The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 02.11.00
Feels like we’ve been paying a lot of attention to the shiny new KrisPLettuce toys lately so let’s get back to ECW again while that promotion slowly falls apart in their last year of existence.
WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF: https://www.blogofdoom.com/2023/05/12/the-smark-rant-for-ecw-wrestling-on-tnn-02-04-00/
Rob Van Dam, embroiled in challenging Mike Awesome to ECW World title matches and building to a big main event on the next PPV, suddenly breaks his leg in a freak accident and the entire promotion goes down the toilet as a result.
No cold open this time, as we just get right to the introduction.
Taped from Tallahassee, FL. There are TOO MANY VOWELS in that name. Please remove three. I am not a kook. Also it sounds like the crowd is a bunch of Atlanta Braves fans. I mean, it would make sense, the states border each other.
Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, but when they travel to Earth, they like to ride my….” Gertner. Once again, we sadly never learn what they might like to ride that rhymes with “Venus”, as Cyrus interrupts with the Dupps in tow. So he announces that RVD has broken his leg and deadpans “No one feels worse about it than I do” while rolling his eyes, and then contradicts himself by pointing out that the Network doesn’t care about his broken leg because they only care about ad revenue and live gate attendance. And RATINGS. Apparently the Network is run by a bunch of Twitter wrestling fan incels. Cyrus rightly points out that no one on ROCKIN’ BOWL would ever miss a booking, but ECW is a valuable lead-in for ROLLER JAM and so they need a TV title match tonight. ROLLER JAM MUST GO ON! Which all means that Rob’s PPV tag partner, Spike Dudley, will have to defend the TV title on RVD’s behalf against the Dupps.
ECW TV title: Spike Dudley v. The Dupps
After the harder edged Spike in the Mike Awesome matches, he’s now back to fun-loving idiot Spike again. And he immediately hits a double Acid Drop and pins the Dupps to retain.
Meanwhile, Raven asks Mikey Whipwreck to talk to Tommy on his behalf. Mikey: “I’m fighting him tonight, Raven!” Raven: “Even better!” So Raven wants Tommy to dump Francine because it’s really putting a cramp on their friendship. And then the camera pans back after Raven leaves, and James “Sinister Minister” Mitchell is sitting on a table and cackling with Mikey, apparently invisible to Raven moments before. This was weird but it succeeded in freshening up Mikey’s character a lot.
Meanwhile, New Jack and Ballz are out on the STREETS and that’s where they come from, as apparently this Baldies thing is still going. These guys both got stuck in so many mismatched mutt tag teams together. I guess it’s inevitable they ended up together at some point.
Mikey Whipwreck v. Tommy Dreamer
The Sinister Minister comes out and quickly distracts Tommy, allowing Mikey to hit our first ballshot out of the match, and he declares that “Just because I’m 39 and live in my mom’s basement, I’n not a baby!” Hmm, 39 and lives in his mom’s basement…once again, sounds like Twitter wrestling nerds we know. So they fight into the crowd and Dreamer hits him with a refreshing beverage and they head back down to the ring as they’re trying for smoke and mirrors and we’ve barely even seen the smoke yet, let alone mirrors. Tommy grabs a chair, but Mikey hits him with it to take over and puts the boots to him on the ropes, but Tommy comes back with a neckbreaker. Tommy goes up and gets crotched for our second ballshot of the match, but Tommy blocks a stunner and then misses an elbow from the top. Then Mikey misses a moonsault and the Dreamer Driver gets two as the Minister pulls him out to save. So we get Francine v. Minister, as she hits him in the nuts for our third ballshot of the match, but Mikey goes after her and then kicks Tommy low for our FOURTH ballshot, which gets two. And then this brings out Raven, but Mikey throws powder at Tommy and hits Raven, and he DDTs Francine by mistake. So then Tommy attacks Raven and Mikey rolls him up for two, but Tommy hits the death valley driver on Mikey and then attacks Raven again. Mikey attacks again, but Tommy DDTs him and pins him at 9:29. What a fucking mess this whole thing was, a terrible match with 8 million false finishes and run-ins piled on top of it trying to distract from how empty the wrestling was. DUD. I’m gonna start up a new Twitter account and buy the blue check mark for it, and call it @ECW_Botches194817 and post clips from this with my hilarious commentary! And I’m gonna troll Sean Ross Sapp really good! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!
Oh no. What have I become? WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?
James Cameron was right, when you look into the abyss long enough, eventually it looks into you.
Meanwhile, Tommy heads backstage looking for Raven, and someone quips “He’s probably banging Francine” and that earns him a beating. Another geek points out that Raven was blinded and couldn’t see what he was doing, and Tommy beats him up as well.
Raven v. Justin Credible
So they go a-brawling on the outside as Justin bumps all over the place, and Raven beats on Justin in the ring and brings a table in there, which he sets up in the corner. Justin quickly whips him through that to take over. Back to the floor, where Raven gets busted open, and Justin chinlocks him in the ring. Raven fights back with a knee to the gut and they fight to the floor again, where Justin finds another table. So that one gets set up in the same corner as the first one, but this time Justin goes through it. So Raven comes back with a jawbreaker and sleeper, but Justin quickly suplexes out of that for two. Justin slugs away in the corner, but Raven goes low for our first ballshot of the match and fifth of the show thus far, and Raven makes the comeback with the kneelift and snot rag. He never got that stupid kneelift over, but give him credit for trying I guess. Lance Storm runs in and the Impact Midcarders double-team Raven for an extended beatdown and multiple headshots onto a chair. And the match just kind of ends with no finish around 12:00. And for our SIXTH shot to the nuts of the night, I have to hear their stupid catchphrase. Match was hovering around OK-ish before they ran out of ideas on how to end it. **
Back from the break, Dusty Rhodes comes out to check on Raven for some reason, and Cyrus demands that he leave the ring because of Network reasons. “Don’t kayfabe me, I’m in on the gimmick, I’m Office!” Dusty claims it’s not about the ratings, it’s about the boys, which is pretty rich coming from DUSTY RHODES. So Dusty does his promo while Cyrus does his imaginary conversation with the headset, which never not hilarious, and Dusty’s speech doesn’t really make any sense but at least people are buying whatever the message is supposed to be. Funny note, in the Observer for this week, Dave speculates that there’s probably a good reason why Paul Heyman kept burying the Network and portraying them as the heels on his show. And of course we would learn that reason a few months after this. Anyway, Steve Corino and his crew of morons hit the ring as usual, and Dusty fights them off himself before Rhino lays him out and beats him down to end the show.
Oh man, the shows were feeling fresh and different for the first month of the year with the Spike Dudley and RVD pushes, and then all of a sudden it’s right back to the neverending Tommy and Raven soap opera and more Dusty and it’s like they just sucked all the life out of the promotion in one week. This was one of the worst episodes of the show I can remember thus far. This is gonna be a rough PPV build, I bet.