The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.20.96

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.20.96

Is it me or has the section for this show completely disappeared? It’s not on the front page and there’s no longer a sub-menu in the “In Ring” section.

Also I know I said I was gonna review Battle of the Belts VIII but I say a lot of stuff. It’s part of my uniquely lovable charm.

Still taped from Bethlehem PA from way back in December 95.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Mr. Perfect & Jim Ross

Shawn Michaels, more ponytail than man at this point, will see us at the Royal Rumble after retiring the retirement rumors.

Sid & 1-2-3 Kid v. Avatar & Aldo Montoya

I just don’t even know where to begin with this one. I’m like a kid in some kind of store. So I thought Avatar was the gimmick where he wore the mask to the ring and then unmasked in the ring, but he’s fully masked here throughout the match. Unless it was a case where they changed the gimmick in the month since this match was taped. Avatar and Aldo win a brawl to start and Avatar hits Kid with a wheelbarrow suplex. Over to the jellyfish, who works on the Kid’s arm and puts him down with a vicious double Portuguese martial arts chop. Kid fires back with a spinkick on Avatar, but Avatar rolls him up for two. Aldo slugs away, but walks into Sid’s fist in the corner and Sid comes in and puts the boots to him. Sid with the chokeslam on Aldo and then a powerbomb that is just incredible. And Kid comes in and takes the pin at 3:47. This match was OK but lacking some kind of X factor that I can’t place. Also Avatar showed promise. Maybe they should repackage him 17 or 18 times and find something for him.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH DOK!

This week we will remember the name of Goldust and something something something from Ahmed Johnson.

Meanwhile, The Man They Call Vader brings the power of the Rocky Mountains any day now.

The Ringmaster v. Scott Taylor

The mysterious Ringmaster chokes out Taylor on the ropes and hits him with a gut wrench suplex and then follows with a gutbuster. He beats on Taylor with chops in the corner and a clothesline gets two. And the Million Dollar Dream finishes at 2:35 as the empty seats in the background go wild. This guy has no heat, and this loser of a gimmick was the exact opposite of “hot”. They should change his name to whatever might best encapsulate that concept.

Meanwhile, we take a look at Shawn Michaels and the rough few weeks he’s had after getting beat up by a group of cheerleaders in Syracuse. The doctor notes that technically he suffered brain damage. Yeah and then he spent the next two years unable to do anything but crotch chops while telling people to suck it.

Hakushi v. Matt Hardy

We get an inset promo from Barry Horowitz while Hakushi beats on young Matt and then slams him and finishes with a pump splash at 1:18. Well that was abrupt. I guess this was Matt Version 0.05 Alpha or something.

Meanwhile, Undertaker and Paul Bearer hang out in a park and threaten Bret Hart in advance of the Rumble. Big talk from a guy cosplaying the Phantom of the Opera.

The Bodydonnas v. Chaz Warrington & Glen Ruth

Fresh off playing the Spiders in other squashes, the jobbers here are of course the unlikely future WWF tag team champion Headbangers. Chaz tries a headlock on Zip and gets slugged down as a result. Over to Skip and he works the arm, but Ruth comes in and quickly double-teams Whip. They criss-cross and Blip hits him with a powerbomb off that, and it’s back to Dip for another powerbomb. They double-team Ruth in the corner and Clip hits a snap suplex and legdrop as the announcers have trouble telling the Bodydonnas apart. Because they look so much alike. Flip with a top rope rana and Trip finishes with a whoopie cushion at 3:20.

Last week on RAW, Razor attacks Goldust and they brawl into the parking lot until Goldust runs away and escapes in his car.

Yokozuna v. Phil Apollo

Yoko beats Phil down in the corner and drops the leg on him while we get an inset promo from Owen Hart demanding to know which side Jim Cornette is taking in the Rumble. Well luckily it didn’t come to that. Banzai Drop finishes at 1:34.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH DOK!

This time we hear from that rich snob, Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Ooooo I hate that guy! I hope he loses all that beautiful hair and ends up working in a high stress job. That’ll show him.

Diesel v. Isaac Yankem DDS

I’m seeing double here! Four Diesels! Big Daddy Cool with the corner clothesline and Emerald City Slam on Big Daddy Dentist, but he charges and Yankem hits him with an elbow and slugs away to take over. Clothesline puts Diesel on the floor and they brawl out there for a bit, but Lawler interferes and allows Yankem to keep control in the ring and put the boots to Big Kev. Lawler gets another cheapshot from the floor and Yankem gets two from that and runs Diesel into the turnbuckles, then goes up and misses a flying legdrop by 4 feet. Like even if Diesel hadn’t moved he still would have been a foot away. So Kev comes back with Snake Eyes, but Yankem somehow ducks the big boot and puts him down for a legdrop that gets two. Oh my god, he countered one of Diesel’s 4 moves! Amazingly, Diesel pulls out a backbreaker now that his repertoire has been exhausted otherwise, and the Poochiebomb finishes at 5:35. Wow he almost got him up in the air on that one, impressive.

Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin Warroom proves to be quite prescient, as Billionaire Ted brags about how he bought his own network and movie library, and then asks his board to “go out and buy him some of those WWF New Generation superstars”. HA HA AS IF THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN LOL.

This weekend: The Royal Rumble 1996! I’ve already done that one a few times so no redo for that one is needed.

I’m still kind of digging this run to be honest. So much to talk about!