The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.27.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.27.96

At the Royal Rumble, STUFF HAPPENED! Shawn Michaels wins his second in a row, Goldust wins the IC title from Razor Ramon! Vader debuts and beats up Gorilla Monsoon the next night!

Taped from San Jose, CA, on January 23.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Mr. Perfect

Duke Droese v. Steve Rizzinio

Vince calls the jobber something like “Steve Risotto” which is decidedly not the same thing. Duke gets a pair of suplexes and chops him in the corner, then drops a knee on him and powerslams him. Trash Compactor slam finishes at 2:23. Afterwards, that no-good blueblood Hunter Hearst Helmsley attacks Duke with his OWN GARBAGE CAN and then hits a Pedigree on the lid for good measure. How much lower can you get than attacking a man with his own garbage can? And then he cuts off Droese’s hair as well! Man, I hope someday Hunter loses his own long beautiful blond mane of hair and goes completely bald, but that seems unlikely to ever happen. Well we can always hope.

IN YOUR HOUSE VI UPDATE! WITH DOK HENDRIX!

We’ve already learned that Bret Hart will be defending against Diesel in a cage match, with more matches to come.

Meanwhile, Goldust and his newly won IC title are pretty sure that Razor Ramon will never forget his name. And then on RAW, Razor Ramon gets counted out while chasing 1-2-3 Kid around with a baby bottle as Sid is now erased from history for a while.

Bob Holly v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw

Another notable debut of a future World champion, with Bradshaw making his first appearance. He slugs Holly down and drops elbows while cosplaying Stan Hansen but with better eyesight, and then goes to a pumphandle slam and puts the boots to him in the corner. Suplex gets two and a legsweep follows, but he doesn’t really have any followup. So Holly makes the comeback with clotheslines, but misses a charge and Bradshaw finishes with the lariat at 3:50. This was not a particularly thrilling debut for super green Bradshaw but of course John Layfield was the poster boy for guys who got a million chances no matter what and then lectured everyone else about earning their spot.

This week’s snark bomb on JBL brought to you by ICOPRO.

Meanwhile on RAW, Vader squashes Savio Vega to kick off his WWF career, but then attacks Gorilla Monsoon and gets fired 24 hours after debuting.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Tim Patterson

So this is the start of the “Hunter has a new supermodel every week” deal that eventually gave us Sable. Also they note that Hunter went more than 50 minutes in the Rumble. Insert DX punchline here. Hunter takes Patterson down with a snapmare and puts the boots to him, then beats on him with knees in the corner. Patterson makes a comeback, but misses a dropkick and allows Hunter to beat him down again and adds a snap suplex. Kneedrop and Pedigree finish look to finish, but the garbageman runs in for the DQ at 3:11. The replay shows that Hunter used the jobber as a human shield to avoid the trash can shot, which is actually pretty in character for him.

Shawn Michaels v. Tatanka

Was Tatanka seriously still around in 1996? I thought he left in 95 because of the Jimmy Del Rey nonsense. Tatanka beats on Shawn in the corner to start, but Shawn takes him down with a rana and then backdrops him over the top rope. Tatanka thinks it over while Shawn does a cross-legged taunt in the ring. Like anyone would ever get over as a top guy doing THAT. Back in, Tatanka necks Shawn on the top rope and Shawn does a ludicrous oversell, literally stumbling around the ring and throwing himself over the top rope as we take a break. Back with Tatanka hitting a backdrop for two. Shawn comes back with the flying forearm, but Tatanka ducks out again to evade the superkick. So Shawn chases after Ted Dibiase, but Tatanka hits Dibiase by mistake and the superkick finishes at 7:50. This would seem like the end of Tatanka, but NOPE, apparently he’s got way more jobs to do on TV before he’s finished. Match was OK. **

Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin Warroom: Ted challenges his lawyers to come up with an original idea, so Scheme Gene promises to reveal his answer on his hotline. Lame.

This show continues to be shockingly interesting to watch and review.