’m glad that I watched this match while visiting Kyoto because it’s going to take the combined power of all 1,600 temples and 400 shrines in the city from every religion, sect, and dedication to every deity great and small under the sun to cleanse my eyes and soul of this atrocity. I don’t think that even the most immature nine-year old playing his first wrestling video game would come up with something like this and think it was good. It was just a waste of ten minutes designed to entertain one person’s particularly bizarre sense of humor. That isn’t just me saying so; you can hear it in the crowd. Not a single person cheered for any “spot” in this match. The toilet/shock humor elicited what sounded like genuine disgust from people who wanted to see something, anything else. Even Jim Ross had to acknowledge that “this ain’t rassling” knowing that he was in the unenviable position of having to at least cover this without justifying this.

It was complete garbage with the only good moment coming from Crash Holly ending things. If that was by design then bravo, at least someone in WWE knows how to use the company’s assets to get someone at least somewhat over. Crash received a hero’s welcome by comparison because he prevented this match from going any further. Had it reached its natural conclusion, who knows what kind of weirdness these two would put on to entertain their audience of one.

Final Rating: -****1/2

Although this was only three minutes long including Crash Holly’s interference, it was slow, nonsensical, absurd, and indefensible. No one paid the price of admission or whatever the price of PPV was back in 2000 to see two geriatrics in drag try and rip each other’s clothes off under the guise of wrestling-meets-toilet-humor. This was done to satisfy one person who seemed to relish in creating controversy great or small however he could.

The only reason I’m not going all the way to minus five is because Crash actually got something positive out of this. WWE made the guy either at the bottom of the totem pole or close to it into a big deal, even if it was only for a brief moment. That goes to show that there was at least some logic still at play behind the company’s booking, although it was seen in only small doses.

I don’t know if there’s still someone that hasn’t seen this “match”, but if you’re reading this, don’t do it. Save your time and your soul. Do something, anything, and it’ll be better for you than watching this utter shite of a display.

Thanks for reading.