The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 12.17.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 12.17.99

Taped from Richmond, VA

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “The ladies love me in Virginia because I’m always smooth up in ya” Gertner

The Impact Players have words for Chris Candido and Tammy Sytch in advance of the main event tonight and then do their stupid catchphrase and pose. Although I did laugh at Dawn Marie telling Tammy “you’ve been abusing yourself for years” because it’s damn true.

Meanwhile, Chris Chetti is tired of sitting in the back, but Nova warns him against ending up like Dynamite Kid or Shawn Michaels. Considering that he was recovering from a back injury, he probably WOULD want to end up like Shawn Michaels! Anyway, Chetti gets all paranoid about Nova’s new partner, Kid Cash, turning on him and then wonders if Cash is checking out his ass. But he’s flattered because his face “can turn a straight man gay”. Nova clarifies that Chetti got dropped on his head by Taz too many times in the school and the family is kind of crazy anyway. This was dumb but funny.

Tony DeVito v. New Jack

DeVito promises that the streets of Virginia now belong to DA BALDIES, but New Jack comes out and I guess defends the streets of Virginia from being taken over by them and we get the usual New Jack brawl. Of course with “Natural Born Killaz” overdubbed this is a mess to listen to, but he finishes quickly with El Kabong at 2:00. He totally stole that from Jeff Jarrett. New Jack goes to fork DeVito, but Da Baldies save their leader and beat New Jack down and then give him the ol’ staple gun to the ear. So sick of seeing that spot over and over. DUD

Back from the break, and Da Baldies are still looking for a fight, so this time Mike Awesome answers, also defending the streets of Virginia.

ECW World title: Mike Awesome v. Vic Grimes

Grimes quickly hits Awesome with a flying clothesline, but Mike drops him on his head with a german suplex and clotheslines him to the floor. Awesome follows with a bit of a half-assed dive and then dodges a charging Grimes, who bounces off the railing and lands on the floor. I feel like if Awesome had lived long enough, he would have been able to revive his career in Lucha Underground. Anyway a table gets set up and Awesome gives him a terrifying powerbomb off the apron and through the table, about six inches short of a tragedy on national TV. And that finishes back in the ring at 3:23. Grimes was so bad that Awesome couldn’t even get something out of him. ½*

After that, Judge Jeff Jones does a promo where he refers to Awesome as a giant, so Spike Dudley comes out and gives him the Acid Drop before storming off again. So this gives Spike the title shot at Guilty as Charged.

Meanwhile, Danny Doring gets cock-blocked by Roadkill in the shower in a dumb skit.

Tom Marquez v. Super Calo v. Ikuto Hidaka

So yeah these geeks do a match for a couple of minutes that you know is getting interrupted, and indeed Sabu just comes in and beats them all up at 3:00 to further hype his match with RVD at the PPV. Man that one did NOT turn out well, as I remember it.

The Impact Players v. Rhino & Chris Candido

Winner gets the title shot at Raven & Dreamer at the PPV. Entrances are quite lengthy here, with Storm and Credible getting solo entrances and the women having to get their TV time in as well, while Joey and Joel discuss caffeine enemas in a weird tangent. Rhino quickly chases Credible to the floor. Back in the ring, Storm and Candido have a quick sequence. Joey is like “They were World tag team champions together!” Yeah but they HATED each other so what’s your point? Justin comes in and backdrops Candido on a chair, but Candido comes back with a DDT on the chair and Rhino beats on Credible in the corner. Rhino with a press slam and they double-team Storm, as Rhino gets a spinebuster for two. Candido with a delayed suplex on Storm, so delayed they should call it “The Speaker of the House vote” (now THAT is a timely reference!) and he takes him to the top for a superplex, at which point Dawn Marie and Tammy run in and do their catfight. That gets broken up to big heel heat, but Rhino accidentally gores Candido and the Impact Players advance to the PPV at 7:12. Not much of a match here, mostly just a few greatest hits spots before the overbooked finish. ** And then Rhino and Candido have words after the loss, which I don’t think went anywhere due to Candido bailing for WCW soon after. And then the Impact Players call out Sandman, who responds by wandering around the crowd and pouring beer on the fans while finishing his cigarette. And Sandman takes so long to get to the ring that the Impact Players leave, and Jason takes the beating with the cane as a decoy, allowing his team to jump Sandman from behind. Sandman is apparently very easy to outsmart. Sandman of course fights them off alone, but a table appears in the corner and then Rhino spears Sandman through the table.

And we finish with Raven still whining about how he’s trying to “do the right thing” but he’s too weak to go through a feud with Dreamer again, so Tommy can count on him to be there and take care of the Impact Players. But then it turns out he’s talking to Francine.

Not a big fan of this week’s mess of stuff happening, but I’m pretty sure NEXT week has the Tanaka v. Awesome title change so I’m definitely looking forward to that.