The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 05.13.23
Taped from Detroit, MI
Your hosts are Excalibur, Jim Ross & Tony Schiavone
The Acclaimed & Daddy Ass v. Kip Sabian & Butcher & Blade
Apparently the Butcher has a moustache even worse than Vince McMahon’s. Let’s not rap anything we can’t take back. Bowens hits Sabian with kicks to set up the guillotine, and then the Acclaimed double-teams Blade in the corner to set up the Scissor Me Timbers. Kip gets the cheapshot from the apron to take Bowens to the floor, however, and the heels go to work. Sabian with a moonsault to the floor and back in for some Butcher beatings while the crowd chants “We want Daddy”. MJF is right, everyone in this promotion has daddy issues. Butcher and Blade with a double-team legdrop for two, and Sabian comes in with a submission hold on the mat and they continue working Bowens over in the corner. Butcher with a backbreaker for two. Blade goes up and lands on a superkick, and Bowens makes the hot tag to Daddy Ass. He runs wild and powerslams Butcher, but Blade lays him out from behind. But then Caster also runs wild and Billy gets the fameasser for two. Caster drops the mic to finish at 8:10. This was pretty pedestrian. **
Meanwhile, QTV discusses the Wembley presale (Aaron Solo heard they only seat 8000). Harley heard a rumor that if you’re not born in England, you’re called “Brit…ish”.
Toni Storm v. Allysin Kay
Poor Allysin doesn’t even get an entrance here despite being a pretty big star. Kay attacks and puts the boots to Toni in the corner, but Saraya runs interference and Storm chokes her out on the ropes. The Outcasts get some abuse on the outside and Toni runs Kay into the post and back in for two. Kat fights back with a stungun and neckbreaker, and a lariat gets two. But then Storm DDTs her and goes for the finish, and Kay reverses out of that. The Outcasts distract the ref again and Storm gets a german suplex and the running hip attack in the corner, and finishes with the piledriver at 5:00. This was fine. **1/2
Kyle Fletcher v. Action Andretti
They trade wristlocks to start and Fletcher puts him down with kicks, while JR subtly buries Andretti a bit and notes that he needs to be known for something else besides “I once beat Chris Jericho”. Andretti with dropkicks on Fletcher and a springboard splash for two. He goes to the apron for another springboard, but Fletcher kicks him to the floor and slams him out there. I have to say, it’s a minor thing, but neither guy is particularly memorable on their own, and they’re both wearing the same style and color of gear and neither one really sticks out as a result. Back in the ring, Fletcher gets one on Andretti, and a slam gets two. Running clothesline gets two. And Fite takes a break from this rather dull match. Back with Andretti making a comeback with a tope, but Fletcher superkicks him and follows with a brainbuster for two. They fight to the top and Andretti brings him down with a superplex and follows with a 450 for two. Fletcher hits him with a spinkick, however, and a spinning tombstone to finish at 9:28. I like Aussie Open, obviously, but this wasn’t a particularly impressive showing for Fletcher. Just kind of a dull match with two fellas doing some flips. **1/4
Meanwhile, Don Callis turns on Kenny Omega.
The Hardy Boyz & Brother Zay join us, and maaaaaaaaaaaaaan you don’t wanna be checking out Matt’s Twitter tonight. He got hacked and hacked HARD. So the Hardyz announce that they’re going after the tag team titles, but the Gunns join us and they’re still bitter about not getting a rematch. So they want a shot at the Hardy Boyz first, and Matt wants them to put up Ethan Page’s contract as collateral. Apparently this idea makes sense to the Gunns and they agree on his behalf. This was BAAAAAAAAAAAD. Not like “Matt Hardy’s hacked Twitter” bad, but pretty brutal. Let me tell you, teasing me with the Gunns v. The Hardy Boyz is not the way to sell those last 25,000 tickets in Wembley.
Before the main event, they remind us to buy tickets to Double or Nothing. Maybe if they’d announce actual MATCHES for it, people might. We’re two weeks away and they’ve only announced the main event. And I guess the tag title match.
Alex Reynolds & John Silver v. Swerve & Brian Cage
Dark Elevation lives on with this main event. Big stall to start and Silver trades poses with the Machine and then takes him down with a headscissors. And Cage gets his own in response, so Silver puts him down with a slam. But the heels put him on the floor and Swerve boots him from the apron to take over. Back in the ring, Swerve puts the boots to Silver in the corner. Cage beats on him with forearms and tosses him with a slam. Silver fights back and makes the hot (?) tag to Reynolds, who powerbombs Swerve into a piledriver for two in a neat spot. Alex takes him to the top, but Swerve fights him off, so the Dark Order use the Wambo Combo of moves and that gets two. Cage pulls Silver out and destroys him on the floor, and back in tries to finish Reynolds, but Alex cradles for two. Cage and Swerve use a double team cutter for two in a good near fall. Silver comes back, but gets distracted by Nana, and the heels finish at 11:00. I know they’re building up the heels for Dustin & Keith Lee at some point, but that’s not exactly a marquee matchup and these guys have ZERO chemistry as a team. An OK main event to a dead show. **1/2
There was no reason to bother with this episode.