The SmarK Rant for AEW Rampage – 04.22.23
Taped from Pittsburgh, PA
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross & Excalibur
Jon Moxley v. Christopher Daniels
They trade hammerlocks to start and Mox works a headlock on him while the announcers discuss Daniels’ complicated history with the Elite. Feels like something they should have mentioned in the previous four years of the promotion but whatever. Daniels makes a comeback, but they fight to the floor and Mox backdrops him out there and drops him on the stairs. Back in the ring, but Moxley clotheslines him to the floor again and runs him into the stairs for a countout tease while the announcers admit that, yeah, Daniels is older than dirt. Back in, Mox with a cutter, but Daniels gets a crossbody for two. You know who the BCC should recruit to help in their vendetta against the Elite? Kazarian. I hear he’s the Elite Hunter. Mox with a lariat and piledriver for two, and he switches right into the bulldog choke. Daniels escapes and counters the Death Rider, then comes back with a flatliner and Angel’s Wings, but can’t cover. Finally that gets two. Mox has had enough and beats him down with elbows to block the moonsault, and then hooks him into another bulldog choke and puts out the lights at 9:00. Put him to sleep just like this match put the crowd to sleep. Much love to Christopher Daniels but he’s out there looking slower than Lita these days and it’s time to stay off TV. **1/4.
Meanwhile, Mark Sterling reveals that if Taya uses the Road to Valhalla in the match with Jade Cargill, she’ll be disqualified. Why would Taya sign that contract?
The Hardy Boyz and Hook join us, and has anyone considered that maybe hanging out with someone whose catchphrase is “SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!” might not be the best idea? Like I think Jeff has been in enough private parties for one lifetime. So Jeff decides it’s time to retire…from screwing up. But then the Firm attacks and lays them out.
Meanwhile, Keith Lee and Dustin Rhodes are back next week!
Kiera Hogan v. Julia Hart
Man that breakup from the Baddies sure worked out Hogan runs wild for a bit and counters Julia’s submission move into a rollup for two, but Julia puts her down with kicks and taps her out at 2:38. Just a basic Dark Elevation type of match. *1/2. And then Anna Jay runs in for a quick brawl with Julia and I’m still not clear on whether she’s a face or heel or what.
FTR & Jay Lethal & Jeff Jarrett v. Tony Nese & Ari Daivari & Josh Woods & Slim J
J beats on Dax in the corner to start, but the Ax hits him with a snap suplex for two and Cash adds a legdrop for two as Mark Briscoe looks on. I feel like his friendship with FTR would be doomed anyway because FTR has a much better friend for their trios team. The “babyfaces” clear the ring and get into a disagreement about strutting, and Lethal comes in with a neckbreaker on Slim J for two. Cash and Lethal try to double-team J, but that backfires and Cash gets worked over in the heel corner. Question: Why haven’t Jay Lethal and Jeff Jarrett been recruiting Slim J for their team? They can be QUADRUPLE J! They would effectively have total control of all the J’s in AEW. Instead of AEW, they can rename it JEW. On second thought, maybe not. Anyway not much going on in the match and Fite takes a break. Back with Woods holding a chinlock on Cash, and then Daivari comes in with a sleeper on Cash, but he escapes and makes the hot tag to Dax. That term is relative given how quiet this crowd is. It’s a DONNYBROOK and Mark Sterling gets hauled into the ring and double-teamed by Dax and JJ, but that also backfires and Nese rolls up Dax for two. But then Jarrett hits him with the Stroke and Dax gets the pin at 8:25. Nothing much to this one. **
This is quite the nothing happening episode. Maybe I should review Impact instead. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, as if.
Meanwhile, Butcher & Blade have words for Kenny Omega & Takeshita before Wednesday. Blade’s “NEWSFLASH, SLICK” should be the catchphrase of the 21st century and I’m sad they don’t get pushed more.
AAA Mega Championship: Vikingo v. Dralistico
So Dralistico is the guy who took the Mistico gimmick from the guy who used to be Sin Cara, but is not to be confused with the other guy who took the Sin Cara gimmick from Sin Cara. This shit is worse than Samoan family relations. Dralistico hits him with a dive before the bell, so Vikingo tries his own and splats on the ramp after Rush pulls his brother to safety. Back in the ring, Dralistico with a slingshot senton for two. They trade forearms and Vikingo hits him with a spinning kick, but Dralistico gets a german suplex, and Vikingo gets a poison rana. And then Dralistico gets the destroyer and they’re both down. Dralistico takes him to the floor and beats on him out there. Back in, Vikingo tries a springboard and lands in a codebreaker, and that gets two for Dralistico. He beats on Vikingo with kicks, but they fight on the top and Dralistico bumps to the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, and Vikingo hits him with a destroyer out there. But then LFI swarms Vikingo behind the ref’s back and beats on him out there, resulting in the heels getting sent to the back. Vikingo makes the comeback with a double stomp off the top for two, but Dralistico takes him off the apron with a rana, and back in for La Mistica. Vikingo makes the ropes and Dralistico celebrates like a geek, allowing Vikingo to hit him with double knees in the corner and then finish with a 630 at 11:34. And then LFI hits the ring again and lays him out to end the show. I mean, Vikingo had an all time great match with Omega, but they’ve done absolutely nothing to follow up on that outside of the ROH TV show and this just felt like a couple of luchadors having a lucha match and I’m just not into that particular style of wrestling. It was pretty good but I just don’t have any particular reason to care about either guy at the moment. ***.
This one definitely felt like a punt from TK, a dead show with a dead crowd on a night when no one is likely to be watching. And trust me, you didn’t miss anything.