The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.17.23
You know how in Casino, Joe Pesci is shaking down random mooks for information, and ends up having to put some guy’s head in a vice and squeezing his skull because he’s so stubborn that he won’t even give up another low level gangster? And Pesci is like “You’re making me put your head in a vice for THAT GUY?” CM Punk is the guy in the vice right now, who is about to have his eyes pop out of his head because he won’t give up Ace Steel. Either that or he’s got a brain tumor from drinking too much Pepsi and he’s gone right over the edge.
RIP to Superstar Billy Graham.
Live from Austin, TX
Your hosts are Taz, Tony Schiavone & Excalibur
Wardlow joins us to start with some epilepsy-inducing strobe lighting, and he’s dressed all fancy. So he calls out fellow fancy-dresser Christian and his pet dinosaur, and Wardlow dares him to spit in his face. So Christian obliges, but Wardlow attacks both heels before any saliva can be exchanged. And Christian hits him in the nuts, as he often does, and retrieves a ladder for some further damage. And that’s our opening segment.
Orange Cassidy & Darby Allin v. Lee Moriarty & Big Bill
Moriarty beats on Orange with forearms to start, and they trade cradles and then have a brutal slugfest on the mat. Over to Darby, who declines a test of strength with Bill, and the babyfaces get a double dive as we take a break. Back with Bill working on Orange with a delayed suplex, so delayed it should be called “Beyond Good and Evil 2”, and Bill does a little jig with his hands in his pockets to celebrate. Crowd doesn’t like that. Hot tag and Darby runs wild, but he runs into a Bossman slam from Bill for two. So the heels work on Darby for a bit, but Orange comes back in again with a DDT on Bill, and Moriarty rolls him up for two. Moriarty with the stretch, but Orange reverses for two. Orange and Darby double-team Moriarty with a superplex, but Bill lays them out with a double clothesline. Orange with the stunner on Bill to set up Darby’s Code Red, and Orange hits Lee with the Beach Break and the Coffin Drop sets up the SIDE HEADLOCK OF DOOM to finish at 11:19. Kind of messy, but a fun opener. Although with a week until the PPV it didn’t really provide any new information. ***
Meanwhile, the Young Bucks arrive in the parking lot, but the BCC shows up and destroys them. I’m disappointed they didn’t yell out “COME OUT AND PLAY, WARRIORS!” or something first.
Meanwhile, Wardlow is recovering in the back, but Arn bursts in and he’s mad about not being there to help. So Wardlow offers Christian a title shot in a ladder match.
Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy wants to fight anyone at Double or Nothing, including Kyle Fletcher.
Sammy Guevara v. Exodus Prime
I’m not into this Sammy as a babyface deal, but Exodus gets GTH’d in 0:26 anyway. Also Exodus Prime is an amazing wrestling name. And then Sammy does his generic “I’m gonna win” promo and that’s that.
Tony Schiavone joins us for an apparent interview with Jeff Jarrett and his crew, but FTR attacks on the stage and they get into a giant brawl down the ring. FTR goes for the kill in the ring, but Karen Jarrett is now part of the team and she gives us our second ballshot of the night, allowing the heels to win the day with guitars. Look, I’ve been very tolerant of Jeff’s TNA nonsense on this show, but I don’t know if I can forgive putting Karen back on TV again.
Meanwhile, Darby and Sammy agree to a temporary truce so that one of them can get the belt off MJF.
Toni Storm & Ruby Soho v. Dr. Britt Baker DMD & Hikaru Shida
Apparently Hayter is still injured, so the advertised trios match is off. Shida runs wild to start, but the heels cut her off in the corner and Storm stomps her down. Shida fights back with an enzuigiri and Britt comes in with a neckbreaker for two. Storm hits her with the hip attack, however, and Saraya gets some cheapshots outside as we take a break. Back with Britt fighting back on Storm with a neckbreaker out of the corner, and it’s hot tag Shida. She hits Ruby with a knee strike for two, and the falcon arrow for two. Britt comes back with a Lockjaw attempt, but Ruby rolls her over for two and then hits the Riot Kick. Storm tries the piledriver, but Britt reverses to the Air Raid Crash and Saraya throws the GREEN PAINT OF DEATH to Storm, setting up the piledriver to finish at 9:19. Another one with a hot crowd that made for a fun match, but the heel interference finishes are WAAAAAAAAAAAAY beyond overdone lately. ***
Meanwhile, Renee reveals that 20 people have challenged Orange Cassidy for Double or Nothing, so they’re gonna do the “blackjack battle royale” thing and he’ll defend against everyone. You can put money on Orange being #1 and the Bane to his Batman being #21, I bet. If I was a betting man, I’d say #21 is Will Ospreay, who wins the title to set up a rematch at Forbidden Door. But I’m not.
Meanwhile, Tony Khan announces that AEW Collision is a thing now, and reveals the upcoming taping dates in Canada. Well I’m still happy that I’ve got a Dynamite here in Saskatoon in July.
Falls Count Anywhere: Roderick Strong v. Chris Jericho
I was watching Neighborhood Wars on A&E before the show, and the ending segment featured someone catching a fight between two black bears in the suburbs, which the narrator dubbed “Chris Bear-icho and Ric Bear” and talked about the “Bear-icho Appreciation Society”. Suck on THAT, Bischoff. There’s some casuals for you. So they chop the shit out of each other to start, although it’s no bear fight, and fight to the floor, but Jericho quickly gets the Walls of Jericho in the ring after reversing a backbreaker. Roddy makes the ropes, which is strange for a falls count anywhere match, as apparently falls count anywhere but the specific area surrounding the ring apron. We take a break and return with them fighting into the crowd and into the mezzanine, and Excalibur has to somberly announce the death of Billy Graham while Jericho suplexes Strong through a table. Strong comes back with a back suplex onto the merch counter, so Jericho grabs a stanchion and beats Strong down with it. Man, Keith Lee used one of those on Rampage as well, is this like a TikTok trend the kids are into these days? Kids and their stanchions, man. So they fight into the stairwell and trade chops on a ledge, which leads to Jericho getting a two count. Back into the hallway, where Strong throws PLASTIC KNIVES at him and shoves ice cream in his face. Apparently it’s Mr. Softy, whatever that is. So they continue fighting up the hallway while a sea of people follow them in a crazy visual, and Strong walks out of the building and backs off. But since he’s not in the building, Adam Cole immediately appears and kicks Jericho’s ass before hitting him with the Boom in the dirt, and Roddy hits a knee strike for the pin at 13:37. Everyone called that finish but that doesn’t make it any less clever. A tremendously fun and wacky Attitude Era brawl and I don’t know how they top it at the PPV to be honest. ****1/4.
Rush v. Jack Perry
They brawl on the floor to start and Rush runs him into the railing a bunch of times and throws him into the front row as we take a break. Back with Jungle Boy busted open and trying a comeback, but Rush apparently checks for Perry’s cajones, and that fires up Perry for the comeback. He slugs away on the top rope and gets the Snare Trap on the mat, but Rush makes the ropes because Jack can’t get his grip sunk in. So they fight onto the apron and Rush suplexes him to the floor in a terrifying bump, and back in that gets two. He goes for the running knees, but the ref annoys him and they argue about it, which allows Perry to roll him up for the pin at 10:10. Rush was actually motivated this week and they had a hell of a match as a result. LFI with the beatdown afterwards, but Darby makes the save, only to get beaten down as well, so Sammy also makes the save and the three challengers clear the ring together. ***1/2.
Meanwhile, MJF doesn’t want to talk to Renee, and Toni Storm challenges Jamie Hayter for the World title at the PPV.
Ricky Starks v. Jay White
White runs away to start, but catches Ricky with a stungun and that gets two. They fight to the floor and we take a break, returning with them trading chops in the corner. Starks comes out of the corner with a lariat and makes the comeback with an atomic drop and tornado DDT, but White blocks it. So Starks gets a belly to belly and hits the DDT on the second try, for two. Jay with his own DDT for two and a uranage gets two. White goes for the finish, but Starks escapes it with elbows, so White dumps him to the floor with a slam. Back in, Starks catches him with a cradle for two, and a neckbreaker sets up a powerslam for two. Starks goes to finish, but Juice trips him up, and Starks recovers with a rollup for two. Spear for White and he goes for the Rochambeau, but White escapes and Juice runs in with a chair. But then Starks steals it and beats on White, drawing the DQ at 13:00. Pretty disappointing non-finish to what was a pretty great TV match. ****. Could I have been wrong about Jay White? No. It is the children who are wrong.
Don Callis joins Tony for our main event interview segment, but he can barely even start getting booed before the Elite come out to confront him. Which now includes Hangman Page, sporting the badass eye patch. And poor Wheeler Yuta takes the brunt of their wrath and gets sent running, and Page challenges them to Anarchy In the Arena for Double or Nothing. Sounds like they FINISHED THE STORY there. Eh? Eh? Eh? See what I did there?
This one took a bit to get going but the super-hot crowd turned it into a low key banger by sheer force of willpower. Way to go, Austin!