The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Battle of the WWF Superstars
Today Macbook fact of the day: Holding down “Fn” with the delete key makes it function like a Windows delete key. I am literally learning new things every day.
Hey, who DOESN’T want to watch WWF Superstars battling?
Released in 1990.
Hosted by First Lieutenant Sean Mooney, with a military cosplay theme this time.
The Bushwhackers v. Rhythm & Blues
From MSG, April 1990. The Whackers clear the ring and work on Honky’s arm in the corner, and Luke bites the arm to hold him there. Man, after watching The Last of Us this weekend that takes on a whole new meaning. Butch MESSES UP THE HAIR and Honky has no choice but to retreat from that abuse and tag in Valentine. So Butch stops to call Valentine a “greaseball” and the heels threaten to leave and stall for a while, clearly upset by the bullying tactics of these two. Greg gives us some dancing, but the Whackers double-team him and clear the ring again as this is already flirting with Worst Match of the Decade honors for the 90s. Luke beats on Greg with clubbing forearms, but finally Valentine rakes Butch’s face and R&B take over. But then Honky and Valentine collide on a wacky criss-cross sequence and Valentine has to cheat and take out Luke behind the ref’s back to take over again. Greg with a backbreaker for two and the crowd is DEAD. Honky with a chinlock, but the Bushwhackers make the comeback and then Luke grabs a chair and chases Honky to the back, but he’s the legal man so he’s counted out at 13:00. An ABYSMAL opener. -**
OK tape, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but I’m gonna need you get better right away or I’m out of here.
WWF Intercontinental title tournament finals: Mr. Perfect v. Tito Santana
OK, that’s more like it. I think this was on another Coliseum release but I’ll take it. Of course this was the epitome of lazy tournament booking, as they filmed the finals here at a Superstars taping before they even finished taping all of the previous rounds and then just assembled it in post-production. Tito grabs a headlock to start and Perfect reverses him to a drop toehold and they trade hammerlocks. Tito with a dropkick and a slingshot clothesline for two, and he goes to work on the arm. But he gets tripped on a criss cross and bumps to the floor, allowing Perfect to beat him down on the floor. Back in the ring, Perfect puts the boots to him as this is surprisingly dull stuff, but Tito fights back with a sunset flip for two. Perfect clotheslines him to the floor, but Tito trips him up and wraps the knee around the post, then goes to work on that. This brings Bobby Heenan down to ringside, and Perfect cradles Tito for two off that distraction. Tito goes after the Brain, and Perfect gets another cradle and wins the title at 7:02. Their rematch on SNME was worlds better. **. Also of note, they didn’t even have the IC title here for whatever reason, and Perfect had to pretend like a tag team title was the IC belt.
Dusty Rhodes gets the Coliseum Video profile this month.
Dusty Rhodes v. Akeem
From MSG, February 1990. Despite Akeem’s goofy gimmick reportedly being created as a rib on Dusty, they only had three matches in the WWF. I mean, I’m not COMPLAINING, but it’s just curious. Akeem beats on Dusty in the corner, but walks into a bionic elbow and does some shucking and jiving on the way down. Akeem falls into the ropes and Dusty gets some shots there, but Akeem pounds him down and goes to the shoulder massage. Dusty fights out of that, so Akeem beats on him down on the floor and goes back to it again, and then switches to a bearhug to really ramp up the excitement. Dusty slugs out of that while Sapphire jerks Slick off…of the apron. Get your mind out of the gutter. Akeem and Dusty fight on the floor and Slick hits Akeem by mistake, and Dusty beats the count at 9:05. Given Akeem was basically doing the farewell jobbing tour for all of 1990 I don’t know why they didn’t get put Dusty over here. ½*
Meanwhile, we bump into Dusty at the Americana Butcher Shop, as he walks around the back without a shirt on and fondles some meat, leading to the “You can’t beat my meat” payoff.
Dusty Rhodes v. Big Bossman
It’s a Challenge dark match now, December 1989. Bossman beats on him with forearms, but Dusty puts him down with the Flip Flop & Fly, so Bossman immediately goes to a neck vice to slow down this flurry of Dusty offense. Dusty fights back with an elbow out of the corner, and Slick quickly runs in for the DQ at 2:55. Wow that was barely even a match. DUD. And then he handcuffs himself to Slick while wearing the police hat and threatens to beat him with the nightstick, which is certainly an image that didn’t age well.
Meanwhile, Dusty shovels shit in a stable and lets us know that “Doo doo is good for you”.
Dusty Rhodes v. Macho King Randy Savage
Another dark match here, from Superstars this time, April 1990. Savage attacks at the bell while Sapphire makes a nuisance of herself, so Dusty has to save her and fight off Savage and Sherri by himself. Was there any more useless manager than Sapphire? She added nothing for Dusty and was constantly hindering his matches. Dusty hangs Savage in the Tree of Woe and then tosses him over the top rope, but then another referee runs in and reverses the decision! Sorry, wrong promotion. Back in, Savage gets the double axehandle for two. Macho takes over with a chinlock and Dusty fights out of that, but runs into Savage’s knee. Dusty bails to the floor to catch his breath after the hectic (*checks watch*) two minutes of action thus far, and Savage attacks him out there and puts the boots to him. Back in the ring, Savage gets two off that. Savage hits him with the bell for two while the ref is distracted by Sherri, but they collide for a double down and Sherri throws in the purse. Sapphire steals it and Dusty hits Savage with that and wins by countout at 7:10. These are some epic bad finishes. * And then Dusty calls Sherri a “trash street walker” and challenges her to come get a piece of Sapphire, which results in Sherri bumping off the apron while Sapphire dances.
God we’re only halfway through this tape.
The Genius v. Jim Neidhart
Back to MSG, January 1990. Genius does some stretching and stalling and cartwheels and then writes some complex math equations in the air like he’s in a Beautiful Mind. This still results in Neidhart shoving him down, so Genius bails to the floor and makes the fatal error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence. No wonder he lost all the time, he did that in EVERY MATCH. Neidhart gives chase for a bit, and Genius catches him with some shots on the way into the ring and then rakes the eyes and slugs away in the corner. Anvil with a crossbody for two, and Genius rakes the eyes again and slugs away in the corner. Anvil takes him down with an atomic drop, but Genius slams him and goes up with a moonsault, which misses. Anvil with some hair tosses, but he misses a blind charge and Genius runs away to lure him into a foot race. This allows Mr. Perfect to blindside Anvil out of nowhere and Genius gets the pin at 9:24. Hey, Genius used Anvil’s own stupidity against him and we get a pinfall finish, I’ll take it. *1/2.
Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase
From MSG, as it’s a no DQ match with Virgil barred from ringside. I presume that means they’ll book a countout finish instead. So I don’t know that we ever got confirmation on who came up with the “Winter residence” gag for Dibiase, but that 100% feels like Vince getting some snarky revenge on the Connecticut money who wouldn’t accept him. Ted attacks at the bell and quickly gets chased to the floor. Back in, Jake goes to work on the arm with a hammerlock on the mat. Once again, it boggles my mind that two people who spent so much time coming up together in Mid-South and spent a year feuding with each other in the WWF would have ZERO chemistry together in the ring. Dibiase reverses him to a wristlock, but Jake drops knees on the arm and continues wringing the arm. Dibiase slugs him down, but Jake hangs onto wrist control and pulls Dibiase down from his back. Ted escapes again and Jake lands in the ropes and gets tied up, allowing Dibiase to take over. Dibiase pounds away as the MSG crowd is turning on the match already, only 10 minutes into a boring Dibiase-Jake match. Usually it takes them a good 15 minutes to really get warmed up and bore the crowd! Dibiase with a neckbreaker and he drops knees on the neck and follows with a piledriver for two. Dibiase with the chinlock and that goes on for a while, as Jake fights up and Dibiase puts him down again with a clothesline. Back to the chinlock, but Dibiase just gets tired of doing it apparently and lets go, then goes up and misses the double axehandle. Jake finally makes a comeback at 15:00 into the match, but he runs into a knee in the corner. This sets up the Million Dollar Dream, but Jake falls into the ropes to break and retreats to the floor. Back in, Jake hits the DDT out of nowhere and gets the pin at 18:37. A complete bore. *1/2
WWF Trivia Test!
- What was the first match in the first Wrestlemania?
- Who sang the national anthem in the first Wrestlemania?
- How much weight did Dino Bravo bench press to win “World’s Strongest Man”?
- What 3 cities hosted Wrestlemania 2?
- Who were the female co-hosts in each city for WM2?
- What was the record-setting attendance at the Silverdome for WM3?
- What is the name of Sean Mooney’s identical twin brother?
- Who did Macho Man defeat for the WWF title at WM4?
- Who returned to the WWF at WM5 as a part of the Brother Love Show?
- What military rank did Coliseum Video give to Sean Mooney for this tape?
I expect everyone to score 10/10 on these.
WWF title: The Ultimate Warrior v. Mr. Perfect
A dark match from May 90 here, with both guys newly crowned champions. Warrior immediately shrugs off an attack and chases Perfect to the floor, and then hauls him back in and tosses him right back over the top. They fight on the floor and back in for a messy backdrop attempt by Warrior that turns into a faceplant instead, and Warrior misses a splash to put Perfect in control. Perfect takes him to the floor and beats on Warrior with the WWF title belt, as Warrior has already debuted a weird teal-colored strap for the belt. Back in the ring, Perfect slugs away and Warrior is ROIDING UP, so Perfect goes up with an axehandle to put him down and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX. Warrior kicks out of that and does his stuff and pins him to retain at 5:51. Warrior looked like he could barely be bothered to go out there work the 5 minute match here. *
And yeah, that’s the tape. This was like an all-time bad entry into the Coliseum Video library, with nothing I’d even classify as “good” outside of maybe the Perfect-Tito title match. But hey, that’s the risk you run with these.