The SmarK Rant for WWF Prime Time Wrestling – 08.18.86
Man I can’t even with those 89 episodes with Piper and Monsoon and the Bobby Heenan Show anymore. Back to the good old days.
Your hosts are Bobby Heenan & Gorilla Monsoon, although Bobby walked out last week and so Gorilla is hosting solo to open the show. And he’s very broken up about it, as you can imagine.
Pedro Morales v. Terry Funk
Off to the Boston Garden, January 11 86. This would be an earth-shattering dream match 10 years previous, but even here it’s a pretty decent matchup. Morales chases him to the floor to start, but Terry tosses him and advises us that Pedro is a PIG. Perhaps an egg-sucking dog as well, I’m not sure. Further investigation would likely be warranted. Pedro sells a leg injury after hitting the floor, and Terry slugs away on the apron with some hilarious showboating, and then further shows his fisticuffsmanship skills in the corner. And then Pedro takes ANOTHER crazy bump to the floor, landing on the announce table this time, and Funk takes a swipe at Gorilla for good measure, knocking the headset off him. Gorilla is completely unfazed by this madman, and Funk runs Pedro into the post and puts the boots to his head before going to his tights and finding a foreign object as well. And then while the ref is checking on the object, Terry unwraps the wrist tape and strangles Morales in the corner with that. But then it backfires while Jimmy Hart is taking the ref, as Pedro gets the tape and chokes Terry out before stuffing it into HIS trunks. Pedro fights back and now it’s Terry’s turn to take bumps onto the floor, as he falls back into the stairs and then hides underneath them! Terry Funk is a goddamn national treasure. Amazingly Pedro finds his hiding spot and slams him on the stairs, but he goes to the top rope and teases a dive onto the floor before thinking better of it! Funk goes after him in the corner, but Pedro runs him in to the post and makes the fired up comeback and Funk is selling all over the ring, swinging at air and then flying over the top rope. Pedro runs after Jimmy Hart, who hides under the ring to escape, so Terry throws a chair into the ring to provide distraction. Pedro continues the beating, running Terry into the corner, and Funk somehow gets caught upside-down in the ropes and gets the megaphone from Jimmy. And when Pedro gets caught up with the ref, Funk nails him with it and gets the pin at 10:42. This was AMAZING. ****
Back with Bobby Heenan once again joining the show, albeit 15 minutes late. And he’s wearing a jacket that says “HOST” on the back in the cheapest iron-on fashion possible. Well I’m convinced!
The Killer Bees v. Les Thornton & Barry O
This appears to be a dark match from the last vestiges of the old TV tapings before Challenge and Superstars took over. Thornton does some nice mat wrestling with the Bees, and Barry comes in and stomps on Brunzell’s head in dramatic fashion. Jim rolls him up for two and the Bees double-team him in the corner. Blair puts him down with an elbow for two, but he gets trapped in the jobber corner and slugs it out with Thornton there. Back to Barry O, but the Bees double-team him with the wishbone spot and he bails to escape. Thornton comes in and Blair powerslams him for two and drops an elbow for two, which Gorilla talks about “current tag team champions” Valentine & Beefcake, so we’re actually way back in 1986, probably around January. Brunzell with the dropkick on Thornton for the pin at 4:39. Well this was a match. *
Back at the studio, Bobby keeps finding excuses to turn around and show his HOST jacket, and he’s also quite happy that they’re going to be unmasking Andre the Giant soon and revealing him for the liar he is. Gorilla: “What are you talking about? Andre doesn’t wear a mask that I know of.” Oh great he’s in on it too.
MACHO MAN Randy Savage joins Killer Ken to discuss his current schedule of having to defend the IC title at the same time as he’s chasing Hulk Hogan’s World title. So Savage sticks a bar of soap in Ken’s pocket, because he’s CLEANING UP IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, YEAH, and pinning everyone with that big elbow. How much longer CAN Hogan hide behind his façade, knowing that Hulkamania is dead and Macho Madness is the strongest force in the WWF? That’s the same question that I had!
Fabulous Moolah v. Velvet McIntyre
No idea where this is from. They trade headscissors on the mat to start while Gorilla again gives the ridiculous lie about Moolah being the longest reigning champion in wrestling. SHE JUST WON THE TITLE FROM WENDI RICHTER AT THIS POINT! Even if you erase Richter from history like they were trying to do, you also have to erase Leilani Kai’s title reign as well. Moolah takes her down with some hairtosses and sends her to the floor, then beats on her with chops and slams Velvet on the floor. Back in, Velvet comes back with dropkicks and follows with a catapult, which is basically just Moolah falling forward and barely taking a bump. Moolah slugs her down for two, but Velvet gets a Giant Swing. But then she dizzies herself and Moolah pins her with a sunset flip at 5:17. This was BAD. ½*
Back at the studio, Bobby has a stooge in the production crew come and fix his lapel microphone, which disgusts Gorilla for some reason.
The British Bulldogs v. Iron Mike Sharpe & Gino Carabello
The Bulldogs are champions at this point but much like the previous match, I have no idea what this is from. It must be soon after Wrestlemania 2 because the Dream Team come out to scout them for a rematch. Davey hits Sharpe with a bodypress and the Bulldogs double-team Carabello and chase him to the floor. Carabello looks familiar but apparently he was just a guy and didn’t make it out of the 80s before leaving the business. Davey with a delayed suplex on Carabello, so delayed they should call it Black Adam’s profits (sorry, too soon, much like Dwayne’s claims of profitability) and the Bulldogs finish with Kid’s diving headbutt off of Iron Mike on Davey’s shoulders. And the Dream Team attacks and beats the Bulldogs down, but they all brawl to the floor for the DONNYBROOK and the Bulldogs stand tall at the end. Just a normal Bulldogs squash.
Back at the studio, Bobby’s HOST has lost everything but “O” and is unaware of it. So that’s the running joke for the rest of the episode, as he makes sure to turn around and point to the big zero on his back as much as possible.
UPDATE! WITH GENE OKERLUND! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MAGAZINE!
Man, Hulk Hogan is pretty shaken up by Mr. Wonderful’s betrayal, especially his betrayal of the Little Hulksters, much like “the spies in the nation’s capital.” Zuh? Also he’s going to skip the electric chair and execute Paul with the pythons instead.
The Flower Shop with Adrian Adonis, with special guest Magnificent Muraco. However, Rowdy Roddy Piper interrupts instead and he’s not terribly happy about Adonis stealing his talk show slot. This brings out Adonis’s new friend “Acey” Bob Orton, with pink cowboy hat, and Piper is pretty disgusted to see THAT. “How much did they pay you to wear PINK?” he asks with venom in his voice. Orton points out that it’s just about money, and Jimmy Hart’s crew of freaks pays better than Piper did. And hey, Adonis has a contract to do the show now, because Piper left. Piper, with no real rebuttal to that, FREAKS out and promises that he’ll be back and storms off. Piper was so good in this storyline and it just keeps getting better as it goes.
Back at the studio, Bobby points out that Piper is a cheap Scotsman and thus he was probably underpaying Orton anyway. It’s true, we are a very cheap people, I can’t deny it.
Brutus Beefcake v. Sal Bellomo
This is a weird trip to the past, from a Meadowlands show in December of 1984 with Gorilla and Howard Finkel on commentary! Apparently it was broadcast on the MSG Network. So I guess they did the bidding managers gimmick a lot in the 80s, as Finkel recaps the storyline of Beefcake coming into the promotion as a free agent and courting various managers before Johnny Valiant swooped in as an unknown and got him. And then they repeated that same deal with Randy Savage and then again with Bam Bam Bigelow. So they finally make contact after 2:30 of stalling from Beefcake, and Brutus slams him a couple of times. Beefcake pounds away in the corner in boring fashion but Sal takes him down and works the legs as his big highspot. And then he walks into Beefcake’s high knee at 7:30. Holy cow, how come Billy Gunn has never done a high knee and called it the HINEY? THEY’LL MAKE MILLIONS! DUD
The Hart Foundation stops by for an interview with Killer Ken, and they’re complaining about not getting title shots at the Bulldogs and Bret promises that they’ll be the next World tag team champions. Bret was right again. But then Ken presses on with the REAL hard-hitting questions: What exactly happened between Neidhart and Moolah on the Mating Game? Jim declines to answer. Probably better that way for everyone.
The Moondogs v. Nelson Veilleux & Serge Jodoin
OK so we’ve got Jimmy Hart managing the Moondogs in a thing I totally don’t remember, and this is again from some TV taping in 1986 which I’m assuming must have been in Canada judging by the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH CANADIAN jobbers here. Les enhancement talent works on Rex’s arm in the corner for a bit, but he puts beardface Serge down and Spot comes in with a shoulderbreaker on him for two. Rex chokes him out and follows with a powerslam, and Spot gets a splash for two and a snap suplex for two. They keep picking up Serge, but he manages to tag out to the awesome force of Veilleux, who quickly gets powerslammed by Rex for two and another pickup. They finish with a Demolition elbow at 5:05, as I guess Randy Colley was workshopping that one for a while before taking it to Demolition. Did Jimmy Hart even make TV with the Moondogs? He was already managing the Hart Foundation and the Funks at that point as it was! And soon to be Muraco and Orton as well for a bit.
Ricky Steamboat & Junkyard Dog v. Magnificent Muraco & Mr. Fuji
And in another weird trip to the past for our featured match, this is from the Boston Garden in August 1985, an entire year before this show aired. The babyfaces quickly tie up Muraco in the ropes and double-team Fuji in the corner, and then Dragon brawls with Muraco on the floor and beats on him with chops. Well at least Muraco had a lot of padding to absorb those at the time. In the ring, Dog goes after Fuji with headbutts and Steamboat hits the flying chop on Fuj and follows with another one for Muraco as well. Steamboat necks Muraco on the top rope and hits him with another flying chop, and then Dog whips Fuji into a chop from Steamboat as Fuji takes a great clown bump off that. And then we get another wacky spot as Steamboat rams Muraco and Dog’s heads together in a play on the noggin knocker, which of course goes badly for Muraco. And then they double-team Fuji as well and finally everyone goes to their corners to end the shenanigans and double-teaming. LAW AND ORDER. Steamboat beats on Muraco with chops, but Muraco goes low on him pretty blatantly, right in front of Danny Davis. Might want to keep an eye on that referee moving forward. Fuji comes in and drops the headbutt on Steamboat’s little dragon to take over, and the heels work Ricky over in the corner. OK, might have to amend my all-time great babyface in peril/hot tag pairings, because Steamboat selling and Dog getting a hot tag in his quasi-prime is a pretty great idea. Fuji tries a suplex and Steamboat reverses to his own, but he tries a splash and hits Fuji’s knees to end that comeback. Muraco beats on him and Steamboat’s selling is just incredible, as he times the comebacks perfectly and we take a break.
This Steamboat guy, he’s a pretty, pretty, pretty good pro wrestler, I feel. I know that’s a scalding hot take but that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Back with Muraco choking him out on the ropes and Steamboat’s gasping for air and clutching for the ropes act is tremendous. Muraco yanks him off the ropes and drops him on his head and Fuji comes in with the Vulcan nerve pinch, but Steamboat gets the tag and Danny Davis misses that. So then Muraco switches in and continues the shoulder massage, perhaps assisted by a foreign object if you believe rumors and innuendo, but of course Steamboat is up at two drops of the arm. Steamboat comes back on the heels with chops and slides under Muraco, and it’s HOT TAG JYD and Boston goes so crazy you’d think famous football star Larry Bird just won the World Cup! Muraco puts Dog down with a cheapshot behind the ref’s back again and so Steamboat has to come in and take care of shit for his partner. Flying chop on Muraco sends him flying back into the corner, and he goes up with the bodypress on Fuji to finish at 12:02. I take it back, Dog was useless on the hot tag and Steamboat had to be his own hot tag guy anyway. Well he’s great, that’s not news. Sadly, Steamboat is blinded by a handful of Fuji’s racist salt and the heels make their getaway. Dog is probably off negotiating a drug deal with Mark Wahlberg’s mom in the front row or something and thus can’t help out. Match still ruled, so Dog gets lucky this time with me. But I’m not putting him on my ultimate tag team list after all. So there. ***3/4
And back at the studio, Bobby wants to stress that the back of his jacket tells the audience what he really is all along. Gorilla agrees strongly and we wrap it up.
I’ve already seen the Funk match a few times recently but it’s still great, and the main event was great, so this is a THUMBS UP from me.