The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.07.23
Live from Colorado Springs, CO
Your hosts are Excalibur, Taz & Tony Schiavone
AEW International title: Orange Cassidy v. Swerve Strickland
Poor Orange is more K-tape than man at this point. Kudos to the guy with the “I’m just here for the zip line” sign. What was even more crazy is that there were 12 suitors left at that point, which means that Ronnie somehow outlasted a dozen other people! Swerve takes Orange down with an armdrag and they’re at a stalemate. Swerve goes for the arm again to put Orange on the mat, but Orange goes limp to escape and then gets a lazy Octopus hold on him. Swerve escapes, so Orange goads him into a charge and Swerve misses and hits the floor. But that ends up badly for Orange, as Swerve runs him into the railing and rams the hand into the post. Back in the ring, Orange takes Swerve to the floor with a rana, but Swerve lands on his feet and hangs on, so Orange gives him ANOTHER rana to take him down and hits a dive for good measure. Back in the ring, Orange with a crossbody, but Swerve slugs him down and they fight to the top rope. Both guys go down to the floor off that and we take a break. Back with Orange beating on him with elbows, but Swerve blocks the Beach Break and catches him with a flatliner for the double down. Orange fights back with the vicious strikes, but Swerve somehow survives it, so Orange backslides him for two. DDT gets two. Orange goes up and Swerve blocks him and puts him down with a death valley driver on the apron, which I’ve heard is THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Orange fights back with superkicks out there and a tornado DDT to the floor, and back in with a diving DDT off the top that gets two. Orange tries the Punch, but Swerve blocks it, so Orange gets a rana instead for two. Prince Nana tries to interfere and collides with Swerve by mistake, and the Beach Break gets two off that. Swerve bails to the floor and Orange tries a dive, but Swerve catches him and suplexes him on the floor. Back in, that sets up the Swerve kick, but Orange cradles him for two. Swerve with a leg kick to set up the Swerve Stomp, but that gets two. Swerve gives us Shocked Two Count Face, but Orange reverses the JML Driver into a rollup, and Swerve reverses that, but Orange reverses that again, grabs the tights, and gets the pin to retain at 16:35. So the Mogul guys all attack, but the lights go out and Sting and Darby make the save. Man I thought this might have been the one where Orange finally lost that thing. ****
Meanwhile, Ricky Starks and the little guy with the funny accent set up our main event tonight.
Meanwhile, Bryan Danielson throws out a challenge to Okada, with the most badass line about Okada being the Rainmaker but Danielson taking him to the desert.
Best Friends & Rocky Romero v. The Blackpool Combat Club
The Friends attack right away and Yuta takes a piledriver for two, but Claudio saves. Bryan Danielson as usual assures us that he would have been fine due to his chin-tucking training. Best Friends clear the ring for a three-way hug, which disgusts Bryan, and they triple-team Moxley, but Bryan cackles that they didn’t even go for a cover! I mean, Bryan is clearly one of the greatest wrestlers in modern history, but he might be one of the greatest commentators too. The BCC hits Chucky with a Hart Attack, however, and we take a break. Yuta with a german suplex, but Chucky hits him with a knee out of the corner and Trent gets a hot tag and spears Moxley. Trent beats on Mox with chops and Rocky comes in with a flying bodypress, giving us some Roppongi Vice double-team spots for two. Moxley tries a piledriver on Trent, but he reverses for the Strong Zero, and that gets two. Rocky with Sliced Bread and he jumps into a cross armbreaker, but Trent tries to moonsault Claudio on the floor and that backfires spectacularly. Back in the ring, the BCC beats the shit out of Best Friends with elbows and that finishes at 8:47. Yuta’s got quite the mean streak going here. I think we need a Bryan Danielson training montage with him, where he gets hung upside down by his feet while blindfolded, and beaten with tree branches until his torso is scarred and bloodied while Bryan screams demotivational trash talk at him. And then they cut him down and Bryan proclaims “And that’s how we train headlocks in the BCC!” Anyway this match ruled. ***1/2.
Meanwhile, Hangman & the Bucks have words for the BCC and throw out a trios challenge for next week. Also we learn that the babyface team is the “Hung Bucks”. Good to know.
Meanwhile, we’re also getting Kenny Omega v. Will Ospreay at Forbidden Door.
MJF joins us and he somehow resisting killing himself because Colorado sucks so badly. Also he’s bored as champion due to lack of competition. So this brings out Adam Cole (Bay Bay), but MJF interrupts the big climactic reading of his name just to be a dick. So MJF actually puts over Cole and talks about how he’s happy to have the competition. But then he wonders when Adam went soft and ended up sitting at home behind his computer like Gollum while Britt keeps his balls in her purse. Also Adam only jumped to AEW because Vince McMahon didn’t think he had “top guy potential”. And MJF agrees with Vince. So then Adam mounts his verbal comeback and thinks they should go pee in cups backstage and determine whose body is natural and who isn’t. Also no one in the back or in the crowd respects MJF. “That’s a lot of tough talk coming from Keith Lee’s manager.” But then Adam demands a match and MJF finally accepts to kick off the next program. This was OK but felt a bit long for what they were going for.
Meanwhile, the Hardy Party reveal their newest employee, Ethan Page.
Jungle Boy & Hook v. Preston Vance & Dralistico
This is tornado rules and the Jungle Hookers quickly double-team Dralistico. I liked his black gear from Rampage better than his white and black gear here, the Rampage gear made him look like a bigger star. Dralistico chokes out Perry with a cable while Hook fights with Vance into the crowd and beats on him with forearms. Perry comes back and tears at the mask, obviously still harboring issues with masked men, and we take a break. Back with Hook wrapping a chain around his fist and slugging Vance down on the floor, busting him open in the process. The heels run Perry into the railing, however, and double-team Hook, but Hook suplexes Dralistico out there. Vance puts him down with a lariat and goes for a piledriver on the tables at ringside, but Perry saves with a chairshot and Hook puts Preston through the table instead. Jose the Assistan gets involved and Hook chokes him out while Perry puts Dralistico in the Snare Trap, and he taps at 9:00. Fun Attitude era brawl. ***1/4
Meanwhile, Tony Khan announces another announcement: The main event of the first Collision: Bullet Club & Samoa Joe v. FTR & CM Punk. Well that’s a certainly a match. Hey wow, hope they also announce that it will actually be airing somewhere else in the world besides the US.
Konosuke Takeshita v. David Ace
Takeshita batters the enhancement guy with knees in the corner and then slams him in the back of the head with a forearm while they replay the Omega angle on the big screen over and over, and the knee strike finishes at 1:35. And then Callis tries to talk again and the crowd boos him out of the building again right on cue. So Callis powers through it, calling Kenny Omega a cancer that he had to cut out of his body, just like Takeshita is going to cut the Elite out of the company.
Meanwhile, Christian Cage is still mad about Arn Anderson costing him the TNT title, so they’ve beaten up Brock Anderson in retaliation.
TBS Title: Kris Statlander v. Anna Jay
Anna tries a headlock on Statlander, but Kris reverses to a facelock and then puts her down with a suplex. Anna bails to the floor and tries to sucker Statlander into a chase, and Kris trips her up on the apron instead. Back in, Statlander sweeps the leg for two, but Anna gets a leg lariat in the corner and puts the boots to her as we take a break. Back with Statlander making a comeback with a powerslam for two. Meanwhile Taya is really angry at the TV screen. Kris goes up and Daddy Magic provides distraction so that Anna can bring her down for two. Kris comes back with a lariat, but she goes after Daddy Magic again and Anna gets the choke on her. Kris slams out of it and finishes with the Big Bang Theory at 8:17. This makes Taya even madder at the screen backstage. Maybe they have that Motion Flow shit turned on, that always makes me really annoyed too. Match was OK. **
Meanwhile, Toni Storm faces the winner of a four-way match on Rampage.
Ricky Starks v. Jay White
They fight on the floor to start and White tries to retreat to the back while Starks preps the stairs, and they fight up at the entrance and back down to the ring again. Starks suplexes him on the floor and we take a break. Back with White in control with chops in the corner, but Starks fights back and takes White down with a superplex. White tries the Blade Runner, but Starks escapes and gets a tornado DDT in the corner for two. Another DDT gets two. White with a uranage for two. Starks comes back and tries the spear, but White counters with a knee and goes for the Blade Runner. Starks reverses out of that and gets the spear on the second try, but the ref is bumped and the Gunns hit the ring and give Starks the 310 to Yuma. And Jay hits the Blade Runner for the pin at 13:10. So I guess the Gunns are part of Bullet Club now, which seems pretty on-the-nose. As far as surprise additions to the Club goes, this was certainly one of them. ***
First hour was a banger, but the show kind of died off as it went on, I think mostly due to Tony Khan and his goddamn announcements. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. Anyway, a thoroughly acceptable and OK show overall.