The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 06.17.87
Fair warning, I’m on vacation for one more week.
Going back again to fill in the gaps from the WWE 24/7 era because I haven’t reviewed an episode since that period in time we shall not speak of. For some reason this episode is June 17, even though it should really be June 15. Maybe USA pre-empted it to a Wednesday that week for some reason, I dunno.
Your hosts are Bobby Heenan & Gorilla Monsoon, who immediately confirm that it’s a special Wednesday edition of the show. I know you were all losing sleep over that one like me.
Cpl Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff
From a Philly Spectrum show instead of the usual MSG content, complete with nightmare duo of Dick Graham and Lord Alfred Hayes on commentary. Was this feud seriously still going halfway into 1987 I wonder? I feel like they must have just pulled this from an old show in 1986. And yeah, it looks like this is March 1986, shortly before Wrestlemania 2. The Corporal attacks before any anthems can be sung, but Volkoff lays him out with the flagpole and frankly it’s kind of deserved. Volkoff runs him into a boot in the corner and hangs him in the Tree of Woe. They fight on the floor and Volkoff slams him out there and heads back into the ring. This allows Kirschner to trip him up and post him and then we take a break as Gorilla promises a very exciting conclusion and notes that the Corporal isn’t having much luck figuring out Volkoff thus far. That’s because he sucks. Back with Kirschner wasting a bunch of time playing to the fans and he goes up with a forearm from the middle rope, which gets two. Volkoff cuts him off and drops him on the top rope to take over again before going to the bearhug. Question: Are we sure that Kirschner didn’t fake his own death and start doing YouTube videos as Pat the NES Punk? He fights back on Volkoff, barely able to remember if he’s supposed to be chopping or punching, and then dropkicks Volkoff to the floor. Back in with an elbowdrop for two. Small package gets two. Backslide gets two, but Volkoff hits him with the backbreaker and pins him at 11:17. Kirschner just wasn’t suited for the level of push they wanted out of him. *1/2
Back at the studio, Gorilla wants to know about Bobby’s new team, the Islanders, but Bobby doesn’t feel like sharing yet.
UPDATE! WITH CRAIG DEGEORGE!
It would seem that last week, the Islanders were facing the Can-Am Connection in a “scientific” match, but it quickly turned nasty when Bobby Heenan joined them at ringside and the Islanders used nefarious tactics to win by countout.
Back at the studio, Bobby admits that yes, he has signed the Islanders and was just messing with Gorilla by not admitting it until after the last segment.
Meanwhile, Superstar Billy Graham continues his attempts to return to the WWF. So Craig DeGeorge takes a walk with Graham out in the Arizona desert, complete with walker. The physicians say that a return to the ring is impossible, but he’s going to prove them wrong! Yeah until they were proven right once and for all, and he had to retire for good a few months after this.
Back at the studio, Gorilla offers fans a chance to get a FREE 1987 WWF Superstars calendar, for 100 randomly selected people who write in. Who the hell would want a 1987 calendar six months into the year? Bobby notes that Patera could use one to make his home look like his jail cell and count off the days on it.
The New Dream Team v. Paul Roma & Jim Powers
This is a rare TV match from Wrestling Challenge instead of Superstars. Dino Bravo hits Roma with a hiptoss, but Roma comes back with dropkicks to put him on the floor. Meanwhile we get an inset promo from the Rougeaus, who vow to be there to stalk the Dream Team wherever they are. Maybe even in their SOUP! I’d be impressed with that, actually. “Waiter, there’s a couple of French brothers in my soup.” I think we’ve all been there. Hammer drops a forearm on Roma and beats him down with chops, and Bravo comes in and drops an elbow for two. Valentine misses a legdrop, and that allows Roma to make a hot tag to Powers, but he quickly gets cut off like a geek. He does manage to make a bit of a comeback and drops an elbow on Hammer for two, but Bravo nails him from the apron and Valentine drops the Hammer to finish at 4:27. This was an immediate downgrade from the Beefcake team. *.
Back at the studio, Gorilla accuses Bobby of faking the neck injury, but Bobby is just gutting it out and working through the pain.
Meanwhile, Ken Patera talks with Mean Gene after getting out of jail for “getting into a little scrape with law enforcement”. Well that’s one way of looking at it.
Pedro Morales v. Steve Lombardi
Back to Philly again for this one, although now we’re in May of 1987 this time. Lombardi stalls for a bit and Pedro slams him and chases him out of the ring. Back in, Lombardi works a headlock, but Pedro slams out of that and Lombardi stalls for time again, claiming a bad back. So Pedro hits him with an atomic drop and Lombardi leaves again. Back in the ring, Steve runs him into the turnbuckles and chokes him out on the ropes to take over, and a clothesline gets two. Pedro makes his comeback with a backdrop and backbreaker for the pin at 5:42. What an incredibly random match to show.
Back at the studio, Gorilla wonders if he would walk away from his current family members like he did to Ken Patera.
Brutus Beefcake v. Tim Patterson
Gorilla wonders if Patterson “is one of the goofs that came out of the Terry Garvin School of Self Defense” while introducing the match. This is from WWF Superstars, as Beefcake begins his transition to professional barber as a full time gimmick. He slugs Patterson down and hiptosses him into the corner, still learning how to be a babyface. Apparently next week on Superstars, Ricky Steamboat defends the Intercontinental title against the Honky Tonk Man, and Vince doesn’t think that Honky particularly deserves a shot at the title. Patterson gets a bit of a comeback, but he walks into the sleeper and Brutus puts him out at 2:25. Switching to the sleeper as a finisher was actually a brilliant part of the character remake for Beefcake and a big reason why it worked so well. Poor Patterson just gets butchered by Beefcake here.
Back at the studio, Gorilla wonders what exactly is wrong with Bobby’s neck and what he’s going to do to rehab it. “Whatever my doctor tells me” notes Bobby. “Oh, is he a veterinarian then?”
Meanwhile, Mean Gene chats with Slick. “You don’t really like me, do you, cuz?” “What did you call me?” “I called you CUZ. If you don’t like that I’ll call you HOMES instead.” Also Butch Reed is sick of the jive turkeys running around calling themselves rasslers, jumping on managers. Apparently Tito Santana and Ken Patera are prime examples of jive turkeys, and soon he will be teaming up with Nikolai Volkoff to deal with them.
Don Muraco & Bob Orton v. Cpl Kirschner & Sivi Afi
Wish Sgt Slaughter and Wish Jimmy Snuka finally team up! Another Wrestling Challenge match, although it seems like a dark match. Man, if I was Muraco and Orton and saw that my manager was painting his face like Demolition, I would have started looking for different representation. Orton tries to ram Afi into the top turnbuckle and that doesn’t work very well. But then Orton sends him to the floor and Muraco gets a cheapshot on the Corporal with the cane to take over. Orton hits Kirschner with a top rope forearm to the floor, but Afi gets a hot tag. Bobby: “I have a friend whose wife made him a millionaire the other day.” Gorilla: “You don’t say?” Bobby: “Yeah he used to have three million.” Afi with a crossbody on Muraco for two as we get all kinds of wacky camera angles that they didn’t usually do at the time, including a high angle shot while moving around the ring. Corporal comes in again and makes another comeback and he’s just flailing all over the place and finally Orton cuts him off and they hit a version of a Doomsday Device for two. Avi comes back again, but Muraco lays him out and then finishes with the tombstone at 7:20. This was nearing the end for the Muraco-Orton team, sadly. **
Donna Christianello & Judy Martin v. “The Crush Girls” (Lioness Asuka & Chigusa Nagayo)
Speaking of random matches, this is from Boston in March 1986, as the Crush Gals did 3 matches in the WWF and then never returned. Trivia note, the current Asuka chose her ring name to honor Lioness Asuka. The heel ladies double-team Asuka, but she comes back with a sunset flip for two on Martin. Over to Nagayo, but Christianello takes her down and works a leglock while Gorilla talks about how Danny Davis is “one of the premiere referees in the WWF”, which must have seemed like a weird comment to those watching in June of 1987. The Crush Gals manage to double-team Martin, so she bails and regroups on the floor. Back in, the heels double-team Asuka and choke her out. We take a break and Gorilla indeed clarifies that this match took place “several years ago” and at the time, Danny Davis was a great referee, but times have changed. I’m glad someone actually caught that! Back with the Crush Gals trying a comeback, but Judy cuts off Nagayo with a big boot for a nice bump from Nagayo. Martin drops her on the knee of Christianello in the corner and they continue the punishment and cut off the ring. Finally Nagayo fights back and makes the hot tag to Asuka, who slams Martin for two. Nagayo comes in with a middle rope elbow and puts Martin into a Sharpshooter, but Judy makes the ropes. Asuka with a flying clothesline, but Martin ducks it and she lands on her face. But then the Crush Gals come back and double-team Martin again with a series of elbows. Martin fights them off and brings in Donna, but the Crush Gals hit a double dropkick and Asuka finishes Donna with a Giant Swing at 14:43. Big pop for the finishing sequence as the Crush Gals suddenly started doing spots at a hundred miles an hour and it got over huge. ***.
Back at the studio, Bobby is on the phone with the Crush Gals, checking to see when his laundry will be ready. Oh Bobby.
Kamala v. George Steele
Back to Philly in May 1987 one last time, as they literally stall for the first four minutes with no contact made. Finally Steele tears up the turnbuckle and Fuji hits him with the cane, allowing Kamala to attack and choke him out on the ropes. But then Steele pulls out a foreign object and hits Kamala with it. Kamala shakes it off and splashes him, but goes up and misses a second splash, allowing George to grab the cane and chase off Kim Chee for the countout loss at 6:00. An epic main event to the show. -**.
Well this was certainly quite the episode. Next week should be an IC title match we’ve all heard about, and hopefully I’ll get the last few 1987 episodes filled in by the next pandemic.