The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.10.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.10.96

Yeah I’m burned out on weekly TV stuff so I’m gonna skip Collision this week and go back to 1996 again.

Also the Network now has folders for 1986-1991 Superstars?!? WHAT COULD THIS MEAN? Also there’s now new folders for AWA Championship Wrestling from 85-87, plus Prime Time Wrestling from 85 and WCW Saturday Night from 95-97. I’m pretty sure this is all because of me.

Taped from San Jose, CA

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Fatu v. The Ringmaster

This is a heated rivalry because Fatu made a difference by eliminating the Ringmaster off-camera in the Royal Rumble. Well, better luck next year to the Ringmaster, I guess. Maybe the year after that as well. And then three years after that. But at least we know that Fatu doesn’t hold a grudge. Vince notes that this Ringmaster guy is certainly STONE COLD. Hey now, let’s not say anything we can’t take back. Ringmaster takes Fatu down with a headlock and shows off his scientific skills, which are no doubt the key to his continued success in the WWF, but Fatu MIXES IT UP ROUGH HOUSE STYLE and slugs Ringmaster down. So Ringmaster goes after the leg and then puts Fatu down with a clothesline before wrapping the knee around the post. He continues to work on the knee while we get an inset promo from the Ringmaster and Ted Dibiase, complete with Ringmaster wearing sunglasses straight out of the famous meme. His interview is STONE COLD, which is stressed again by Vince McMahon as we take a break. Back with Fatu making a comeback with a corner splash and a running cutter, called a “bulldog of sorts” by Vince because apparently DDP didn’t exist in this reality, but Fatu goes up and Dibiase crotches him. So Ringmaster brings him down with an impressive superplex and then locks in the “dreaded” Million Dollar Dream to put Fatu away at 6:25. This was actually a pretty good match. **1/2

Meanwhile, Camp Cornette self-destructs as Yokozuna turns on Owen & Bulldog.

SLAM JAM! WITH HANDSOME DOK HENDRIX!

Yokozuna will be meeting British Bulldog at In Your House VI now, in addition to the other glorified midcard matches that no one particularly cared about.

Tatanka v. Robert Thompson

This jobber sounds and looks like a lawyer moonlighting as an enhancement talent. Tatanka runs him into the corner and chops him down while we learn that Tatanka will be the first opponent for Jake Roberts when he returns to the WWF. End of the Trail finishes at 1:46.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Diesel and Undertaker overshadow Bret Hart’s WWF title reign yet again.

The 1-2-3 Kid v. Wayne Brady

BREAK YO’SELF WAYNE BRADY. Man I was just watching Chappelle’s Show this afternoon too. Anyway this is probably not the more famous comedian/singer/black guy because he appears to be much older than Wayne Brady would be at that point, much fatter, and more importantly, the wrong race. And then Vince changes his mind and calls him Wayne Bradley instead so now I’m even more confused. This is why we need ring announcers. Kid wins with a spinkick in 2:30 as we get our third straight Million Dollar Corporation match of the show.

Shawn Michaels joins Vince for an interview and he seems…a bit inebriated. I know, I know, that’s a shocking accusation. Anyway, he’s gonna beat Owen Hart at the PPV and then party all the way to Wrestlemania. Sounds like he was doing a little partying backstage.

Owen Hart v. Aldo Montoya

Owen slugs away in the corner, but Aldo comes back with a dropkick and works the arm. Aldo tries a headlock takedown and Owen kind of reverses him into a belly to belly, although they just kind of awkwardly fell over. So Owen whips him into the turnbuckles a couple of times and follows with a backbreaker. Owen with a chinlock as a closeup of Aldo’s mask appears to reveal that it’s made out of yellow maxi-pads, as Vince continues to spread the BIG LIE that Bret Hart has never before lost a cage match. Montoya makes the comeback with clotheslines and goes to the top with a flying bodypress for two. Owen puts him down with the Owenzuigiri to finish at 4:15, however.

Meanwhile, we cover the suspension and reinstatement of Vader, and Gorilla apologizes for losing his temper and acting un-Presidentially.

Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin’ Warroom: We’re still in the press conference from last week, now with an insipid line of questions about how he’s “wasting millions of dollars” of his shareholders’ money. Well THAT’S pretty fucking ironic considering where Vince ended up. And then we go flying off the deep end, as “Ted” rants about how he only cares about “power and money, money and power, so that he can tell his dad to kiss his ass when he dies and goes to heaven”. And then the topper, as Vince shows a graphic with a New York Times ad attacking Turner and asking the Time-Warner shareholders to reject the merger because Ted Turner hates the WWF. Which, he notes, was actually rejected by the Times and wasn’t published. But he shows it anyway. Holy crap I forgot about that.

Next week: Nothing as batshit crazy as that last segment, that’s for sure.