The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.06.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.06.94

HOUSEKEEPING NOTES: I’m flying out to Vancouver for a work conference on Monday and I’m going to be gone all week, so I’m going to do my best to get a bunch of stuff done for next week and posted in advance, but chances are good that there won’t be a Dynamite review from me next week because I’ve got a lot of mandatory “fun nights” from vendors and stuff. I’ve already got an Observer Flashback done and posted for Wednesday morning and then the usual RAW/Nitro reposts for Thursday, although if I can squeeze in Dynamite in the hotel room on Wednesday night I’ll try to get it that posted instead. Anyway, I might not be around much, so don’t panic. I had wanted to do a whole Halloween Havoc themed thing but I’m just not gonna have the time to do what I wanted with it, and it’ll have to wait.

Any fans of Longmire, by the way? I had been looking for something to scratch my modern cowboy itch while waiting for Yellowstone and the first couple of seasons have been really good so far. I really like it, like Yellowstone meets Law & Order or something.

Taped from Ocean City, MD

Your hosts are…Stan Lane & Lord Alfred Hayes?!? Where did THAT come from? Is this some bizarre international edit of the show or something?

Owen Hart v. Mike Khoury

Owen takes Khoury down while Alfred is doing a strange heel commentator gimmick, cheering openly for Owen and Anvil. Owen takes Khoury down and rides him for a bit, and then cuts off Khoury’s comeback attempt with a clothesline before going to a chinlock. Khoury fights up again and Owen takes him down by the hair and Hayes is just going ridiculously heavy on the heel stuff, calling Stan a “mama’s boy” while putting over the brilliance of Owen. Owen bulldogs him and goes up with the missile dropkick before finishing with the Sharpshooter at 2:47. The commentary for this was UNBEARABLE. After the win, Owen puts his glasses on the jobber and snaps the elastic on them, which is really mean but kind of funny.

OK, so this commentary team is so jarringly abrupt and non-sensical that I looked it up, and surprise surprise, Jim Ross was fired at the end of July after Vince was acquitted, with the reason given being that he was “leaking info to the dirt sheets”, so I guess they had to scrub his commentary and hastily insert this trainwreck instead.

Meanwhile, famous TV detective Leslie Nielsen gets pizza delivered.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Lex Luger. Shawn congratulates him on “seeing the light” and joining Dibiase, but Lex denies taking anything from him. Sure, he’s been offered a lucrative amount of money, but it’s nobody’s business but his. And hey, if WCW were to make him a lucrative offer…no wait, that’s next year, sorry.

KWANG v. Jim Powers

I love the balls on Vince, getting acquitted for steroid distribution and then putting JIM POWERS on TV again before the ink on his cheque to the legal team was even dry. Stan Lane has known Lex Luger to never be a liar in his time in the WWF, so he believes him completely. This commentary may be some of the worst I’ve ever heard. Powers gets some offense, but Kwang hits him with the leg lariat and sprays mist to celebrate. Another leg lariat finishes Powers at 1:20. Stan declares it a “see saw battle back and forth” but it means NOTHING when it’s not coming from Vince.

Meanwhile, Diesel and Razor Ramon will battle for the Intercontinental title at Summerslam. Still no mention of Walter Payton yet. I guess the Bulls were in the thick of the baseball season at that point anyway so he might not have been available yet.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart gives his glasses to some kid backstage before going out for his match. And then as it turned out, a Make-A-Wish patient who was at ringside and had requested Bret for his dying wish didn’t get those glasses as a result, but he survived and grew up to be a football player and eventually a wrestler, named GOLDBERG, and bided his time before getting his ultimate revenge on Bret some years later. And the kid backstage grew up to be Shawn Michaels. And now you know the rest of the story.

1-2-3 Kid v. Jeff Jarrett

Yes, it’s the match to complete the trilogy, as they last battled to a double countout a couple of weeks back. Kid attacks from behind while Jarrett is waiting for him to make his entrance, and Kid tosses him and hits him with a dive. But then he tries another one and JJ drops him on the railing with a stungun, which is something you don’t see every day. Back in, Kid dropkicks him into the corner and falls on top for two. Kid tries a piledriver and Jeff backdrops out, so Kid turns it into a sunset flip for two instead. Kid with a clothesline for two as Alfred declares Jarrett to be “one of the greatest wrestlers the world has ever known”. How did I forget about Alfred’s completely random turn to being a heel commentator? Because, as Celine Dion once said, it’s all coming back to me now. Jarrett cuts him off and tries a suplex, but Kid cradles for two. Jarrett catches him with a sleeper and Kid fights out of that, but Jarrett pins him in the corner with his feet on the ropes at 4:52. So then it gets really awkward as Joey Marella comes out to protest the miscarriage of justice, but the announcers are of course unwilling to identify him given that he’d been dead for a month and no one had said anything about it on TV yet. Couple of good highspots to start but this was way short and Jarrett was going nowhere until the introduction of the Roadie months later. **1/2

Last week, Bob Backlund snaps and puts Bret Hart in the chicken wing.

Duke The Dumpster Droese v. Ray Hudson

OK, I did laugh when Stan Lane was putting over the dumb kid doing the ring announcing here, and Alfred matter-of-factly states “She got the name wrong”. Droese with a back suplex and he drops a couple of elbows before going to a bearhug. See, THAT’S the move that should have been the Trash Compactor. Also thanks to whoever shared the news item on my timeline about a city renaming their trash compactor “Stone Cold Squeeze Often”. Droese finishes with the tilt-a-whirl slam at 1:20, which is the move that Stan names here as “The Trash Compactor” instead of, you know, a move where you’re LITERALLY SQUEEZING SOMEONE. And then we get the bizarre addition of the Magistrator gimmick afterwards, as Alfred claims that Lawler “lent it to him” and they just act like Alfred is one drawing the gag on the screen. This show is so bad.

SUMMERSLAM UPDATE! WITH TODD!

Ah, here is where Razor adds legendary soccer player Walter Payton to his corner. Also just announced: The Headshrinkers defend the tag team titles against IRS & Bam Bam Bigelow! Well unless they inexplicably switch the titles on a house show the night before the PPV but HOW LIKELY IS THAT, LOL? Also, after a series of matches with disputed finishes against 1-2-3 Kid, Jeff Jarrett logically now goes on to face Mabel at Summerslam in a “battle of rap against country”. Yeah that makes sense. Should they not have done another match with the Kid to settle things? Also Paul Bearer does a promo with a Kari Lake webcam filter and promises that Undertaker will be reborn at the show. They still have not even attempted to explain what the hell is going on with that storyline and/or who the evil Undertaker is even supposed to be.

Razor Ramon v. Mike Haywood

I think Haywood used to be in a team on the indies with John Jablomie. Usual Razor squash and he finishes with the Edge at 2:00.

Lex Luger v. David Thornberg

This is a quick squash from RAW edited in here for some reason. Stan calls it “courtesy of RAW in the States” so I’m wondering if this actually was an international edit of this episode.

Next week: Bob Backlund! Adam Bomb! Thankfully I’ve only got a couple of weeks left before Summerslam and then I can drop this show for good.