The SmarK Rant for AEW Collision – 09.02.23
Tony Khan immediately announces that CM Punk has been FIRED after some stuff that went down in England, and he calls him Phil Brooks so you know it’s a shoot. He apologizes to anyone who is bothered by that. But the show must go on!
Live from Chicago, IL
Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Nigel McGuinness
Ricky Starks joins us to start, after challenging 70 year old Ricky Steamboat to a strap match. Tony: “Are you out of your friggin’ mind?” But Starks is sick of having his momentum cut out from under him every time and having to start over, but he’s a man and he’ll come out and do what he needs to do. Which is apparently facing Ricky Steamboat in a strap match. So this brings out Steamboat, and he’s got a contract to make it nice and legal. So Starks signs to face “The Dragon” on the contract, and then Steamboat reveals that the Dragon is actually Bryan Danielson. The crowd doesn’t like Starks’ chances in that one.
Meanwhile, Jon Moxley talks about his history with Orange Cassidy, and how he can usually smell BS, but Orange is the real thing. He’s not going to target the shoulder, he’s going to work the SOUL. That’s some next level ring psychology.
AEW Trios titles: The Acclaimed & Daddy Ass v. Daniel Garcia & 2.0
Remember when they spent weeks with 2.0 trying to recuit the Acclaimed into the JAS and then it just kind of went nowhere? Bowens slugs Parker down to start, but Garcia comes in and trades chops with Billy before showing off his dancing. The champs double-team Garcia, but the heels take the ref and then hit Garcia piledrives Bowens into the Sharpshooter while 2.0 keeps the other faces out. Gunn makes the save, so it’s over to Daddy Magic, who beats Bowens down in the corner while “working on the scissoring hand”, and Parker adds a snap suplex for two before going to a chinlock. Bowens fights them off and hits Garcia with an enzuigiri, and it’s hot tag Caster as he hits Daddy Magic with a plancha and back in with a flying bodypress on Garcia for two. So Daddy Magic decides to take care of things himself, which leads to a showdown with Daddy Ass in the battle of the daddies. Fameasser sets up the mic drop to finish at 8:30 to retain. A decent opener. **1/2
Meanwhile, Dark Order talks about their impending tag team title challenge on All Out, as Silver brings back the “Budge” thing. Again, why not a rematch with Aussie Open? Or a match with the Kingdom? Either one would have made way more sense.
Aussie Open v. Nick Wayne & Komander
Nick takes Fletcher down with a headscissors and it’s over to Komander, but Fletcher cuts him off with a slam and it’s over to Davis. Komander spins him into an Octopus, but he tries a springboard and lands in a powerbomb from Fletcher. Double-team neckbreaker gets two. Davis slams Komander into the corner and then tosses him across the ring with a biel before doing the delayed suplex with Fletcher, so delayed they should call it Punk’s comeuppance. That gets two. Davis chops Komander down for two and goes to a chinlock, but Komander escapes and it’s hot tag Nick Wayne. Shiranui on Fletcher and he hits Davis with a dive before coming back in with a frog splash on Kyle for two. Aussie Open regroups and double-teams him, but they miss the double clothesline and Wayne tries Wayne’s World, but he lands in their arms and they finish him with the Yahoo Serious at 8:46. This never really took off and was mostly a squash. **. Afterwards, Tony chats with Nick Wayne, and Nick wants to know why Darby Allin was so quick to forgive AR Fox, which brings out Darby. He got into a big fight with Buddy Wayne and wasn’t speaking to him when he died, so now he feels like he needs to forgive Fox as well and let things go. So he asks Nick to be in his corner on Sunday, but Christian Cage interrupts. He wants to get with Nick’s mom, since his dad is dead and all. Then he notes that Darby should quit “trying to be something he’s not”. While he’s carrying the TNT title around with him. He’s so great.
Meanwhile, Claudio beats on Wheeler Yuta to show that it’s easy to beat on Wheeler, but he keeps getting back up. The BCC beats on Wheeler all the time!
Meanwhile, Saraya and Ruby are not worried about the future of the Outcasts. And Toni will be fine tonight, even though she was throwing shoes at birds in the parking lot earlier tonight.
Dennis Rodman, famous former football player for the White Sox, joins Tony and he’s looking like a 7 foot tall Flavor Flav at this point in his life. But before he can talk, Jeff Jarrett and his crew interrupt. Jeff reminisces about the New World Order and offers Rodman a spot in his stable. Rodman does what sounds like a chemically imbalanced promo in response and then throws down Sonjay Dutt. So then the Acclaimed come out to hopefully save this trainwreck and they want a fight right now, but Daddy Ass doesn’t think he can work twice in one night. So instead it’s a title match for All Out. I don’t want to cast aspersions on anyone’s issues but Rodman could barely even stand up here and probably shouldn’t have been on TV in that condition.
The Outcasts v. Dr. Britt Baker DMD, Hikaru Shida & Kris Statlander
Storm immediately wants into the ring and gets into a shoving match with Statlander, which she loses. Kris gets a slam, but Toni takes her down and puts the boots to her in the corner, but she refuses to tag and that allows Britt to come in with the sling blade. So then it’s over to Ruby, as Shida and Britt have a bit of miscommunication, and the Outcasts work Shida over in their corner. Storm with the hip attack for two. Saraya tosses Shida and runs her into the table, and back in for a straitjacket hold from Ruby. Shida reverses to a rollup for two, so Ruby goes to a chinlock. Shida fights out and hits Storm with an enzuigiri, and it’s hot tag Statlander, and she hits Saraya with a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Saraya rolls her up for two, and they trade big moves until Statlander powerslams Saraya for two. Storm makes the save, but hits Saraya by mistake. But then Saraya sprays Britt with the paint gimmick and Ruby gets the pin at 8:17. Man they beat Baker way too much. Match was nothing special. **1/4.
Meanwhile, Adam Cole (Bay Bay) reads mean tweets from MJF, directed at Dark Order.
Meanwhile, Kris Statlander gets into a yelling match with the Outcasts.
Powerhouse Hobbs v. GPA
Spinebuster and goodnight at 0:07. This brings out Miro and it’s BIG MEATY MEN SLAPPING MEAT as they brawl to set up their PPV match.
Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy does the go home promo for his title match with Moxley.
Jay White v. Dax Harwood
I don’t feel like this is a main event that warrants 30 minutes or whatever we’ve got left. Dax chases White to the floor a few times to start, but White hits him with a cheapshot to the gut back in the ring and they trade chops in the corner. Dax with a back suplex for two and he gets an abdominal stretch while grabbing the ropes, but White rakes the face on the ropes and suplexes him into the corner. Dax bails to regroup and the Bang Bang Gang threatens a gang banging, but Cash fights them off with a chair. Back in the ring, they trade more chops and Dax misses a blind charge, hitting the post to allow White to DDT him for two. They fight outside again, and Dax brings him back in with a superplex. He goes up again and misses a diving headbutt, and White gets two. He goes to a half crab, but Dax makes the ropes, so they head to the floor again and fight out there. Back in for another chop exchange and they fight for a suplex, but White necks him on the top rope. Dax keeps coming with a german suplex into a brainbuster for two. White bails again and they fight in the front row before heading back to the ring, with Dax chopping him back into the ring. White with a death valley driver for two. Dax takes him to the top rope for a superplex, but White falls on top for two. Uranage gets two. Sleeper suplex sets up the Blade Runner, but Dax grabs the ropes to block and hits the slingshot powerbomb for two. Dax with the Sharpshooter, but White makes the ropes and the Club pulls him out to save him, allowing White to hit a Blade Runner on the floor. Back in, Dax gets a small package for two, but another Blade Runner finishes at 20:10. Didn’t need to go that long at all, but it was a really good match to end a pretty flat show. ***1/2. Afterwards the Pew Pew Crew goes for the beatdown, but the Bucks make their Collision debut now that big bad CM Punk is gone, and make the save.
With Punk gone I don’t really even know what the point of having this show is any longer, and it’s kind of starting to feel like it might have been a bad idea from a creative standpoint to even try it in the first place. Hopefully they can establish an identity for it in the post-Phil era, but we need more stars soon because THIS ain’t the show that’s going to survive college football on Saturdays.