The SmarK Rant for AWF Warriors of Wrestling – Episode 4
I have been informed that last week’s episode was presented out of order on the AWF DVD set. I’m sure that it’ll all make perfect sense from now on.
Taped from Chicago, IL.
Your hosts are Mick Karch & Terry Taylor
TONIGHT! A very special announcement from AWF President Paul Alperstein! Take a drink.
Gentleman Chris Adams v. Bobby Bradley
Terry Taylor actually spoils the announcement from AWF President Paul Alperstein, take a drink, revealing that he’ll be announcing the tournament for the first ever AWF World title and the pairings. Wait, special announcements from the owner? In Chicago? Tournaments? Am I watching AWF or AEW? Anyway this is clearly back where we started again instead of months later like the third episode was. There’s probably also some branching time paradoxes involved here as well. Bradley tosses Adams and gets a bit of offense on him, but Adams comes back in with a flying clothesline and catches him with a sleeper, and then puts him down with a piledriver. Another mention of Alperstein, take a drink. Adams goes up and misses a kneedrop, and Bradley works the knee and goes to a half-crab. Adams makes the ropes, so Bradley SWEEPS THE LEG and goes to a standing kneebar until Adams boots out of it and the round expires.
Second round and Bradley dives in with a single leg takedown and then wraps Adams’ knee around the post. Adams fights back with the enzuigiri (which Taylor calls “eng-a-zoori”) and finishes him with the superkick at 5:51. Not the worst match ever and the finishing superkick looked good. Dare I say this was…good? Nah, let’s not get crazy.
Meanwhile, Chris Adams talks about how much he loves the round system and he’s looking forward to the tournament.
Johnny Gunn v. Jimie V
But the great unanswered question: Is Johnny Gunn related to the Smoking Gunns, and/or was one of them named after the other? Gunn with a hiptoss on V and he puts him on the floor for a baseball slide. Jimie comes back to the apron and Johnny slingshots him into the ring, but V fights back with chops in the corner. And then Johnny fires back with his own and drops an elbow as we get another mention of Paul Alperstein, take a drink. Gunn with the HOUSE QUAKE to finish at 3:24. Like they seriously couldn’t come up with any kind of Gun-related pun for that move? Here’s one for free: The GUNN-SHOT.
Meanwhile, Hercules wants to know if Paul Alperstein, take a drink, has entered him into the tournament, but no one knows yet because they’re being done in a blind draw later.
Greg Valentine v. Ronnie Vegas
Vegas attacks and gets nowhere, as Greg snapmares him down and goes to a neck vice. This sets up an inset promo from WARLORD, showing why Warlord didn’t do promos in the WWF. Valentine works the arm with a wristlock takedown attempt, but Vegas takes a bump facefirst for some reason instead of doing a forward roll and knocks himself silly. Regardless, Vegas fights back with chops in the corner, but he charges and misses, and Valentine drops him with a back suplex and works the arm. Valentine switches to working the leg and the round expires.
Second round and Hammer beats on him with chops and chokes him out on the ropes. Vegas tries to whip Valentine to the other corner, but the knee gives out and Greg just chooses not to run, and then finishes with the figure-four at 6:47. Apparently Paul Alperstein will be taking a look at the match for potential sanctions against Valentine for excessive violence. Also excessive alcohol consumption because it’s time to take another drink. This was a complete trainwreck of a squash.
Meanwhile, heart throb Luscious Tommy Rich, who sounds like Papa Briscoe, is also ready for the tournament once Paul Alperstein announces it, take a drink. Ken Resnick spreads rumors about the championship final going 12 rounds, which is just fine with Greg Valentine. He takes 10 rounds just to get warmed up, I’ve heard!
Cowboy Bob Orton v. Billy Jo Eaton
Orton gets a pair of hiptosses and smacks Eaton around in the corner, but Eaton fights back with his own hiptosses and Orton bails. Back in, Bob slugs away in the corner and catches him with a high knee, and then finishes with a piledriver at 3:00. Is it the end of Eaton’s career, wonders Taylor? Well we can only hope.
PRESIDENT PAUL ALPERSTEIN (take a drink) joins Ken Resnick, showing off the new AWF World title belt and drawing names. So we get:
The Mighty Hercules v. Tito Santana
Hurricane Smith v. Superfly
Tommy Rich v. Tony Atlas
Sgt. Slaughter v. Ultimate Destroyer
Koko B. Ware v. Nails
Johnny Gunn v. Cowboy Bob Orton
Warlord v. Chris Adams
Jim Powers v. Greg Valentine
I should note that a few of these people haven’t even been on AWF TV as of yet. Also they had a Royal Rumble hopper on the table, but then cut away and just read the names. But wait! Mr. Hughes barges in and he’s upset about not being in the tournament, so Paul Alperstein makes him an alternate in case of injury. What is this, the UFC?
Hurricane Smith v. Hawkeye Cody Hunter
Before the match, Sheik Adnan bribes Cody Hunter to leave, and Mr. Hughes takes his place in the match. But then he beats up Hunter and steals the money back anyway.
Hurricane Smith v. Mr. Hughes
Hughes quickly squashes Smith and pins him with a side slam at 0:27. And then he continues the beating, coming off the top with a flying kneedrop, which I guess injures Smith and takes him out of the tournament. I feel like that violates the spirit of the agreement that Paul Alperstein made with Mr. Hughes. Take a drink.
BREAKING NEWS: Hurricane Smith has “some kind of concussion” and he’s out of the tournament.
NEXT WEEK: The tournament for the AWF World title begins! Just accept it.