The SmarK Rant for WCW Clash of the Champions XIV – 01.30.91
(Unfortunately I got called into work late yesterday, so I’m not able to review Dynamite until sometime on Thursday. However, our continuing journey through 1991 WCW gives us the next best thing…)
“DIXIE DYNAMITE!”
Live from Gainesville, GA, drawing 2200 and a 3.9 rating, after concerns about the Gulf War moved it away from the atrium of CNN Center. The crowd looks tiny but you can’t hold that against them too harshly given the abrupt move. And the tickets were priced at $5 each just to make sure the show was sold out, so everyone was happy in the end.
Your hosts are Jim Ross & THE AMERICAN DREAM, DADDY, fresh off the Royal Rumble loss.
Gary Michael Capetta asks the crowd to stand up and join in singing the national anthem, at which point they play a version on trumpets without anyone actually singing it.
Doom v. Sting & Lex Luger
This is a non-title match for some reason. Teddy Long is not here tonight and Dusty thinks he’s out buying condos and propery, which might signal a changing of the guard and new tag team champions! Well except it’s not for the tag team titles, but the man is EXCITED to be back in WCW. Reed overpowers Sting and beats on him with forearms, but Sting comes back with dropkicks and Dusty is all LET’S SCORE A TOUCHDOWN AND GO FOR THE LONG BOMB, BABY. The only long bomb was coming up in March for the other guys, Dream. Lex hits Reed with a neckbreaker and it’s over to Simmons and they trade shoulderblocks, which Ron wins. So Lex comes back with clotheslines and his own shoulderblocks and a suplex for two. Ron catches him with a stungun and Reed necks him on the top rope as we take a break. Back with Doom continuing to work Lex over, and Simmons gets a powerslam for two. Lex fights up and Reed cuts him off again and puts him down with a dropkick to counter Lex’s weak-ass punches. We hit the chinlock just to make this match a little bit more disappointing, and Simmons gets some choking on the ropes. Luger finally comes back with a facebuster, but Reed hits him with a flying shoulderblock. And then Lex goes back to his own corner on the sell, and it’s hot tag Sting. But this brings Dan Spivey out to immediately attack Luger while the ref does NOTHING, and Spivey beats on him outside before walking off with no consequences. Sting meanwhile fights off Doom by himself and the ref is bumped, so Reed throws Sting over the top rope and the ref revives and sees it for the DQ at 10:50. They could not have made that finish any more needlessly convoluted if they had tried. A major, MAJOR disappointment. Luger in particular looked terrible here and the match never got going. *1/2.
Meanwhile, Missy Hyatt reveals the winner of the WCW’s Sexiest Wrestler contest: THE Z-MAN!
WCW World TV title: Tom Zenk v. Bobby Eaton
Instead of music, Eaton has piped-in “Bobby” chants, which you can actually hear the director counting down before they start. Zenk is of course introduced as the World TV champion and SEXIEST WRESTLER IN WCW, although he had lost both titles to Arn Anderson at a TV taping two weeks previous. But the rule is that it doesn’t count until it airs, so Zenk is still the sexiest. FOR NOW. Eaton works a headlock on Zenk and Tom reverses to a wristlock and takes Bobby down with an armdrag. Dusty, by the way, can sympathize with the issue of maybe being too sexy to the women, just like Zenk. Tom dropkicks Eaton out of the ring and Dusty of course has to remind us that he too was TV champion years ago. Dusty predicts that Eaton needs to throw hands, and Bobby does indeed tag Zenk with a right and Dusty excitedly declares “I called it! Someone give me the pencil!” Yeah they did, that was kind of the problem. Eaton runs him into the turnbuckle a few times while Dusty relates a story about being beaten by his mother in a similar fashion, but Eaton goes up and Zenk slams him off the top. Zenk with a backdrop out of the corner for two. Eaton catches him with an elbow out of the corner and goes up with a flying kneedrop, but Zenk cradles for two. Eaton catches him with the neckbreaker for two, but Zenk rolls him up for two. Backslide gets the pin at 7:07 to retain, although Bobby seemingly had his shoulders up. A solid match that felt a bit rushed at the end. ***.
Meanwhile, Alexandra York announces that she’s found the replacement for Michael Wallstreet.
The Freebirds v. Tommy Rich & Allan Iron Eagle
I had thought this was supposed to be Freebirds v. Trucker Norman and someone else, at least according to the scattershot buildup on TV. Rich runs wild on the Freebirds to start and then brings in Iron Eagle, who slugs away on Garvin in the corner. But then he gets caught in the corner and takes a ridiculous phantom bump off of something that might have been Garvin trying a clothesline, I dunno. Hayes goes to the chinlock on Iron Eagle, who is a complete goof that I hope never appears on WCW TV again, even in the unlikely event that he disappears for 6 years and then returns with a completely different gimmick and ethnicity. Allan takes a bad bump to the floor and gets double-teamed by the Birds out there, and back in Garvin misses a blind charge. So Iron Eagle tries to slingshot Hayes into the ring, but Hayes takes the bump before Iron Eagle even moves the ropes, just to make this even more embarrassing. Rich comes in but the ref misses the tag, and the Freebirds thankfully finish this Iron Eagle goof with the double DDT at 5:50. “Turn out the lights in the teepee!” notes JR. I don’t even know where to start with that one. This one was of course also famous for Iron Eagle taking the dreaded left hand from Michael Hayes at one point and then forgetting to sell it, which resulted in the Birds roughing him up a bit from then on. Just a complete mess of a match and Iron Eagle is the worst and I will never change my opinion on him in a million years. 1/2*.
Meanwhile, the PPV is next month. True story: It was originally called “Duel in the Desert” because it was in Phoenix, but Turner thought that would be offensive given the Iraq situation, so they changed it to WrestleWar featuring WarGames. Really dodged a bullet there.
Paul E. Dangerously joins Tony to hype up his arm wrestling contest with Missy later tonight, but Dusty accuses him of being “playing for the other side” based on his workout. Does he mean Paul was working for the WWF? I’m confused.
Sid Vicious v. Jumpin Joey Maggs
Thankfully Sid has ditched the straps and gone back to his classic trunks here. Pretty sure Sid was supposed to facing someone else here as well and that got switched. Sid puts him down with a clothesline and then finishes with the powerbomb at 1:10.
Sid Vicious joins Tony for a promo after his match, and his point is that everyone is afraid of being stretchered out, and his goal in 1991 is to rule the world. I’ve heard everybody wants that.
Ricky Morton v. Terry Taylor
Yes, another classic WCW moment, as Capetta introduces Taylor as “The Computerized Man of the 1990s” BEFORE his heel turn later in the match. The announcers just pretend that one didn’t happen. They trade wristlocks while the announcers discuss the impending World Six-Man title tournament, with the leading team apparently being Ricky Morton, Tommy Rich and Junkyard Dog. Can’t understand why that title didn’t last. Morton works a headlock on the mat while Dusty relates another story of hilarious abuse from his mother for sleeping until 10:00AM. Morton backdrops Taylor and he bails to the floor as we take a break. Back with Taylor working a hammerlock, but Morton takes him down and gets an armbar. But then Alexandra York joins us at ringside and then does an inset promo revealing that Taylor is the newest member of the York Foundation, at which point Taylor is suddenly a heel and he drops a knee on Morton for two. So then he rakes the eyes and chokes him out on the ropes as this may be one of the weirdest heel turns ever, done mid-match via inset promo by someone else. Taylor goes up and misses a pump splash as Dusty speculates that the computer should have said “DO NOT GO UP TO THE TOP OR YOU GONNA GET YA BELLY HIT ON TWO BIG OLD BONY KNEES”. That would indeed be a useful prediction for it to make. Ricky with a suplex for two and he comes back with a dropkick, but misses a leg lariat and Taylor pins him at 11:30. An OK match. **1/2
Meanwhile, they’re apparently letting women WRESTLE in Japan now?
Meanwhile, Bill Apter presents Sting with the PWI Wrestler of the Year award, although Jim Ross makes sure to note that Dusty also won it several times himself. And then we get more from Dusty, who doesn’t want to hear anyone talking bad about the President!
Ranger Ross v. El Cubano
El Cubano was of course WCW’s wildly unsuccessful attempt to duplicate the lucha libre influence of Konnan, as they introduced the character as their own Mexican wrestling star and even imported one of his questionable 70s exploitation movies, “El Cubano and Dracula Against The Martians of Harlem”. Here’s a rundown from IMDB:
“El Cubano and Dracula against the Martians of Harlem” is a thrilling and action-packed exploitation film set in 1977. The movie follows the adventures of two unlikely heroes, El Cubano and Dracula, as they team up to save their neighborhood from an alien invasion.
The story begins when strange objects begin falling from the sky in Harlem, New York. As the objects start to move, it becomes clear that they are actually Martians invading Earth. El Cubano, a streetwise hustler with a quick wit and a fast tongue, teams up with Dracula, a charismatic and powerful vampire, to save their community from the alien threat.
As the Martians begin to take over the streets, El Cubano and Dracula band together with a group of local fighters to take on the alien menace. Along the way, they discover that the Martians are after a powerful artifact hidden in Harlem, and that the fate of the entire world may rest in their hands.
In a series of thrilling battles and showdowns, El Cubano, Dracula, and their allies fight off waves of Martian invaders, using their unique skills and abilities to overcome their foes. As the climax approaches, they launch a daring attack on the Martian mothership, hoping to destroy the alien leader and save the day.
In the final battle, El Cubano and Dracula face off against the Martian leader in a brutal fight to the death. With their combined strength, cunning, and wit, they are able to defeat the alien leader and save the world from destruction.
As the movie ends, El Cubano and Dracula stand victorious, having saved their community and the entire planet from the Martian threat. They exchange a knowing glance, and with a nod, they part ways, knowing that they will always be ready to fight for their neighborhood and their world.
WCW paid $250,000 for the rights to the movie and released it theatrically in only one city, Portland, where it was only viewed by 2 people who had happened to fall asleep in the theater and no one noticed them there. They later wrote and directed “Ready to Rumble”.
Cubano attacks to start, but the Ranger slams him and dropkicks him to the floor. Back in, Ross works the arm while the crowd is silent, apparently unaware of Cubano’s history as a legendary luchador in Mexico. He goes up with the flying splash, but Ross somehow avoids it and comes back with kicks to put Cubano on the floor. Back in the ring with a sunset flip from Ross for the pin at 3:00. No wonder Cubano’s movie bombed. *
Arn Anderson & Barry Windham v. The Renegade Warriors
The Warriors chase the Horsemen out of the ring and then slingshot Barry back into the ring, before Chris chops away on WCW’S SEXIEST WRESTLER, Arn Anderson. Sorry, it hasn’t aired on TV yet, I forgot. Arn goes for a spinning toehold and Chris shoves him off into the corner for two to escape. Over to Barry, but Chris dropkicks him into the corner and so Barry gets frustrated and boots him down to take over. But then Arn comes in and the Warriors double-team him in the corner until Chris walks into the spinebuster. Windham with a floatover suplex for two off that. DDT gets two. Arn goes to a facelock and Dusty suggests putting your wife into the hold at home and seeing how long it takes for her to “go down like a shotgun.” JR: “….yeah.” Dusty: “I mean we don’t literally want to do that because we love them and can’t live without them.” Hot tag Mark and he chops the Horsemen as it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, and Windham hits Mark with a lariat and finishes him off with a superplex at 7:30. The Horsemen were getting into a good groove as a heel team so of course they were immediately split up and went in different directions after this. ***1/4.
Meanwhile, in some made up place called “The Tokyo Dome”, Stan Hansen fights Big Van Vader. And they’ll rematch at WrestleWar 91. This brings out Hansen to do a promo about how the fans don’t appreciate action like that because they want “pretty boys who paint their faces”. He’s got a solid point.
Brian Pillman v. Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker
Well this is certainly a bit of a downgrade from challenging for the World title like was originally advertised for him. Pillman flips out of a wristlock and dropkicks Parker down while the announcers discuss Pillman’s former football coach Kim Wood. And of course Wood later ended up as the guy who masterminded the Loose Cannon character for Pillman. Brian puts Buddy on the floor with a headscissors and then works the arm back in the ring, but Parker dumps to the apron and then slingshots him back in. Pillman lands on his feet in a neat twist, but Parker beats him down and goes to yell at the crowd on the ramp. So Pillman dives off the top to hit him out there, and then back in the ring for a flying bodypress to finish at 3:18. Good squash for Pillman. *1/2. Also Dusty marking out for Brian Pillman’s highspots was great, which makes it all the more weird that Dusty switched the main event since he clearly liked Pillman.
Arm Wrestling Showdown: Paul E. Dangerously v. Missy Hyatt
Of course the payoff is obvious and hilarious, as Dangerously is freaking out and demanding that Missy face him, so she takes off her jacket and reveals cleavage that shocks Paul so much that she beats him in half a second. Dumb but exactly what it should have been.
WCW World title: Ric Flair v. Scott Steiner
Flair with his usual stalling to evade Steiner, but Scott hits him with a tilt a whirl slam for two and Ric bails to think it over. Back in the ring, Flair hits him with chops, but Scott puts him down with armdrags. Flair tries a hammerlock and Scott reverses that on him and Flair bails to the floor again. Back in, Scott hits him with a clothesline and Flair heads out to the ramp. Back in, Scott slugs away in the corner, but Flair takes him down with an atomic drop. Later we would learn that a move like that would never work on Scott in real life due to his gigantic genitalia but it was 1991 and he were blessedly ignorant of all the details of his sex life. Flair blocks a blind charge and gets two in the corner, but Rick stooges Flair to the ref to break up the pin. We take a break and return with Scott making a comeback with a drop toehold and a figure-four. Flair makes the ropes and comes back with a bodypress, which puts both guys on the floor. Scott took a second to react to the move and ended up throwing himself over the top. Flair with a kneebreaker on the floor as we have 10 minutes of TV time remaining.
Back in the ring, Flair goes to work on the knee with the usual stuff. Man, every time I watch this match I think “Yes, this is the time it’s going to be good!” and I’m disappointed every time. Like, I’ve seen Flair have multiple ****1/2 matches with LEX LUGER for god’s sake. Scott could have just plugged himself into the Luger role and done all the same stuff and had a classic. Flair with the figure-four and uses the ropes while Rick stupidly distracts the ref by accident. And Scott makes the ropes, so Flair drops him with a back suplex and reapplies the figure-four in the middle of the ring. Scott powers out of that and sends Ric to the floor with a Flair Flip, and we get a Flair Flop right beside Dusty on the floor. Back in the ring, Scott puts him on the floor with a clothesline over the top, but that’s apparently not a DQ. Back in, Flair drops a knee on him for two and they do the reversal stuff with time running out. Flair bails and tries to run out the clock, but Rick throws him back in and Scott hits a Steinerline and slugs away in the corner. Ric with a Flair Flip and he comes off the top, but Scott catches him with a shot on the way down and time expires at 24:43. Still a huge disappointment and Scott seemed kind of lost out there. **1/2. Now, there’s also the view (from Scott) that Flair was sandbagging him, which is certainly possible as well. But it really looked to me like Scott was having trouble moving from tag team to singles at this point. Either way, Scott was sure bitter about it for a long time afterwards.
Well, this show was certainly not the craziest thing happening in the world at that point, but it ended up being one of the lowest rated Clashes. Not an encouraging start for the reign of the Dream in 1991! I wouldn’t quite call it a thumbs down because the Horsemen match was good and the Taylor match was OK, but it’s definitely not a recommendation. Track down the El Cubano movie instead on YouTube.