The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.05.23

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.05.23

Live from Long Island, NY

Your hosts are Excalibur, Tony Schiavone & Taz

Ricky Starks v. Juice Robinson

This one doesn’t happen, as the match was just a setup for the debut of Jay White, to reunite the Bullet Club. Well this show is already worse than the RAW after Wrestlemania. Jay White is like an automatic 0.50 rating on Cagematch from me. Might as well have literally taken the $20,000/year he’s worth and burned it in a fire pit.

Last week, Adam Cole (Bay Bay) makes his return to the ring and beats Daniel Garcia.

Meanwhile, Tony chats with Chris Jericho, who has nothing against Adam Cole (Bay Bay), but Cole’s celebration went on way too long while Daniel Garcia was left laying there like a piece of trash. Keith Lee stops by, however, and points out that Jericho is the poster child for disrespect and he respects Adam Cole very much. But he doesn’t respect Jericho and wants to teach him a lesson next week in Milwaukee. Jericho is left speechless at that for once. You know who Keith Lee SHOULD teach some respect to? Jay White. Screw that guy.

AEW Trios titles: The House of Black v. Best Friends & Orange Cassidy

Tonight we find out if Orange is the new Black. Best Friends get a special escort to the arena, in Sue’s minivan. So you know it’s a big show. Trent takes Black to the mat with a headlock to start and tries a suplex out of the corner, but Black rolls him up for two. Trent hits him with the knee to put him down and Chucky comes in for the double-team. Buddy wins a mat battle with him and Orange comes in and throws his sunglasses, but the House smashes him into the corner to take over and goes to work on him. Everyone brawls outside and Orange tries a dive, but Buddy and Black catch him and spike him into the apron facefirst. So Trent tries his own dive and the same damn thing happens to him! There’s a famous saying about that. Fool me twice won’t get fooled again or something. We take a break and return with Brody accidentally diving onto his partners outside, and this time Orange’s dive succeeds, and back in they triple-team Malakai with a powerbomb for two. Everyone hits their big moves and it’s time for the epic kick showdown between Orange and Black, and that goes about as you’d expect. Trent with a lariat and piledriver on Black, and then he piledrives Buddy as well, but can’t do the same to Brody. But Orange hits the Punch on him and Trent gets it on the second try, which gets two. Chuck rolls up Buddy for two and hits Sole Food, but Buddy finishes him with Murphy’s Law to retain at 10:17. A very fun party match that was all action from start to finish. ***1/2

Meanwhile, Christian and his dinosaur buddy are back.

AEW Women’s title: Jamie Hayter v. Riho

Hayter offers a handshake and then turns on Riho, but Riho gets the headscissors and they trade rollups for two. Hayter puts her down with shoulderblocks, but Riho pops up with a dropkick and Hayter bails to the floor. Riho hits her with a dive and tries a crossbody back into the ring, but Jamie catches her and drops her with a gutbuster for two. Hayter lures her to the apron and catches her with a boot to the head before dropping her with a slam on the apron as we take a break. Back with Riho making the comeback with a diving crossbody for two and a pair of dragon suplexes for two. Riho goes up for the diving stomp, but that misses and Hayter gives him a neckbreaker and sliding lariat for two. Hayter with the superplex, but Riho reverses into a DDT on the landing,and they’re both out. They slug it out and Hayter wins that battle for two. They fight on the top and Hayter elbows her down, but Riho dropkicks her into the corner and follows with a sliding knee strike for two. They fight over a backslide and Hayter puts her down with the lariat for two. And the Hayterade finishes at 12:07. This one way overdelivered, although Riho seemed a little lost at times for some reason. ***1/2

Meanwhile, the Outcasts promise that one of them will end up as AEW Women’s champion, although Renee points out that there’s three of them and only one title.

The Acclaimed join us and Max’s rap makes it clear that they’re not joining the JAS, but Parker completely misses the point and books an 8 man tag for Rampage. Really I was just shocked that Caster resisted making any remarks about Cody Rhodes and/or Vince McMahon and/or Endeavor.

Earlier tonight: Some skinny little Bushwhacker wannabe is apparently All Elite now as the term loses all meaning.

Meanwhile, it’s MJF Day in Oyster Bay as he gets the key to the city and actually is out of character for once. You know who will never get a day named after him? I’ll give you a hint: JAY WHITE.

MJF joins us, complete with full band accompaniment, as he sings “Pennies from Heaven” for us. And yeah, he can definitely sing. So they introduce the “Town Supervisor” of Long Island and the crowd boos him out of the building (Taz: “I know this guy, he’s got a lot of heat on him.”) and MJF actually has to try to turn the poor guy babyface again by putting him over and then chides the crowd “not to run it for him”. So Max asks for a “You Deserve It” chant and is obliged by the crowd. Max tells us a story about his struggles with ADD (“ADD! ADD!”) and a teacher who was really mean to him in school. Because all he did was daydream about wrestling in school, and Mrs. Benedict didn’t think he would ever succeed at it. The lesson: Don’t be a stupid bitch. Duly noted. But then MJF goes to do an encore, and Jungle Boy reveals himself as a band member and attacks. To be fair, Maxwell did say that Jack’s girlfriend has a wandering eye and Jack has a small penis. Those are usually considered fighting words. Max is an entertaining guy but this was really long and didn’t feel like it accomplished much or presented any new information.

Sammy Guevara v. Kommander

Sammy blasts him with a high knee to put him on the floor and then moonsaults him with a gigantic hangtime. Back in, Kommander catches him with a superkick and ropewalks into a dive of his own, but Sammy catches him on the way down as we take a break. Back with Sammy suplexing him onto the apron, but Kommander comes in with a poison rana for two. Sammy bails to the floor and Kommander does another ropewalk into a springboard moonsault on the floor. Back in, the ropwalk shooting star misses, but he boots Sammy to the floor and then hits him with a Phoenix splash for two. Another one hits knees and Sammy gets two. Sammy with the GTH, but Kommander reverses for two. They head to the top and Kommander does another ropewalk, but Sammy brings him down with a cutter and finishes with the GTH at 8:15. Kommander had a lot of ropewalks and dives but the match itself wasn’t really any good. **. Afterwards, Sammy complains about having to watch American Idol in the last segment and complains about getting screwed over by Shawn Spears during Covid times. Also he complains about how MJF used to be friends with some jobber named Cody, whoever that is. This segment was DEEEEEEEEEATH.

FTW title: Hook v. Ethan Page

Hook t-bones him right away and Page bails to the floor, but he suckers Hook out for a brawl and runs him into the post. Back in the ring, Ethan pulls out a Twist of Fate for his BFF Matt, but Hook hits his own version. Page calls for the FTW title from Matt, but Matt finally turns on his partner and knocks him out, allowing Hook to finish at 2:00 and retain. That’s kind of a bummer, I was enjoying their whole deal together. And apparently Hook is now part of the Hardy Party faction.

Meanwhile, Nigel McGuiness sets up Tony Khan’s big announcement: AEW All In, in London. And furthermore, they’re doing it in Wembley Stadium. Well that certainly lived up to the hype. I was still kind of hoping it was TK laughing his ass off at Cody Rhodes for 30 minutes straight like the rumors said, but a Wembley show is pretty cool.

The Blackpool Combat Club v. Random Victims

So they squash the shit out of the unnamed goobers and Yuta taps one of them out with a crossface at 1:30. So this is just a setup for Bryan Danielson to complain about the lack of true wrestlers in the building, as apparently the Elite are all “amateurs” and they’re the only true professionals. So Hangman Page comes out to answer the trashtalk and gets jumped and destroyed while Bryan points out that no one loves him and no one is coming to save him. And then to prove that point, he pulls out a screwdriver and jams it into his face. Yikes.

AEW World tag title: The Gunns v. FTR

FTR double-teams Colton in the corner to start and Dax drops Cash onto him with a legdrop for two. The Gunns lure Cash to the apron, however, and Colton dropkicks him to the floor to take over. Back in the ring, kneelift and lariat combo gets two. Austin chokes him out in the corner and Colton gets an Uncle Slam for two as we take a break. Back with Cash fighting over to make the hot tag to Dax, and he slugs away on both Gunns. Cradle on Austin gets two. Cash dropkicks Dax onto Austin for two. Spike piledriver on Austin gets two, but Colton breaks up the Big Rig. A second try hits, but Colton pulls out the ref at two and demands the DQ. Cash goes after him and gets run into the post, and Austin hits Dax with the fameasser for two. Austin teases a Pedigree, but Dax rolls him up for two. So Austin goes low in front of the ref and demands the DQ again, but Cash stops the ref from ringing the bell and walks into the 310 to Yuma as a result. Next the Gunns bring the belt into the ring and the ref stops that, but the Gunns use the other belt and knock out Dax for two. So the Gunns try for the finisher again, but Dax blocks and FTR gets double rollups for the pin and the titles at 14:38, and they celebrate with Mark Briscoe to end the show. My reaction to this was less happiness for FTR and more “Thank god that disaster of a title reign is finally over” so I can’t really call it a success. One spot with them trying for the DQ was fine but they kept going and going with the same gag and it just went on too long in a match that was already kind of meandering along. **1/2.

This one was certainly more newsworthy than the RAW after Wrestlemania, but most of the wrestling in the second hour was pretty rough. In particular I really hated everything from the MJF segment through that Sammy-Kommander match and horrible promo afterwards, as it was just not for me at all and kind of ruined my enjoyment of the show up to that point. The crowd was hot but this was kind of a terrible episode overall.