The SmarK Rant for WWF UK Rampage 93 – 04.11.93

The SmarK Rant for UK Rampage 93 – 04.11.93

This is the last of the “UK Rampage” Sky shows from the 90s. I had already done a Coliseum rant in 2000ish so we might as well do a proper redo to finish off the series.

Taped from Sheffield, UK

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Bobby Heenan

Headshrinker Fatu v. Brian Knobbs

Wow what an opener. We get an endless stall to start, longer than the reign of Queen Elizabeth II, it feels like. Finally Knobbs attacks with a backdrop and chases Fatu out of the ring for more stalling. Back in, we really pick up the pace again with a HEADLOCK while Jim Ross barrels through Bobby Heenan’s shenanigans and barely acknowledges his “A” material. Knobs goes after Afa for some reason and walks into a superkick from Fatu while Bobby wonders how they make Yorkshire Pudding out of those little terrier dogs. Valid question. Fatu tries a piledriver and Knobbs reverses out of that, but Fatu tosses him and Afa gets a shot in. Fatu with a slam on the floor and back in for a chinlock while Afa mugs for the camera, clearly as bored as everyone else is. Knobbs fights out of that and slugs back, as Fatu takes a trademark 360 bump off a clothesline. Knobbs misses a charge, however, and Fatu pins him with his feet on the ropes at 9:50. Knobbs barely even had enough offense for a house show comeback. No shock that the Nasties were gone soon after, putting a bunch of people over on this tour, probably with the same level of enthusiasm that Knobbs showed here, and then leaving for WCW. 1/2*.

Meanwhile, Lord Alfred chats with Doink the Clown, who basically does a Roddy Piper impression.

Doink the Clown v. Kamala

Danny Davis checks Doink for weapons and finds a club in his sleeve, but Doink claims ignorance. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation. Doink takes him down and works an armbar. I’m pretty sure Matt Borne actually worked a bunch of times with Kamala in Mid-South and would know how to get something out of him if given free reign. Kamala comes back with chops and a corner splash, so Doink retreats to the floor and under the ring. He comes out from the other side and jumps Kamala from behind, giving us this exchange:

JR: “Do we know if that’s the same person in the ring?”

Bobby: “Of course it is, the black guy from Uganda.”

JR: “No, the clown!”

Kamala comes back with the splash to the back, but of course he’s too stupid to pin him properly and can’t figure it out. So Kamala appeals to the fans and Doink rolls him up with a handful of skirt and pins him at 6:00. Two stellar finishes to start the show. DUD

Headshrinker Samu v. Mr. Perfect

I feel like Perfect might try to get something out of Samu just out of sheer stubbornness. Plus Samu used to be a high flyer in his younger days. Samu misses a crossbody and Perfect gets his own for two and takes Samu down with dropkicks and armdrags to chase him out of the ring. Yup, that’s what I figured. Back in, Samu wants to slow the pace again and asks for a test of strength, but Perfect picks it up again before walking into a shot from Samu. Samu tosses him over the top and Perfect takes his usual bump off that, and Afa gets a cheapshot, which Bobby approves of. Samu runs him into the stairs, and back in for some chops, but he misses a charge and Perfect goes to work on the leg. That’s his superkicking leg! Afa trips Perfect up, however, and out he goes again with another bump to the floor. Bobby: “You know what illegal is? A sick bird.” NOTHING from Jim Ross. NOTHING. Back in the ring, Samu gets two and chokes him out, but Perfect fights back with chops until Samu pounds him down in the corner and tosses him for bump #3. Perfect is desperately trying to pull anything he can out of this shitty hosue show level match and Samu just has no interest in doing anything. Back in the ring, Bobby claims that Mr. Perfect was illiterate when he met Bobby, and Bobby had to teach him to write his own name. HUGE IF TRUE. Samu beats him down for two, but Perfect comes back and they slug it out until Samu goes down. But then Samu goes low and takes over again, running Perfect into the turnbuckles a few times. Perfect with a small package for two. But then Samu goes to the eyes and tosses him AGAIN. Even Perfect can’t be bothered to take a dramatic bump by this point. Back in, Samu misses an elbow, and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 13:30. Perfect was trying but this was another complete yawn. *

Damien Demento v. Bob Backlund

Demento slugs away to start, but Bob backslides him for two and Demento bumps to the floor off a forearm. Back in, Demento works a chinlock, but Bob slams out that predicament and gets a sunset flip for two. Demento puts him down with an elbow while Bobby works through his schtick while desperately trying to find something to fill airtime with and the crowd is DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD. Back to the chinlock and if smartphones had existed in 1993 most of the crowd would be checking their Twitter right now. Maybe streaming a “Best of Big Daddy” compilation on World of Sport Plus. Backlund comes back with a rollup and thankfully pins him at 7:57 to end this shitty match. -*

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect talks about how beating Samu was a tough win for him, but Lex Luger is getting the payback on the rest of the UK tour. Or, and follow along with me here, he might play an even longer game…

Typhoon v. The Brooklyn Brawler

OH COME ON NOW. This show is just messing with me now. What do you British blokes say? It’s “taking a piss on me”? Something like that. Anyway, I recently learned that the current WWE bell ringer is Typhoon Jr and is best friends with Earthquake Jr and damn if that isn’t wholesome as all get out. Typhoon pounds away on Brawler and throws a rare dropkick to send him to the floor. Haven’t seen him fly through the air like that since…oh wait that’s not for a few months yet. Back in the ring, Brawler stomps him down and chokes him out on the ropes before going to a chinlock. That doesn’t work so he goes back to the choking and the crowd is pretty sure that this match has all gone Pete Tong. I don’t know who Pete Tong is but apparently he’s a harbinger of bad things. So Brawler switches back to the chinlock, since his previous plan of choking didn’t work again, but this time he’s really sure that the chinlock is going to be the key to putting Typhoon away. Too bad he didn’t put a small 2×4 by the side of the ring, he’d have won 10 minutes ago. Anyway Typhoon comes back and somehow triumphs over Steve Lombardi with a powerslam at 8:48. And then he went to WCW and…yeah. DUD

Meanwhile, the Narcissist isn’t worried about Mr. Perfect watching his match tonight, because he has no weaknesses to exploit.

Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. Crush

Wait a second, Crush is coming off a loss to DOINK THE CLOWN at Wrestlemania and he’s getting a title shot out of it? I’d like a word with the championship committee about this one. I will say, at the very least the bar has been set so incredibly low for this show by this point that Shawn should have no problem doing a Fosbury Flop right over it. That’s a high jumping reference for you British fans reading it. I don’t know if you have high jumping in England. Really I don’t want to know. I assume their high jumpers just walk up to the bar and make dryly ironic passive aggressive remarks to it. Besides, I have enough people on my timeline going on about cricket and British-rules soccer as it is and it really doesn’t want to make me explore the athletic preferences of the UK any further. Apparently people are really concerned about some guy’s ashes and some other guy transferring or something. People actually play cricket in the park near where I live, and no matter how many times I call the police on them they keep coming back, so you have to assume that people really seem to enjoy the game for whatever reason. Anyway Crush gets a backbreaker and Shawn bails to the floor to regroup, and back in for a press slam from Crush as he threatens to make Shawn do a Spike Dudley, but then just slams him and clotheslines him to the floor instead. Shawn tricks him into charging on the floor and Crush runs into the post like a numpty and Shawn takes over. Back in the ring, Shawn with some double axehandles and he goes to the middle rope and drops an elbow, but Crush won’t stay down. DDT gets two. Shawn goes to the chinlock, but Crush fights out of that and makes the comeback with a big boot and suplex. Legdrop follows and Shawn takes a walk at 8:48 to continue the lazy house show booking, although Crush gives him the big head squeeze to get some revenge. **

Bobby Heenan interviews special guests Yokozuna and Bobby Heenan in the ring, and everyone is pretty confused about how Hulk Hogan ended up as WWF champion at Wrestlemania. Yeah me too. So then Yoko stays at ringside to watch the main event.

Lex Luger v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

This had to be kind of awkward because by the time the tape was out Lex was firmly riding the Lex Express and defending the USA. Duggan chases Lex out of the ring with clotheslines and then offers him a free shot in the ring before slugging him down. But then Lex takes over with clotheslines and goes to the chinlock. Lex drops the elbow for two and goes back to the chinlock but they collide and Duggan lands on the floor. This allows Yokozuna to sit on him out there, and back in the ring for the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH for two, before Mr. Perfect runs in for the DQ at 6:47 as the shitty finish cherry on this boring shitty sundae of a show. DUD.

Good lord I should have just watched AEW Rampage instead of this tonight. I somehow hated this show even more than I did when I first reviewed it 20 years ago. Apparently time does NOT heal all wounds. Well I learned something at least.