The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 5, Celtics 3.
Taped from Chicago IL
Your hosts are Terry Taylor & Mick Karch
Tonight: THE TOURNAMENT BEGINS! Although you probably paid for your whole seat, you’ll only need the edge of it!
AWF World title tournament, round one: The Superfly v. Mr. Hughes
Just to clarify, Superfly is not Jimmy Snuka, but rather Rikishi’s brother Sam Fatu, aka the Samoan Savage, aka Islander Tama. Hughes jumps Superfly and puts the boots to him in the corner and then stomps on the braced knee. Hughes with some headbutts, but we once again learn that Samoans have harder heads than black guys according to wrestling science, so Hughes puts him down with a shot to the bad knee and pins him with an elbowdrop at 1:35 instead.
Mr. Hughes joins Killer Ken, and apparently Hurricane Smith is still in the hospital and may never wrestle again! I didn’t know he wrestled in the first place. So Hughes threatens to continue hitting people with Sidewalk Slams until he wins the tournament.
AWF World title tournament, round one: Sgt. Slaughter v. The Ultimate Destroyer
I love that this guy is THE ULTIMATE DESTROYER and just kind of gives a bored shrug when introduced. He’s a very laid back destroyer, I guess. First mention of Paul Alperstein, take a drink. Terry Taylor claims that Slaughter is “the most famous pro wrestler in all of the world”, so clearly he’s been taking drinks already. The Destroyer, like all ultimate destroyers, has vertical striped tights with a t-shirt underneath them to hide his girdle. They fight for the lockup to start and Slaughter dumps Destroyer over the top rope on a missed charge, and back in for some slams to send the Destroyer running to the floor again. Well running as fast as this guy can run. You see, Destroyer took one of the little flags from ringside and BROKE IT, so Slaughter is angry as though you were taking a tiny representation of the US itself and breaking it. Destroyer goes up and misses a splash, allowing Slaughter to hit the Cannon and put him in the Cobra Clutch to end the round.
Meanwhile we get an inset promo from Cowboy Bob Orton, doing a Terry Funk imitation instead of his usual laid back style, and then Destroyer is unable to answer the bell and Slaughter wins to advance to the second round. Afterwards, the ring fills up with all the kids that Alperstein could rent from the local orphanage for the taping, and they had to act all excited to hang out with ancient Sarge or NO GRUEL FOR SUPPER. So you know they played along.
AWF World title tournament, round one: Tony Atlas v. Tommy Rich
Look at the guts on that Tony Atlas! Oh wait they said “guns”, my mistake. Tony grabs a headlock on Rich and then Rich wants a handshake, so Atlas shakes and squeezes so hard that Rich falls into the ropes in pain! HILARITY ENSUES! Atlas works the arm on the mat as the announcers appear to imply that Rich has a foot fetish, and on that note we end the first round.
Second round and Rich attacks Tony in the corner as we get Paul Alperstein mention, take a drink. Atlas puts him down with a headbutt and then goes up to the second rope with another headbutt that almost made contact! Rich goes flying out of the ring like a turkey and Atlas slams him back into the ring, but Rich kind of falls on top for the pin at 6:11, although the camera completely misses the manager interfering, even on the replay.
Greg Valentine joins Killer Ken to celebrate his partner advancing in the tournament. Rich, who faces Sgt. Slaughter in the next round, claims Sarge is a draft dodger. Huge if true. Actually it is true, he never even served in the military.
AWF World title tournament, round one: Nails v. Koko B. Ware
Nails immediately chokes out Koko, but Koko gets a bodypress for two out of the corner. Nails throws him over the top and that’s a DQ at 0:58, so Koko moves onto the second round. WHERE IS PAUL ALPERSTEIN? TAKE A DRINK! Nails continues with a beatdown, but Tony Atlas makes the save and they stand there staring at each other while the fake crowd noise goes crazy for this potential main event in any arena in the country serviced by the AWF.
Tito Santana joins Killer Ken to discuss the bad luck he’s got in drawing Hercules for his first round opponent. I’m sure he’ll do fine, mostly because they aired the matches on this show out of order and Terry Taylor already said that Tito advanced to the next round. But Tito isn’t even able to finish his promo before Hercules storms into the backstage area and lays him out! Oh man, is Hercules going to win now and create some kind of temporal paradox? I hope not for the sake of the space-time continuum! I’m pretty sure Paul Alperstein won’t let reality fold in on itself. That’s one of the important tenets of the AWF: NO THROWING YOUR OPPONENT OVER THE TOP ROPE, AND NO TEMPORAL PARADOXES!
AWF World title tournament, round one: Tito Santana v. Hercules
Hercules works the arm to start, but Tito comes back with slams and chases Herc out of the ring. Back in the ring, Herc asks for time out, but he’s already messed with the timeline enough tonight and the ref denies him. So Tito gets a small package for two, but Herc runs him into the turnbuckles to put him down again. Herc with the powerbomb as time expires in the first round.
Round two and Herc beats on him with ILLEGAL PUNCHES. WHERE IS PAUL ALPERSTEIN? TAKE A DRINK! Herc gets a slam for two. Tito suddenly hits the flying forearm for two, but Herc is in the ropes. So Tito goes after Sheik Adnan, and Herc hits the Sheik by mistake, allowing Tito to hit a second flying forearm to advance at 7:04.
Next week: THE LAST THREE MATCHES IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE TOURNAMENT! WHY AM I YELLING ABOUT IT? I’M NOT SURE TO BE HONEST!