The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.17.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.17.96

WARNING: Sunny lets us know that this show may contain material too hot for some viewers. Hopefully they play that disclaimer before her sentencing.

Taped from San Jose, CA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Yokozuna v. Two Individuals

Vince doesn’t bother to identify the victims, and Yoko quickly hits one of them with a legdrop and then stacks them up like CORDWOOD and finishes with a double buttdrop at 1:40. Yokozuna as the fun-loving Samoan babyface was a sad way to end his career.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Once again they give the misleading idea that the In Your House PPVs were the “best value on PPV”. At the time, the main shows were $30 for three hours, and these were $20 but only two hours long. So it wasn’t really a “value” when it was still $10 per hour of wrestling. Also I continue to not understand how Diesel kept getting title shots despite losing repeatedly since November. And then he did a clean job to Undertaker at Wrestlemania and got ANOTHER title shot at Shawn Michaels out of that!

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Barry Horowitz

BREAKING NEWS: Hunter was recently nominated for a Slammy, for Best Threads. He should have won for Best Hair so that he could always have a memento of his flowing blond locks before he went bald. Also Yokozuna was nominated for Best Buns. And now you’re up to date. Barry trades wristlocks with Hunter, who fires back with shots in the corner and then USES THE KNEE with a high knee and a kneedrop for two. Hunter with a suplex and he beats on Barry with forearms in the corner, but Barry fights back with his own forearms and a northern lights suplex that gets two. But then he puts his head down and it’s the Pedigree to finish at 2:42.

Meanwhile, the WWF goes to India. I don’t really have anything funny to add to this.

The Godwinns v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Joe Gomez

Hillbilly Jim promises “hillbilly power to the tenth power” in an inset promo, showing that hillbillies probably can’t do math either. PIG whips the Brawler into the corners and puts him down with a clothesline, and then HOG brings in Joe Gomez, who is only identified as “Gomez” in a disgusting show of disrespect to a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and finishes him with a slop drop at 1:56. TRIVIA NOTE: This was the one and only WWF match for Joe Gomez and then he gazed down upon his empire like Alexander the Great and decided that he had accomplished all he needed and it was time to conquer WCW instead.

Bret Hart joins Vince in the ring, who talks about the upcoming cage match with Diesel, once again spreading the Big Lie that he’s never lost a cage match before, and quipping that “despite all his rage, Diesel is still just a rat in a cage.” Man, Smashing Pumpkins mixed up with pro wrestling, that’ll be the day.

Justin Hawk Bradshaw v. Tim Patterson

Hey, a jobber who finally gets a ring announcement and graphic! And yet JOE GOMEZ doesn’t even get his first name announced. What kind of a fucked up two tiered justice system are we dealing with here? Bradshaw tosses Patterson and beats on him outside, and then back in with a high knee and some Hansen horns. He drops elbows and then we get an inset promo from a much more energetic Bradshaw than the laid-back promos of the version we would know and tolerate later on. Bradshaw with a suplex and he finishes with the lariat at 3:00. That theme music is LAME and once they switched to the hard rocking theme it was 141% improvement.

Meanwhile, Mankind remembers the day that he learned pain was his friend.

The 1-2-3 Kid v. Ahmed Johnson

I don’t like the Kid’s chances here. Ahmed hurls him over the top rope off the lockup as Waltman takes a pretty incredible bump for a random episode of Superstars. We take a break and return with Ahmed continuing to ragdoll the Kid all over the ring, but Jeff Jarrett runs in and gets caught by Ahmed, which is one of those weird WWF situations where you don’t get DQ’d because your attack failed. But then Razor Ramon comes out to save Ahmed, and Kid hits Razor with Jeff’s guitar and THAT’S suddenly a DQ at 4:20. Quality refereeing there. Real Rick Knox level stuff.

NEXT WEEK: Thanks to a Billy Gunn injury, one of the worst tag team title tournaments in history begins! I know, that’s a big promise, but I assure you this one more than lives up to it.

This show continues to be such an easy and entertaining watch so far.