The SmarK Rant for WWF All Star Wrestling – 01.02.82
The Network collection for this show is up to 1982 now, so we’ll skip ahead there and see if it’s a little more bearable than the 1980 stuff was. Also interesting to contrast with how far ahead in production and booking that Mid-South and even Mid-Atlantic to a certain degree was at the same time.
Taped from Hamburg, PA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Pat Patterson
DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION IS RECOMMENDED FOR THE FOLLOWING WRESTLING EXHIBITION
Jesse “The Body” Ventura v. Lee Wong
Jesse works a wristlock while Pat claims that Jesse was the MC when the Rolling Stones visited San Diego the last time. “I’m sure some people are impressed” quips Vince in response. Man they were taking shots at each other even back then. Jesse works the arm of Wong, who is just about the pastiest pudgy Asian that you could dredge up in 1982. Jesse chokes him out on the ropes and runs him into the corner and this guy is an AWFUL jobber. Jesse puts the boots to him and finishes with the body vice (aka Canadian backbreaker) at 4:45. “Lee Wong being carried around” notes Vince. Ain’t no one carrying that sack of flour to anything.
Steve Travis v. Jeff Craney
Oh my god would it kill them to put graphics on the screen with names? I mean Mid-South spelled everyone’s name wrong but at least they were doing it at the time. Travis, the 1982 version of Ron Swanson, takes Craney down with a cradle for two, but he’s in the ropes. Travis works the arm, but Craney goes to the moustache. Hey man, lay off that ‘stache. Craney fights up and Travis slams him and chases him to the floor. Back in, Travis takes him down with a nice headscissors and ties up the arm, but Craney makes the ropes. Travis switches to a leglock and gets two off that, so Craney bails again. Back in, Travis backdrops him for what looks like two, but the ref calls it three at 4:41, probably because he was sick of the match too.
Adrian Adonis v. Barry Hart
Barry is better known as Barry Horowitz so at least we’ve got some quality enhancement talent. Vince notes that this was supposed to be a handicap match but “the other guy must have chickened out”. I bet CM Punk sent him home. Adonis gets some slams to start as Vince notes Adrian has a “peculiar shaped body”. Yeah just wait. Adonis beats on Barry with chops and puts him down with a high knee, and then picks him for a standing powerslam that gets two. Gut wrench suplex sets up a deathlock, but he releases it and goes to work on the knee further. Barry fights up, so Adrian puts him away with Goodnight Irene at 4:30. And of course the heel MUST revive the jobber so as not to cause permanent brain damage, so he slaps him on the back of the neck to wake him up and save his life.
Freddie Blassie chats with Pat about his man Adrian Adonis and all the big money offers he’s been getting 24 hours a day. So he’s going on a two week cruise because he’s got all the money in the world. And also Adonis can’t be accused of cheating because he went out and won the match with scientific holds. Pat: “What with the leather gloves and vest out there?” Adonis: “Where I come from everyone wears them.” I’ll take his word for it. Adrian notes that when he comes around, everyone retires, like Bruno. But now Bob Backlund is the champion and Adonis is coming for his title. And Bob comes from “milk and cookie land” in Minnesota where they don’t even have electricity or running water. Huge if true.
Intercontinental title: Pedro Morales v. Greg Valentine
I’m assuming this is from Championship Wrestling because we’ve switched ring announcers and arenas. Greg beats on him right away and grabs a headlock, but Pedro slams out of it and Valentine backs off for advice from the Grand Wizard. Back in the ring, Pedro throws the punches and whips Valentine into the corner as the crowd goes crazy, and Valentine does the Flair Flop off that. Pedro with a backbreaker for two. The Wizard gets involved and Pedro goes after him, which allows Valentine to toss Pedro out and take over with a suplex on the floor. Pedro sells it like death, so Valentine puts him in the figure-four out there and the dressing room clears out to save Pedro as it’s called a double countout at 4:25. And the babyfaces carry Pedro to the back, while he’s apparently having a seizure. Well it was 1982 and obviously first aid hadn’t been invented yet, what are ya gonna do?
Tony Garea & Rick Martel v. Ron Shaw & Jose Estrada
Shaw, who gained some notoriety by being the guy who submitted David Sammartino with a bearhug some years later, works on Martel for a bit, but the babyfaces double-team him and Martel works the leg. That goes on for a while, but Estrada comes in and tosses Martel over the top rope, and Rick skins the cat and pulls Jose out to the floor. Meanwhile, Vince clarifies that Dr. George Zahorian is working on Pedro in the back, Man they’re just serving up the softballs for me here. Shaw chokes Martel out on the ropes and takes him down with a headlock, and Estrada puts him down with a kneelift and drops a fist for two. Garea manages to get the tag and comes in with a dropkick on Shaw, and Martel goes up with a flying bodypress to finish at 6:05. Surprisingly competitive squash here.
Tony Atlas v. Tony Colon
Colon beats on him with the clubbing forearms and rakes the eyes, then slugs away in the corner with awful looking fake punches. STOMP THE FOOT. STOMP THE FOOT. Atlas runs him into the turnbuckle to come back and whips him into the corner while Vince notes that watching Tony Atlas press slam some 280 pound guy is “like some kind of fairy tale”. I don’t know what weird-ass fairy tales he was reading his kids. And indeed once upon a time Atlas hits Colon with a press slam and pins him at 3:24, and they lived happily ever after.
Breaking News: George Zahorian has accompanied Pedro to the hospital for “further observation”, and I’m sure he’ll write him a nice prescription for something and make him feel much better. And indeed the closing credits of the show are for Championship Wrestling as they weirdly just used 3/4 of the show here in place of All Star Wrestling.
I dunno, I’d call it slightly more watchable than the dire 1980 ones, I guess.
(Note from Scott after posting this: GODDAMMIT I already reviewed this show in 2018. We’ll have to jump ahead a few more weeks if I go back to it.)