The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2023 – 01.28.23
Live from San Antonio, TX
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Corey Graves and surprise guest Pat McAfee
Royal Rumble:
And we kick it off with the men this year. Gunther is #1 and as usual they mention that only three people have ever won from that position, but don’t mention who those people are. Sheamus is #2 and that’s quite the pairing to start. So they play Demolition and slug it out, and Sheamus gets the backbreaker as they fight on the ropes. The Miz is #3 at 1:30 and he distracts Sheamus long enough for Gunther to get him to the apron, but Miz can’t pull him out. Corey: “Miz trying for Wrestlemania in his hometown of Hollywood!” Pat: “He’s from Ohio.” Kofi Kingston is #4 at 3:20 and hopefully he doesn’t mess up his big spot this year. He storms in and cleans house on the other three with Boom Drops and everyone slugs it out. Johnny Gargano is #5 at 5:00. He doesn’t seem like he’s done much of note since getting called up. He comes in with the One Final Beat DDT on Miz and throws him to the apron, but Sheamus wants the honor of beating on him with the forearms, and Miz is out at 6:55 for the first elimination.
Xavier Woods is #6 at 7:20 and they double-team Gunther and Gargano and then decide to do some wacky stuff with each other. Karrion Kross is #7 at 9:00 and it’ll probably be time for the next person by the time he makes it to the ring. Kross gets some suplexes and the crowd doesn’t really care about him. Chad Gable is #8 at 11:20 and he shooshes everyone and does some amateur wrestling with Woods in a cool little spot. Drew McIntyre is #9 at 13:00 and he runs wild and dropkicks Kross out at 14:04 while the announcers skirt the issue of the “Banger Bros” tag team name. How the hell did no one seriously know about that before they pitched it? Santos Escobar is #10 at 15:00. He reminds me a lot of that King Cuerno guy from the last episode of Lucha Underground that I reviewed. Sheamus immediately traps him on the apron, but Santos escapes and comes in with a high cross on Gable as the Banger Bros double-team Chad afterwards.
Angelo Dawkins is #11 at 17:00 as the star power starts to wane a bit and the New Day save each other on the apron until Gunther boots out Woods at 18:00. Gunther throws out Kofi as well, but one of his feet lands on a chair, which might be his wacky elimination for the year. Brock Lesnar is #12 at 19:02 so that takes care of the star power and the deadwood. Well played, HHH. It’s Suplex City and Santos is out at 20:14. Dawkins at 20:20. Gable at 20:25. We get the showdown with Gunther, which has to be a Wrestlemania match now. Bobby Lashley is #13 at 21:15 while Brock suplexes Gunther around, but Bobby spears Brock and everyone else and then clotheslines him out at 22:18! Did not see that one coming. Brock doesn’t take it well. Baron Corbin is #14 at 23:00 while Brock destroys the desk and then he takes out Corbin on the way out. Yeah that’s a shame. Seth Rollins is #15 at 24:45 for our first potential winner, albeit a longshot. He finally throws Corbin into the ring and then throws him out at 26:00 for a gimme. Might as well pad the record.
Otis is #16 at 26:37 and gets a few shots in but otherwise nothing notable. Rey Mysterio is #17 at 28:00 but he appears to be missing. And Seth manages to put Lashley out at 28:55 while escaping the full nelson. Otis with the Caterpillar on Gunther, and Dominick Mysterio is #18 at 29:55, while the Banger Bros throw out Otis at 30:00. Anyway, Dom has his dad’s mask, luckily able to escape the hoosgow on bail in time for the Rumble. Hopefully he doesn’t shank the other competitors. I know prison makes you hard, I’ve seen 60 Days In on A&E. Dom finally gets into the ring and goes after Sheamus to no effect, and Elias is #19. I’d ask how they resolved the Ezekial stuff but I don’t really care. I’m just glad he managed to grow the beard back again. He immediately gets beat up by the Banger Bros as I strive to use that name as much as possible, and they toss him out like trash at 33:31. Finn Balor is #20 at 33:54 and he gets some stuff in as Gargano reminds us that he still exists after doing nothing for the whole match. Dom puts Gargano to the apron, but can’t put him out, so Balor finishes the job at 35:33.
Booker T is our first cameo at #21 at 36:00 and Michael Cole is still bitter about getting thrown out by him years ago. Booker gets his usual stuff in, albeit slowly, and Gunther throws him out at 37:22. Which is the right usage of him. Damian Priest is #22 at 37:50 and Judgment Day dominates everyone for a bit. Montez Ford is #23 at 39:30 as we still don’t have any realistic winners in there yet. Ford goes after the JD and skins the cat after getting thrown out by Balor, but Priest quickly throws him out at 40:45. Well that was kind of a waste. Edge is #24 at 41:11 and I’m sure we know where he’s going. He hits them all with spears, and throws out Priest at 42:09, Balor at 42:10, and then spares Dominick so he can have a showdown with Rollins instead. But that allows Priest and Balor to pull Edge out at 42:58 and eliminate him. Well that was another waste.
Austin Theory is #25 at 43:35, but Edge is busy brawling with the Judgment Day at the entrance, which leads into a Rhea v. Beth showdown. Omos is #26 at 45:30 after all that and the Banger Bros take a shot and get laid out by him. Gunther takes a shot and gets chokeslammed. Braun Strowman is #27 at 47:29 and I don’t see him winning despite having the magic number. Braun and Omos slug it out and Braun clotheslines him out at 49:00 and that’s that. Ricochet is #28 at 50:20 in a waste of a high slot. We don’t really need more cannon fodder this late. The Banger Bros double-team Braun onto the apron, but can’t get him out, and then Sheamus has to save Drew from Gunther. Why would he do that? Doesn’t matter, as Gunther puts out both Banger Bros at 52:43 by himself. Logan Paul is the other cameo at #29 at 53:05. So Sami Zayn isn’t even in the match? Well that sucks. I guess that’s one way to make sure the crowd doesn’t turn on Cody winning. And the crowd immediately turns on Logan anyway. Cody Rhodes is #30 at 55:30 and he’s literally the only one left who can win anyway.
Cody runs wild and hits Theory with the cutter and throws out Dom at 57:34. Braun cuts him off, and we get a wacky springboard showdown between Ricochet and Logan Paul, which I’m guessing is the reason why Ric was in there so late. Cody throws out Braun at 59:28 and Theory clotheslines Rick O’Shea out at 59:58.
Final Four: Cody Rhodes, Seth Rollins, Austin Theory & Gunther.
Seth stomps Theory and Cody puts him out at 60:44. Cody and Seth double-team Gunther and they both hit Pedigrees on him as Gunther sets the longevity record. Seth superkicks Cody into the corner, but Logan Paul reappears from wherever he was and throws Seth out at 63:29. I guess he wasn’t eliminated then. Cody gives him Crossroads and throws him out at 64:25. This leaves Cody and Gunther in the only meeting of #1 and #30 in Rumble history. They slug it out and Gunther chops him right in the exploding boob muscle, but charges and goes over the top. Gunther fights off the disaster kick on the apron and throws Cody to the apron in turn while stomping on the pec.
Cody fights to the top and Gunther goes after the pec again and brings him down with a superplex. But he’s DREAMING UP and comes back with the cutter, but can’t put Gunther over the top yet. So he regroups and goes after the leg instead before stealing the Shattered Dreams from his brother. And then Gunther powerbombs him and throws him out, but Cody hangs on, so Gunther puts him in the sleeper out there and Cody drags him out, forcing the break. Cody comes in off the top and Gunther chops him on the way down, but Cody hits the Crossroads and clotheslines him out at 71:42 to win the Royal Rumble.
Lot to unpack here. I’d call it a top level workmanlike Rumble, my favorite one since 2010, with not a huge amount of star power and an obvious winner, but it had all the hallmarks of a great one: A good pace, not a lot of deadwood piling up, and then what really put it over the top was an incredible all-time performance from Gunther and a tremendous final two. A fantastic start to the year and a worthy spotlight for Cody. There were a few slow spots but the ongoing Banger Bros vs. Gunther story and finish to the match were more than enough to make up for any flaws for the most part. ****1/2
Mountain Dew Pitch Black match: Bray Wyatt v. LA Knight
I feel like I’m going to be lost because we don’t have Pitch Black in Canada. Do I need to drink it to understand the storyline here? Is regular Mountain Dew enough? Because we do have that, but the formula is different in Canada so it doesn’t taste the same apparently. Has Bray actually wrestled since the White Rabbit stuff months ago? So the gimmick here is that the lights are dimmed and they wrestle with a black light. Good thing the Banger Bros weren’t in this one, if you smell what the Rock is cooking. Bray quickly sends him to the floor, but Knight runs him into the stairs. Bray sends him into the crowd, but Knight comes back in and they go through the announce table, , and there’s what appears to be beads all over the table to show off the green glow. This is so dumb.
Knight grabs a kendo stick, but Bray finishes him with Sister Abigail at 5:15. This is supposed to be Wyatt’s big babyface return? ½* We’ve gone from red lights in Fiend matches to black lights in Bray Wyatt matches and the gimmick still sucks. And then it CONTINUES as Bray grows a new mask on his face and chases Knight to the stage, where Uncle Howdy appears and jumps off the top of a set piece with an elbow and stuff explodes. The replay shows he didn’t even make contact, which is the least of the issues with this one. See, I was right about needing to drink Mountain Drew Pitch Black to understand what was going on. I’m assuming Pitch Black must have a shitload of LSD in it, then?
RAW Women’s title: Bianca Belair v. Alexa Bliss
They slug it out to start, but Alexa dropkicks her in the corner and puts the boots to her to take over. She chokes her on the ropes for one and goes to a chinlock for a while and then chokes Bianca out in the corner. Belair suplexes her and slugs away in the corner before doing her own choking. Moonsault misses, but she faceplants Bliss and gets the moonsault on the second try for two. Bliss with a DDT for two. Double knees gets two as this drags on. Belair hits the KOD for the pin to retain at 7:38 literally out of nowhere. This sucked. *
Women’s Royal Rumble:
Rhea Ripley is #1, still selling Beth’s spear from earlier. Liv Morgan is #2. Rhea boots Liv down right away, but Liv comes back with a backstabber. Dana Brooke is #3 at 1:30 and she tries handsprings on them both but gets caught by Rhea. Brooke with more gymnastics and she gets a superplex on Liv. Emma returns to PPV at #4 at 3:33 while Brooke and Rhea do an ugly botch. Emma runs wild for a bit and everyone goes after Rhea as Shayna Baszler is #5 at 5:00. Corey gets a quality rant about people saving other people from elimination in Rumbles, which I agree with 100%. Bayley is #6 at 6:28, but Liv hits her with the Oblivion on the way into the ring and tries to get her out. Bayley recovers and beats on Liv. B-Fab is #7 at 8:12 and she has giant puffy sleeves for some reason. It helps her get hangtime when Rhea throws her out at 9:05.
Roxanne Perez is #8 at 9:44 and she does some rolls out of the corner before everyone goes after Bayley. Dakota Kai is #9 at 11:20 and she saves Bayley but everyone gangs up on them because they’re JEALOUS. Anyway there’s already too much deadwood building up and we need a cleaner ASAP. Iyo Sky is #10 at 12:48. Bayley throws Dana out at 14:00 and then Kai kicks Emma out at 14:14. That will help. They team up and dropkick Perez out at 14:45.
Natalya is #11 at 15:00 and apparently she has an issue with Baszler. Well good luck with that. Not much going on and Candice LeRae is #12 at 16:45. Shayna quickly lays her out with a knee strike and we get the showdown with Nattie that we’ve all apparently been waiting for but didn’t know. Nattie puts her out at 18:30 and Shayna pulls Nattie out with her at 18:45 with the help of Damage Control. Zoey Stark is #13 at 19:00 and she hurls herself around the ring and squashes Rhea with a slingshot senton attempt that goes badly. Ouch.
Xia Li is #14 at 20:45 as the parade of bodies continues and even Cole calls it “the lull of the match”. The whole thing has been kind of a lull thus far. Candice gets pushed out by Damage Control at 22:20. Becky Lynch is #15 at 22:50 and she goes after Bayley, but gets thrown through the ropes and brawls with Damage Control out there by herself. Tegan Nox is #16 at 25:00 and hopefully she doesn’t tear a knee on the way to the ring. So no one cares about her while Corey riffs about Shining Wizards and namedrops “Mr. Muto”. Asuka is #17 at 26:29 with new music, or least music I haven’t heard yet. Thankfully this wakes up the crowd as she kicks Bayley’s ass, but can’t get her over the top rope. She does kick Tegan out at 28:47 in a lame elimination as Tegan basically put herself out.
Piper Niven is back to being herself at #18 at 29:15 as the announcer make “Doudrop” jokes. So Piper runs wild for a bit, and Tamina is #19 at 30:58. So we get the showdown between Piper and Tamina and Becky finally reappears from wherever she was on the floor. Chelsea Green is #20 at 32:44 and Rhea immediately throws her out at 33:32 before Pat can “even have a chance to make fun of her husband”. Becky throws out Iyo and Dakota at 34:00, but Bayley puts Becky out, and then Liv puts Bayley out at 34:14. That sure cleared up the ring.
Zelina Vega is #21 at 35:10 in what is apparently a Street Fighter VI crossover. I’d call that a crassly cynical move but we already sat through the Mountain Dew Pitch Black match so the bar was set pretty high for selling out. Vega and Xia do a martial arts showdown on the apron and I guess Xia is out at 36:49. Raquel Rodriguez is #22 at 37:12 and she throws everyone around with slams. Michin or Mia Yim or Whatever Her Name Is This Week is #23 at 38:58. Can they just decide what her damn name is already? Is it going to be a Mick Foley deal where Mia Yim gets eliminated and Michin comes out later?
Lacey Evans is #24 at 40:30 and I guess she’s been rebooted again and she’s back to being a Marine heel. Well you know what they say, 40th time is the charm. Maybe one of these times they’ll mix and match a combination that gets her over. Michelle McCool is #25 at 42:00 for the first cameo of the match, and she was sitting in the front row and is apparently surprised to be called into duty. She boots Tamina out at 43:14. Indi Hartwell is #26 at 43:52 as we continue with the filler that no one cares about. She actually is the first one to Point To Sign in this year’s match. YEAH OKAY.
Sonya Deville is #27 at 45:18, although I don’t know if it has the same power of the men’s match. Remember when she lost to Mandy Rose and retired? She sure got the last laugh on that one. She tosses out Zoey Stark at 46:00 and trades kicks with Asuka while the announcers riff on the Indi Hartwell NXT deal, and Lacey chokes Vega out of the match at 47:28. Shotzi is #28 at 47:45 and she manages not to botch anything on the way in, so that’s a positive step for her. Sonya throws out Indi at 48:58.
Nikki Cross is #29 at 49:24. So…we’re not even gonna pretend that anyone but Rhea Ripley is winning this thing, right? Nikki does nothing and then we get goddamned Nia Jax at #30 at 51:10. Oh no. Everyone thankfully gangs up on her like the covid virus on an anti-vaxxer, but she fights them off like MAGA fighting off facts and logic. And then Rhea slams her and hits the Riptide and everyone gets rid of her at 53:51 and good riddance. So that again leaves Rhea as the only choice. Raquel clotheslines Lacey off the apron and out at 55:04. Asuka takes Raquel down with an armbar, but Raquel puts her on the apron to escape. Asuka and Sonya fight out there and Asuka kicks Sonya out at 56:11. Rhea backdrops McCool out at 56:29. Mia Yim kicks Shotzi out at 56:52 and Piper throws her out right after.
Piper Niven cannonballs Raquel, but Raquel throws her out at 58:02. Raquel tries to put Rhea out, but Rhea boots her out at 58:20.
Final Four: Nikki Cross, Asuka, Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley
Liv boots Nikki off the apron at 58:51. Rhea and Liv work together against Asuka, but they turn on each other and fight to the apron. Asuka heads out there as well and slugs it out with Rhea, but she mists Liv and falls out at 60:31. So Liv is blinded by GREEN MIST, but manages to hit Rhea with a blind move before Rhea pulls her down and out to win at 61:14. Even Liv Morgan blinded by green mist could see that Rhea was the incredibly obvious winner the entire time. I mean, that’s fine, she was the one they should have went with, but this was a pretty mid Rumble to get her there. Thankfully nothing embarrassing like in some years with the women but just a parade of deadwood and NXT “stars”. ***
The musical guest gives me another chance to fast forward, and to give you can idea of how many commercials are stuffed into this thing, I started the show at the end of the men’s Rumble and managed to catch up to the live broadcast for the start of the main event.
WWE title: Roman Reigns v. Kevin Owens
Owens puts him down with a back elbow and senton to start, sending Roman to the floor with a cannonball. Back in, Roman with a Rock Bottom for two and he goes to the chinlock, but KO comes back for the slugfest as the crowd seems kinda burned out after four hours and two Rumbles. Once again, they either need to dramatically shorten one of them, or move one of them to another PPV. Owens clotheslines him to the floor and hits a frog splash off the apron, and back in for two. Roman comes back with the superman punch attempt, but KO catches him and suplexes him, only for Roman to get it on the rebound, for two. Roman tries the spear and hits the post, and KO goes up with the swanton for two.
Owens goes up again and tries the moonsault, but he slips on the ropes and crashes, and then tries it again and misses it like he was supposed to miss it, as Roman spears him for two. Owens tries the stunner and the ref is bumped, allowing Owens to get the visual pinfall off the powerbomb. Roman goes low and tells Sami to get him a chair, although Sami protests that Roman told him to do NOTHING. But then Sami finds one, and Owens hits a stunner for two anyway. Roman counters the powerbomb with another superman punch and spears him for two off that. KO bails to the floor and Sami tells him to stay down, but Roman spears Kevin through the railing and slams him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Roman spears him again to finish at 19:09. They took forever to get their shit together in this one, but once it turned into finisher spam it was all right. Definitely a disappointment compared to most of Roman’s big defenses, though. ***
Afterwards, the Bloodline hits the ring and is about to anoint Sami with his tribal lei, but first Roman demands further punishment of KO from his family. So the Usos smash a chair into his head in the corner and Paul Heyman produces handcuffs as we get some torture porn straight out of a Banger Bros video. Roman goes for the killshot, but Sami begs him off because KO has had enough. So Roman gives Sami the chair and demands one final show of loyalty instead of having to do “Jackass shit”. So Sami thinks it over and BOOM, turns on Roman to make his choice. And that goes badly for him. But then in another twist, Main Event Jey decides not to be part of this anymore and walks out, his heart finally thawed by Sami Zayn’s brotherhood. And we get the HEAVY HEAT beatdown on Sami as the crowd is fully not on board with this behavior from Roman and there’s no cool heel reaction to it as the faces are left definitively laid out to end the show.
I think the men’s Rumble makes it a thumbs up show for me automatically, although I wish they had gotten to the main event a lot sooner because I think it would have had a lot more impact if we weren’t already 4.5 hours into the show when it happened. But I enjoyed the show overall, especially speeding through all the numerous downtime between matches, and I’d call it an easy recommendation and a fun time.