The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 09.26.02
By Scott Keith on 26th September 2023
The SmarK Rant for WWE Smackdown – 09.26.02
Last week: Unforgiven 2002 happened. I reviewed it and a lot of people read it. You must like me or something.
Taped from San Diego, CA. I believe the Spanish named it for “a whale’s vagina”.
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz. It’s driving me crazy to alternate between “Tazz” on WWE shows and “Taz” on AEW shows. PICK A NUMBER OF Z’s, MAN!
Rikishi v. Chavo Guerrero
Although they showed “highights” of the bait and switch angle with Rikishi at the beginning of the show, they’re immediately ignoring it and shifting back to Rikishi’s beef with the Guerreros instead. Chavo tries to attack and gets tossed to the floor as Cole promises us RAMIFICATIONS tonight after Brock and Undertaker had their match. Rikishi with a clothesline and the Cheeks of Fire in the corner, but Chavo gets his knees up and bulldogs him to counter. Rikishi misses a blind charge as Chavo takes over and dropkicks him into the corner. Chavo decides to do his own Stinkface, which is pretty fair to be honest, but Rikishi throws him off and hits him with a belly to belly. And then Rikishi gets the Stinkface attempt, but Chavo escapes that, so Rikishi hits him with a spinebuster and goes up for the butt splash. Chavo counters THAT as well and gets the knees up for two. Next up, Chavo grabs the camera, but Rikishi superkicks it back in his face and squishes him for the pin at 4:32. Man, Rikishi was actually in the mood to sell something this week and Chavo carried him to a pretty decent opener as a result. **1/2.
Bikini Contest: Torrie Wilson v. Nidia
Hosted by Tazz and judged by Billy & Chuck, who continue their meteoric descent into undercard geekery. THEY LOVE TO HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER, BUT IN A TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL WAY, MAGGLE! Nidia is wearing sneakers with her swimwear and blows herself up doing a seductive dance for the audience. This performance earns her a 6 from Chuck and a 9 from Billy. Nice. Tazz of course completely no-sells the joke and totals the 15 points. Torrie does her usual routine and earns a pair of 10s from the COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL duo of Billy & Chuck. And they party with Torrie to prove how straight they are, but Jamie Noble and Tie-jiri interrupt to protest this miscarriage of bikini contest justice. So they want a match to settle things, and being that they’re so clearly heterosexual, Billy and Chuck have no problem accepting in their heterosexual street clothes. More like STRAIGHT clothes because they love having sex with women so much, AM I RIGHT FELLAS?
Jamie Noble & Tajiri v. Billy & Chuck
Tajiri quickly hits Billy with a superkick and the heels work him over in the corner while Torrie hangs out at ringside for some reason, but Billy boots Noble over the top rope. So Noble wraps Billy’s leg around the post, which is difficult because all parts of Billy Gunn are incredibly straight, and he goes to work with a leglock. Billy fights back but Noble takes out the knee again while the announcers work in the storyline point that all contracts are now official and binding, so no more talent raids now that sweeps are over. But Randy Orton and Hurricane moved to RAW before the deadline, so no more of them on this show. Hopefully that Orton kid will be OK over there. Billy fights back with a faceplant on Noble and makes the hot tag to Chuck, although we should call it the het tag because they’re so hetero and manly. Chuck runs wild with an overhead suplex on Noble and they hit Tajiri with a Doomsday Device for the pin at 6:26. Just a match. *1/2. This of course leads to a bikini brawl between Nidia and Torrie, what with all the unresolved issues stemming from the bikini contest, and Torrie spanks her to get some revenge for whatever it was that she’s angry about.
Meanwhile, Funaki tries to interview Brock Lesnar with a HARD HITTING QUESTION. Is it true that Brock will not be giving Undertaker a rematch? Brock respects this gutsy journalism, but he’s going to answer the question TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING.
Meanwhile, Stephanie is double-checking the remaining contracts, but Kurt Angle interrupts to kiss up to her. Oh also, he would like a rematch with Chris Benoit later tonight because Benoit is a cheater and cheaters never win. But instead, Rey Mysterio gets inserted into a three way by Stephanie because reasons. Apparently he lives in San Diego or something? Feel like they should have mentioned that at some point.
Funaki (Smackdown’s #1 announcer) joins us to continue his HARD HITTING QUESTIONS for Brock Lesnar here in the ring. Unfortunately, the questions prove to be too hard-hitting, and poor Funaki gets mangled by a chairshot and put down with an F5. Man you almost never see that happen to the Fox News guys when they ask a stupid question.
Meanwhile, Dawn Marie is like super-proud of Torrie winning that bikini contest, but now she has to face Dawn in a bikini contest at some point in the future. And people complain about AEW not booking the women properly?
No Disqualification: Eddie Guerrero v. Edge
Eddie attacks to start and stomps Edge down, as the announcers stress that Edge only had a SLIGHT concussion last week. Edge goes after the arm while Cole stresses that contracts are binding and there will be no further defections or roster moves. I wish I could believe that, I really do. Edge drops an elbow for two and goes back to the arm, but Eddie breaks free with an enzuigiri and beats him down to take over. Eddie with a suplex for two. He goes to the chinlock while Tazz helpfully translates Eddie’s Spanish battle cry (“I’ve got him in a rear chinlock!”) and Edge fights out of that. Edge with the powerslam and he goes to the top, but Eddie brings him down with a superplex for two. Eddie tries a rana and Edge reverses him to an electric chair and clotheslines him to the floor. Edge grabs a ladder, apparently being the master of the ladder, but Eddie counters with a chair and beats on Edge with that. Back in the ring, Eddie tries a frog splash and misses after the ref is bumped due to an errant ladder, and we take a break. I thought Edge was the MASTER of ladders? And yet he’s hitting referees with them by mistake? Wrestling lies to me again. Anyway, back to the ad break topic, as you almost never see them splitting up matches with an ad break during this era, actually. Back with Eddie trying a sleeper with a second ref having replaced the first one, although who can really tell referees apart anyway? $4 gets you a pack of 20 of them at the dollar store. Eddie with a top rope rana for two, and he tries the ropewalk wristlock but Edge counters him with a powerbomb and they’re both out. Edge, MASTER OF THE LADDER, grabs it for another run at Eddie, but he gets it dropkicked it back in his face while Tazz puts over the ladder match on RAW between Eddie and RVD. They knew I was in the arena for that one, I bet, and decided to work extra hard. First title change I ever saw live, by the way. Anyway, Eddie sandwiches Edge between a pair of ladders and then hits him with the slingshot senton, making a pretty solid case for himself as the true Master of Ladders, but that only gets two. So Eddie sets up the ladder in the corner and Edge follows him up for the slugfest, but Eddie rams his head into the top of the ladder and hits the LADDER MURDERDEATHKILL POWERBOMB for two. Man he smoked him with that one, too. Eddie tries for a spear in the corner, but Edge backdrops him into the ladder as Eddie takes an insane bump and lands on his head. And they fight to the top of another ladder, but this time Edge brings him down with the Implant DDT, from the top of the ladder, and that gets the pin 19:47. Holy shit before the break I was thinking that they were gonna have a tough time topping the PPV and then they SHUT MY BIG MOUTH and then some. This was bonkers. A real corker of a match, as the kids say. ****3/4. And then they even play Eddie’s music and let him get some love from the crowd as well.
Meanwhile, Pete Rose gets harassed by idiot kids on Halloween until Kane gets revenge, which apparently has something to do with the upcoming No Mercy PPV.
Meanwhile, Chris Benoit isn’t worried about the main event tonight because he was born to hurt people. “He ain’t lying” notes Tazz in the shoot comment to end all shoot comments.
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy goes over the footage of his match with Undertaker, showing Shannon Moore all the ways he was able to cleanly defeat the Undertaker due to his Mattitude. And he’ll do it again tonight.
Undertaker v. Matt Hardy
Matt offers a handshake of respect, so Taker grabs it and beats on him in the corner. So Matt clips the knee and puts the boots to him before hitting a legdrop, and he’s so fired up that he doesn’t even yodel first. But then Taker chokeslams him and puts him away with the Last Ride at 1:38. And then Brock hits the ring out of nowhere and nails Taker with the belt, busting him open. And then we head to the back after the break, where the cut is so bad that the screen goes BLACK AND WHITE, as Taker resists medical attention and wants to be healed by the power of hatred for Brock Lesnar instead.
Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit v. Rey Mysterio
Rey flies all over to start and takes both guys down, but Angle tosses him to let the grownups go to work. So Angle and Benoit trade mat wrestling and they keep getting annoyed with Rey, but Angle takes Benoit down and uses the ropes for two. Rey comes back in and rolls up Benoit for two, but Chris just wallops him with a backdrop suplex and clotheslines him for two. Snap suplex gets two. Benoit tosses him back to the floor again and Angle stomps Benoit down in the corner off of that, and hits him with a lariat for two. Benoit fires back with chops, but Angle tosses him with a suplex for two. Benoit puts him down again with a back elbow and follows with the rolling germans, but Angle counters with the Angle Slam. Rey pops back in from the kids’ table with a springboard dropkick on Benoit for two, but they get rid of him again and Benoit lays out Angle with another suplex. Rey gets involved again, so Angle tosses him onto Benoit and runs him into the railing. Back in the ring, Angle with the anklelock, but Rey hits them both a 619 and rolls up Angle for two. Benoit crossfaces Angle after getting rid of Rey again, but Rey breaks it up with a springboard dropkick on Benoit for two. Angle gets run into Benoit and sent to the floor, so Rey hits the West Coast Pop on Benoit and pins him at 8:51. The match was awesome BUT I was kind of annoyed in kayfabe that Stephanie stuck Rey in there just because they were in San Diego. As a fan, I wanted to see Benoit and Angle continue their feud, and really there was no particular reason for Rey to even be involved here and he kept breaking up all the cool sequences that the other two were doing. Honestly it put a bit of a damper on it for me. Still though, holy cow what a match. ****
This one is the Edge & Eddie show, somehow managing to steal the show from a main event of Benoit v. Angle v. Mysterio. An awesome episode. A real humdinger of a hootenanny, as the kids on the TikToks say.