The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – Maple Leaf Gardens 09.18.88
Oh lord the thumbnail image has me dreading this one already.
Taped from Toronto, ON
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Sean Mooney
Jim Brunzell v. Mr. Perfect
Brunzell is into his post-Bees singles career now, with long tie-dye tights. It’s a weird look, like he accidentally washed Jake Hager’s favorite hat with his white gear. They trade hammerlocks to start and Hennig takes him down with a hiptoss, so Brunzell goes to a headlock and Hennig beats him down in the corner to take over. Brunzell bails to regroup for a bit and they slug it out on the apron, which Perfect wins because he’s perfect. Back in, Jim makes a comeback and tosses him a few times, as Perfect takes some bumps to the floor but nothing up to his usual level. Back in the ring, Perfect with an elbow out of the corner and he goes to a chinlock, and then switches to a half-assed abdominal stretch. And SHOCKINGLY Gorilla points out how badly it’s applied, but in this case he’s justified because he’s supposed to be MR. PERFECT. Real subpar job on Hennig’s part with that one. Perfect tries for a crab and Brunzell quickly makes the ropes, so Perfect turns it into a catapult under the ropes instead. They slug it out and Perfect goes to a rear chinlock and Gorilla is already accusing him of doing a choke instead. Brunzell slugs back in the corner and gets a monkey flip and backdrop, which sets up the DROPKICK OF DEATH, and that gets two. But then Perfect cuts him off again with an Axe Attack (which Brunzell doesn’t seem to know how to sell, so Perfect does it a second time to make his point) and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 9:50 to finish. A decent enough opener. **1/4
Iron Mike Sharpe v. Tommy Angel
I didn’t think Angel was allowed to leave the Carolinas and Dusty just kept him in a cabinet and let him out to do TV jobs. Sharpe does some stalling and they trade full nelsons while Gorilla discusses the problems encountered with working with a wrestling bear. Apparently Iron Mike used to do it on a regular basis, but you just can’t get the bear’s shoulders on the mat because they’re so rounded, you see. Sharpe offers Angel a test of strength in a show of good sportsmanship and quickly gains the advantage there while Gorilla talks about how the whole thing is a huge waste of time and he never did it. Angel dropkicks out of it and sends Mike running away with armdrags, so Mike does a tour of ringside while airing his grievances and then heads back in with a headlock. Gorilla continues degrading the good name of Sharpe, noting that he just growls at kids who ask for autographs, but he does concede that Sharpe is the cleanest wrestler he’s ever met and he loves showering almost as much as working out. That is indeed a well known fact about Sharpe. Sharpe chokes him out on the ropes and beats him down with a forearm for two, but Angel comes back with a bodypress for two. Tommy makes a comeback and slugs away in the ropes, but he charges and runs into a boot as a result. So Mike continues beating on him with the alleged loaded forearm and follows with a backdrop for two. Angel comes back with a sunset flip for two and slugs away in the corner, but he tries a monkey flip and Sharpe clobbers him with the ALLEGEDLY loaded forearm and pins him at 8:00. Crowd still cheers him anyway. *1/2
Outlaw Ron Bass v. Brutus Beefcake
Good to see Brutus already recovered from having that big red X on his face a couple of weeks before. Bass attacks and they slug it out to start while Gorilla spouts nonsense about arenas bidding to host the match, and they fight to the floor while Bass calls for a truce. Back in the ring, Brutus slugs him down and pulls a pair of scissors out of his boot like a MANIAC, and Bass wisely runs away while Gorilla is remarkably unbothered by someone carrying a pair of SCISSORS in his ring gear. Thankfully the ref takes those away, and Bass takes over with a knee to the gut, but misses an elbow and that allows Brutus to beat him down on the mat. Brutus runs him into the turnbuckles a few times, but that allows Bass to grab the whip and nail him with it to take over again. Well that’s entirely on Brutus for being an idiot. Bass drops an elbow and chokes him out on the ropes while Gorilla buries the refereeing job and thinks Bass should just be DQ’d without a count. Bass with the TEXAS PILEDRIVER for two. Apparently the version where you fall backwards instead of jumping up and spiking the guy like Orndorff is specific to Texas, probably because Terry Funk did it like that. Bass goes to a nerve hold and Brutus fights back from that and puts him down with a big boot, which is something you don’t see from Beefcake every day. Brutus with the sleeper, but Bass knocks out the ref to escape and then uses the whip to choke Beefcake until Brutus runs him into the turnbuckles to break free. But then Brutus gets the whip and the ref revives and calls for the DQ at 10:38. I thought Beefcake was getting disqualified but apparently it’s for Bass taking out the ref. Doesn’t matter either way. So yeah, this feud was a tough one to book on house shows because you can’t have Beefcake winning with the sleeper, since everyone would then expect him to shave Bass’s head, so you had to do bullshit finishes to keep things going until they could finally do the blowoff on SNME. *1/2
The Bolsheviks v. The Powers of Pain
I could have lived without seeing this match ever again. So we’re now a couple of months into the POP’s WWF run, and the initial babyface reactions from the last show in July are now long, LONG, gone. The Powers quickly double-team Boris to get rid of him and then beat Volkoff down, and the Russians bail to think it over. Back in, Boris puts his head down on a backdrop attempt and Barbarian clobbers him for two. Barbarian with a headlock on Boris and then Warlord comes in and grinds on his own headlock. Nikolai wants a test of strength and that goes badly for him, so Boris gets a cheapshot from behind to take over while Gorilla is completely tuning the match out and talking about Mr. Fuji and Toru Tanaka’s years as a tag team instead. Warlord makes his own comeback and beats up both Bolsheviks, but Volkoff goes to a bearhug to slow it down again. Warlord fights out of that and Barbarian comes in with a big boot for two while Gorilla and Sean go deeper into inane chatter about the haircuts in the match as this match is just AWFUL. Warlord misses a charge and Boris comes in for a double-team while Gorilla goes on his weekly rant about how there should be two referees. Warlord fights out of the corner as this drags on and on and the Russians double-team him in the corner. Even Gorilla is like “You know, they’re not really doing that much damage to the guy” and Warlord finally makes a hot tag to Barbarian and he cleans house with shoulderblocks. And they thankfully finish this insomnia cure with the powerslam and flying headbutt at 12:00. Warlord somehow managed to get blown up here, so that’s something I guess. DUD
Ravishing Rick Rude v. Jake Roberts
I assume this will finally wake up the crowd. Rude quickly gives him the old Jesse Ventura special and slugs away to take over, then tosses Jake and reveals to the crowd that in fact he has Cheryl Roberts tights on underneath his normal ones. Back in the ring, he sends Jake into the corner and stops to swivel before going to a chinlock. I don’t want to cast any aspersions of a personal nature on Jake Roberts, but he doesn’t seem to be particularly invested in this match tonight for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on. He also had trouble navigating the stairs on the way to the ring but I’m sure that’s unrelated. Rude with a lengthy chinlock and he accidentally pulls down both tights, leaving his underwear hanging out, but he reconfigures and shows off Cheryl’s face on his crotch again. Back to the chinlock as most of the match thus far has been the chinlock. Jake fights out of that but misses a charge and he’s down again, so Rude goes up with a double axehandle. Back to the chinlock, so Gorilla gets bored again and talks about the wrestling career of Billy Red Lyons to fill time. Apparently Billy Red was doing jobs on WWF house shows in Ontario all the way until 1986! I too got extremely bored and fell down the Cagematch rabbit hole while waiting for Jake to escape the TEN MINUTE chinlock, not even kidding. Jake finally sends him to the floor to escape and Rude has this annoyed look on his face that the camera catches, and Jake finally makes a comeback and slugs him down. Jake with the short clothesline and he stops to do his own version of hip thrusts, and then finally hits the DDT and manages to bump the ref in the process. Rude gets the Rude Awakening while the ref is out, but Jake is in the ropes and it only gets two. And then Jake gets a rollup for the pin at 15:28. Rude decides to show off the tights again, so Jake chases him with the snake and Rude takes off back to the dressing room. Jake didn’t look interested in doing ANYTHING tonight. ½*
Jim Powers v. Big Bossman
Powers throws down with Bossman to start, but quickly takes a corner splash like a GEEK and Bossman tries to throw him over the top. Powers manages a quick comeback and Bossman mauls him in the corner and puts him down with a backbreaker. Bossman chokes him out on the ropes, but Powers tries a sleeper and that also goes sideways on him. So he fights back and runs Bossman into the corner a few times and follows with some dropkicks, but he walks into the Bossman Slam and gets pinned at 4:08. Realistically this was the best match of the show so far, exactly as long as it needed to be. **1/2
Hulk Hogan v. King Haku
And our main event features Hogan countering the crown with…sigh…the stupid fist helmet. Hulk chases Haku and Bobby around before the bell, but Haku quickly beats Hulk down in the corner like a red headed stepchild. Hulk fights back and sends him to the floor with an atomic drop, probably with a loaded kneepad if we’re being honest, and Haku gets some advice from Bobby Heenan. That advice? “If Jimmy Jack Funk starts something with you, teach him a lesson.” Back in the ring, Haku chops Hulk down and goes to an armbar while Gorilla accuses Haku of using illegal martial arts on Hulk. Hogan literally wore a MOTORCYCLE HELMET WITH A GIANT FIST ON IT to the ring and you’re giving HAKU shit about cheating? Get outta here with that. Haku works the arm while some kid shows off their LJN Hogan figure in the audience. Stupid kid, if they had kept that one unopened they probably could have sold it for good money on eBay today. Like holy crap, look at this listing:
That’s almost as much as Tony Khan pays to give his shows a good review!
Or…so I hear.
Haku with a dropkick and he goes to a chinlock and that goes on for a while, but Hulk puts on the helmet and blah blah blah and finishes with the legdrop at 11:20. *
This was more boring than an episode of Rampage with an ROH main event. And it was a pretty loaded card on paper for 1988, too! I blame the stupid helmet. Because it’s stupid.