The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.20.94
You know, I did promise that I’d get through Summerslam before I dropped this show forever, so I might as well make good. Two episodes left.
Can we talk about Picard? I know this final season is unabashed fan service, but I feel so very, very serviced by it as a fan.
Razor Ramon and his new best friend Walter Payton do a cold open promo, as they use the Saturday Night’s Main Event promo bassline in the background just to twist the knife in my cold nostalgic heart.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
Diesel v. Kevin Kruger
Oh man, we’ve got Finkel doing ring announcing here so you know it’s a big deal. Funny to see where Kevin Nash went from just three years before this in my WCW 91 review, actually showing charisma and presence now. Diesel beats on Kruger in the corner and follows with the Emerald City Slam, and then drops Kruger on the top with a version of Snake Eyes that ends with Kevin’s head slamming into the turnbuckle while Vince promises a ROMP ‘EM STOMP ‘EM AFFAIR with Razor Ramon. And the powerbomb finishes at 1:56. “Maybe he should have two belts!” notes Jerry Lawler. Yeah, about that…
Meanwhile, Owen Hart and Jim Neidhart do the go-home promo on Bret in a steel cage in an empty arena, as Owen notes that he beat Bret on Bret’s very best night, and now it’s for the title. Bret RUINED HIS CHILDHOOD and he’s coming for the belt. It’s too bad Owen had zero chance of actually winning because this was a hell of a promo, one of his best ever.
Speaking of which, some kid manages to find Bret Hart backstage and bugs him, but does Bret go on Twitter and rage about fans in airports? NO. Wrestlers were obsessed with getting noticed in airports for decades, and now they’ve suddenly all got a problem with signing a dozen wrestling figures and a couple of posters for a small lineup of dedicated fans who noticed them and/or hacked their AirTags and tracked them? Hypothetically speaking. Hopefully Bret signed some stuff for the kid, too, because it’s his job and we as fans deserve to monetize our collection off their names. They owe us. I mean, not Jay White, no one would ever worry about meeting him in an airport or otherwise to begin with, but like actual famous wrestlers, ones that people care about!
Sparky Plugg v. George Anderson
Sparky works a chinlock while Vince feels like the cage at Summerslam is not to keep Bret and Owen in, but rather to keep the overzealous Hart family members from interfering. Why, is there a spotlight that Bruce needed to steal? Plugg finishes with a flying bodypress at 2:11. I don’t think Vince or Lawler even called a single move for this entire epic clash and instead spent the whole time making jokes about Helen Hart. Oh wait, she’s OLD. Oh damn I just got it! Never mind, that’s hilarious.
Last week: Adam Bomb gets an inspiring DQ win over one of the guys in Well Dunn, once again showing why he was an elite babyface star.
Adam Bomb & The Smoking Gunns v. Well Dunn & Kwang
Lawler notes that a fan at ringside is “so ugly that she needs a bag over her head just to talk on the telephone”. That’s actually a very serious issue these days, with Zoom and Facetime having taken over from telephone calls. Being so ugly that you need to wear a paper bag over your head in order to participate in a video call is actually a serious problem and I’m kind of sickened that Lawler is making light of it here. Bart slingshots Billy onto Dunn for two, but Well comes in and beats on Billy, and then Kwang hits Billy with a leg lariat in order to block a rollup attempt on Well. That was pretty slick. Also Lawler puts over an upcoming “Memory Lane” match with Andre & Chief Jay Strongbow & Billy White Wolf v. The Executioners from MSG, which is coming up on All-American Wrestling. I actually reviewed that match on the Network fairly recently, oddly enough. The Wipple-Men triple team Billy, but Dunn goes up with a missile dropkick and Billy dropkicks him on the way down to set up the hot tag to Adam Bomb. Bomb with a sideslam on Dunn and he goes up with a flying clothesline for two. Everyone brawls and Vince declares it a DONNYBROOK, allowing Bomb to finish Dunn with the Meltdown at 5:09. I’m not going to take the 3 seconds to actually check on the answer myself, obviously, because that’s what you lot are for, but I’m assuming that some indie guy has named themselves Donny Brook at some point, right?
Meanwhile, we review the hilarious Leslie Nielsen pizza commercial investigations.
IRS & Bam Bam Bigelow v. Sonny Rodgers & Tom Stone
I’m assuming CM Punk has never seen Tom Stone either. High five! Anyone? OK, moving on. Tom slugs away on Bam Bam like some kind of famous boxer that I can’t put my finger on, but Bigelow takes him out anyway and it’s over to Rodgers, who walks into a double clothesline from the Corporation. Bam Bam with a double underhook backbreaker and a senton for the pin at 1:56. Well good luck to them in their tag team title match at Summerslam against the Headshrinkers!
Meanwhile, Paul Bearer is randomly digging a grave in the middle of night, as normal people do. I’ll give him credit, I’m usually too lazy to even put away my laundry after work, and this dude is out there digging an actual grave for dramatic effect. You can’t knock the hustle.
SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH TODD!
Bret Hart offers his rebuttal to his brother’s promo, which he declares his first title defense in a cage match. Oh I’m gonna have to fact check him on that one. And yeah…he’s telling the truth. But also, holy cow he wrestled Owen Hart a lot in 1994. No wonder they burned out the feud. Oh also we get a promo from Alundra Blayze and…that’s a thing that happened. I guarantee no one was bugging her for autographs in the airport after that one. “When the Blayze comes at you from behind, you’re gonna feel the heat!” I’m pretty sure I could get ChatGPT to write a better promo tagline for her than THAT. Here’s a few attempts:
“Feel the heat, feel the fury – it’s Alundra Blayze time!”
“When the heat is on, Alundra Blayze brings the fire!”
“Feel the heat, watch me blaze through the competition!”
OK, well, AI-based wrestling promo scripting isn’t an exact science yet. While we’re at it, let’s see what ChatGPT thinks would happen if Alundra got confronted by a totally reasonable request for some autographs at the airport:
Alundra Blayze, the legendary female wrestler, was at the airport waiting for her flight when a man approached her. He was holding a stack of papers and a pen, and he had a wide grin on his face.
“Excuse me, Alundra Blayze, can you sign these autographs for me?” he said, shoving the papers in front of her.
Alundra was taken aback by the man’s abruptness, but she quickly regained her composure. She recognized the fan’s eagerness and enthusiasm, and she knew how important fans were to her career.
“Of course,” she replied with a smile. “I’d be happy to sign them for you.”
The man grinned even wider and handed her the stack of papers. Alundra started signing them one by one, taking her time to make each one personalized and unique. The man was watching her intently, and he seemed to be pleased with each signature.
As she signed the last paper, Alundra looked up and noticed that a small crowd had gathered around them. Other fans were taking pictures and videos, and some were even asking for autographs of their own.
Alundra didn’t mind. She loved connecting with her fans, and she was happy to spend a few moments with them. She took the time to chat with them, answer their questions, and even take a few selfies with them.
Before she knew it, it was time for Alundra to catch her flight. She said goodbye to her fans and thanked them for their support. As she walked away, she heard the man she had signed the autographs for shout out to her.
“Thank you, Alundra Blayze! You’re the best!”
Alundra turned around and smiled. “No, you’re the best,” she replied. “Thank you for your support.”
As she boarded her plane, Alundra felt grateful for the encounter. She realized that her fans were more than just supporters, they were a part of her journey. And meeting them was always a reminder of why she loved wrestling and why she would always do her best for them.
SEE? Even the damn computer gets it. It’s totally normal behavior, and these wrestlers need to stop threatening innocent people with restraining orders when they’re just trying to show their appreciation and augment their website income a little bit through resale value of merchandise. I mean, I assume that’s why these hypothetical people are doing it. I wouldn’t know.
Tatanka v. Todd Becker
Becker slugs away on Tatanka to start, but makes the mistake of ramming him into the turnbuckle, triggering a wardance right away as Tatanka polishes him off with the Papoose to Go at 1:00. Vince promises that on the Sunday Night Slam, he and Jerry Lawler will be taking calls and interacting with fans. Sounds dreadful.
And then, finally, at the end of the show and two months after it happened, they finally acknowledge the death of Joey Marella and give him a nice video tribute. Oddly, they still don’t acknowledge him as the son of Gorilla Monsoon. Hopefully Brian Solomon will blow this conspiracy WIDE OPEN in his upcoming book about the Gorilla and reveal the truth to the world.
Next time: I’m done with this show. For real this time.