The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.23.94
By Scott Keith on 30th September 2022
The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.23.94
OK, since you asked so nicely. Summerslam 94 is gonna be the end of these, though.
Taped from Wilkes-Barre PA on 06.21.94
Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler, and Lawler is predicting Lex Luger is signed to the Million Dollar Corporation and that’s going to be Ted Dibiase’s big announce later. SPOILERS, jerk.
Jeff Jarrett v. The 1-2-3 Kid
Joey Marella update: He’s still being featured as a referee in this match, 3 weeks after his death. This is of course a rematch from King of the Ring, so I assume they do the 50/50 booking because Kid wasn’t doing anything in particular at this point anyway. Kid takes him down with armdrags and works the arm to start before going to a headlock. JJ drops him with a back suplex to escape and puts the boots to the Kid in the corner before going to work on the back. Jarrett ducks a spinkick, but makes the heel mistake of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, and Kid takes him down with a headlock again. Jarrett escapes with a DDT and we take a break, returning exactly where we left. But the announcers still make up a narrative about Jarrett being in control during the break. YOU ARE LIARS. I’m shocked that a wrestling announcer would misrepresent their product like this. Jarrett chokes him out on the ropes, but misses a charge and clotheslines himself, allowing Kid to make the comeback. Leg lariat gets two. Kid misses a cross body and lands on the floor in a rather tame bump by Waltman standards, but he suckers Jarrett into chasing him and hits him with a spinkick, leading to a double countout at 6:50. And Jarrett attacks him afterwards and lays him out with a piledriver until referees make the save for the Kid. They carry Kid back to the dressing room, but Jarrett continues provoking him and calling him a coward, which leads to nothing. Not a particularly good match. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, we recap the story thus far between Owen and Bret Hart, setting up their cage match at Summerslam.
Jim Neidhart v. Rich Myers
In a rare gaffe, the graphic misspells Anvil’s name as “Niedhart”. Neidhart tosses Myers right away and then hauls him back in by the hair and then tosses him across the ring with a hiptoss. Anvil hits a backdrop and then finishes with a camel clutch at 2:13. Neidhart was looking better here than his first couple of appearances, but that’s a lame finisher. 0 for 2.
Meanwhile, Bob Backlund works out in preparation for getting a title shot at Bret Hart next week.
Meanwhile, Leslie Neilsen is searching for the Undertaker, although legally he can’t be portraying Frank Drebin and just has to be actor Leslie Nielsen, who is also “the world’s greatest detective”, so that’s pretty weird.
Tatanka v. Austin Steele
Tatanka hits Steele with chops and follows with a backdrop, then beats on him in the corner and hits him with an armdrag. Steele gets some heel offense, but this angers Tatanka and he makes the comeback with chops and finishes with the Papoose to Go at 2:34. Even JR is calling it that now! 0 for 3.
Meanwhile, a local mafioso is eating dinner at an Italian restaurant, but is unable to watch RAW due to the owner not having cable in the restaurant. So hilariously he makes us think that he’s going to murder the small business owner over the WWF TV show, but then we learn that “get the car” literally means to get the car so they can all watch together in the limo while enjoying spaghetti. A tremendous feel good tale that really gives an insight into the mind of the mob, possibly even inspiring the Sopranos in the process? Might require some exploration from the WWF legal team.
Ted Dibiase joins us on the Heartbreak Hotel, announcing that in fact Lex Luger has sold out and joined the Million Dollar Corporation. So Luger eventually does come out, but so does Tatanka, who is upset and disappointed in Luger selling out. Native Americans were the first Americans, apparently! Huge if true. I’m learning so much on this episode. Dibiase thinks that maybe Tatanks I just jealous that HE wasn’t asked to join the team. But Luger denies joining and tells Dibiase to get lost, noting there’s not enough money in the world to buy out his integrity. Uh, yeah, sure. Have you MET Lex Luger? Don’t worry, though, I would never sell out. I mean, moreso than I already have several times over. Dibiase continues to insist there’s a deal in place, however. I will say, this was at least a little bit of a different storyline than the other stuff and mildly interesting compared to twin Undertakers fighting and suchlike.
SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH TODD!
But first, a word about how delicious Domino’s Pizza is, proving that wrestling truly produces the biggest lies.
BREAKING NEWS: Razor Ramon gets a rematch at the Intercontinental title!
That’s about it.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Tyrone Knox
Damn these shows might suck but they’ve got some GREAT jobber names this week. You’re probably thinking a guy named Tyrone Knox is a big tough looking black dude and you’d be RIGHT. Kudos to him. Bigelow still destroys him and tosses him, but misses a blind charge and Knox momentarily gets to regroup before Bigelow puts him down with a suplex for two. BREAKING NEWS: This week’s “memory lane” match on All American Wrestling will be Pedro Morales taking on Adrian Adonis. Setting aside for the moment the fact that I didn’t even know All American Wrestling was still a thing in 1994, that would have been an Intercontinental title defense from MSG in 1982 and why in the blue hell was THAT match of all things being featured in 1994? Anyway, Bigelow finishes with a Million Dollar Dream into a bulldog at 2:22.
NEXT WEEK: Bob Backlund faces Bret Hart for the WWF title. Terrifyingly, Backlund was three years YOUNGER here than I currently am. I’m gonna go yell at some punk kids to get off my lawn now.