The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – Boston Garden 01.11.86
Well the MSG well has run dry for the moment, so let’s carry on from the beginning of 1986 with the Boston Garden shows on the Network. I think I’ve done a couple of these matches before but no biggie if so.
Taped from Boston, MA
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura
Terry Gibbs v. Leaping Lanny Poffo
YO! YO! LISTEN! Poffo does a pandering poem about Boston and all the pennants they win. Pretty sure 86 is gonna be the year they get that World Series, too! That’s a little baseball humor for you Tom Brady fans out there. Poffo takes him down and works the armbar, hanging on through a slam from Gibbs. Gibbs fights out with a shoulderblock and Poffo takes him down again with an armdrag and keeps cranking on the arm. Gorilla meanwhile marvels at Poffo’s “iridescent” tights, which he never saw the likes of back in his day. Well that’s nonsense, Gorgeous George invented nonsense like that and he was way before Gorilla. Gibbs beats on him in the corner to take over and then tosses Poffo onto the floor, and bumping on the plywood out there always looks like it hurts, like taking a field goal to the body from Roger Clemens. Poffo tries a sunset flip back into the ring, but Gibbs blocks him and drops a flamboyant elbow for two. I enjoyed the jaunty little dance he did before dropping it! Backbreaker gets two. Gibbs catches him with his head down and puts him down with a knee for two. Gibbs with a bearhug and he follows with an atomic drop and pounds on the back, but Poffo fights back with a backdrop, fired up like famous Boston goalie Cam Neely throwing a no-hitter in the Super Bowl! Small package gets two. Moonsault finishes at 9:14. This was a totally cromulent opener, worthy of the rich sporting history of Boston. **1/2
Moondog Spot v. Scotty McGhee
I really like McGhee and hopefully this will fall under the umbrella of Moondog Spot Hidden Gems as a result. Oddly the Garden boos McGhee, which I don’t really understand unless it’s some kind of Irish v. Scottish deal. The Scots can get drunk and rowdy just as much as anyone in Boston, you jerks! I’m only half Scottish so I just drink vodka coolers and make passive aggressive comments on the internet, though. McGhee gets an atomic drop to send Spot crashing into the turnbuckle in a nice bump and he beats on him with forearms before taking Spot down with a Fujiwara armbar where he uses the knee to leverage the shoulder and that looks like it would be PAINFUL if it was real. McGhee works on a surfboard while the announcers discuss where Spot gets jeans done. Jesse: “Always remember, the wardrobe is tax deductible, Gorilla.” Scotty with a sunset flip for two and he goes back to the armbar and then wraps up the arm into a crossface hold as he’s really torturing the Moondog for some reason here. That’s kind of awesome. Spot beats on him with forearms to escape and McGhee misses a blind charge, allowing Spot to boot him down and take over. Spot puts the boots to him and follows with a snap suplex for two before going to a chinlock. And the crowd turns on the match, so McGhee fights out of that, and spot tosses him onto the floor and through the wooden barricade at ringside. TAKE THAT, Boston! That’ll teach you to catcall Spot’s match. McGhee fights up, so Spot rams his face into the apron and suplexes him back into the ring for two. McGhee with a crossbody for two and a sunset flip, but Spot punches him to block and gets two. They collide for the double down in the corner and McGhee comes back with a suplex for two, and then ties up Spot in the ropes. Always important to keep your Moondog leashed. Spot fights out, so Scotty dropkicks him for two. Belly to belly gets two. Moondog catches him with a knee and goes for the bone, but the ref prevents him and McGhee gets a rollup for the pin at 13:14. Indeed, this was another Moondog Spot Hidden Gem! ***1/4 McGhee sadly had his career ended early by health issues but he was a solid worker with a bright future.
Les Thornton v. Cousin Luke
Not to be confused with the Bushwhacker. Cousin Luke is the least of the Hillbilly clan, formerly wrestling as some kind of Mongol, and to call him the drizzling shits would be putting it mildly. Thornton controls for a bit with forearms and such, but Luke comes back and slugs him down, then dodges a blind charge from Thornton and pins him at 3:22 after a splash. Really awful. DUD
Intercontinental title: Tito Santana v. Randy Savage
No, not that match, simmer down nerds. That’s not until next month. Jesse complains that every time HE got a title shot, Tito conveniently got himself counted out. So between the last time we saw Savage on the MSG shows and here, Savage debuted on TV and introduced Elizabeth as his manager, and now he has NUCLEAR heat as a heel. Tito tries to charge him and he immediately hides behind Liz, which turns him into an immediate mega-heel. Savage springs out of the ring and has a discussion with the front row a few times before finally locking up, at which point he retreats to the ropes and claims hair-pulling and whatever other infractions he can think of. And then it’s back to the floor again to think it over, but he’s still coiled like a tightly-wound spring, looking dangerous even while apparently running away. That’s a fine line to walk, and that’s why he was such a star. Back in the ring, he finally makes his move on Tito, but Tito blocks him and puts the boots to him, sending Macho to the floor for some moral support from Liz. Back in the ring, Savage attacks and Tito counters him again and takes him down with an armbar, so Savage gives him the old Jesse Ventura Special and drags him to the apron for an elbow to the throat to take over. Back in the ring, Savage chokes him out on the ropes and snaps the neck on the top rope for two. Macho with a chinlock and Tito fights out of that, but Macho puts him down with a knee to the gut for two. Back to the chinlock and Savage drops a knee for two and works the count, but Tito makes a comeback and slugs away, but Savage thumbs him in the eye AGAIN and drops the double axehandle on him for two. Savage with the clothesline for two and he’s got this awesome look of irritation on his face when Tito kicks out, as Macho continues to do all the little things perfectly. Savage goes to a sleeper and the timekeeper accidentally rings the bell, but Danny Davis waves it off as a mistake. So Tito fights out and Savage misses a blind charge, landing in the ropes and tying himself up. Tito slugs away on him while the ref tries to enforce the rules, allowing Savage to dump Tito and drop the double axehandle on the floor. Man no wonder his knees were wrecked. There’s no easy way to jump from the top rope to the plywood floor without hurting. Back in the ring, Tito fights back from the apron and goes up with a flying elbow to send Savage flying back into the corner, and Tito puts the boots to Macho and follows with the flying forearm, as Savage bumps to the floor. Tito charges in, but Savage throws Liz in the way, and while Tito is busy helping her, Macho shoves him into the railing and runs into the ring to win by countout at 13:18. That’s an amazing finish to a great match. ***1/2
Bruno Sammartino & Paul Orndorff v. Rowdy Roddy Piper & Cowboy Bob Orton
Interesting intersection of two people who hated Piper! Crazy brawl to start and Orndorff chokes out Piper in the corner by using the tag rope, and then brings in Bruno officially. So Piper runs away and lets Orton deal with it. And so Orton hits Bruno with the cast and now Piper comes in, but Bruno immediately slaps him around and Piper runs away in terror. Bruno unwisely gives chase, which allows Piper to hit him with a chair and slow him down. And then Orton distracts the ref while Piper runs Bruno into the stairs and the crowd is just MOLTEN for this. Back in the ring, Bruno has had enough of this shit and beats on Piper in the corner, but Roddy goes to the eyes, so Bruno brings Orndorff in again and he hammers on both heels with his own cast. He tries the piledriver on Roddy, but Orton hits him with HIS cast, and Piper rolls on top for two. Piper goads the hot-headed Bruno into the ring and then the heels double-team Orndorff with the ref distracted, and Orton rams Wonderful into the mat for two. But then Orndorff uses his cast to make a comeback while Orton takes a tremendous bump in the corner, but Piper cuts off the tag. Orndorff tries a sunset flip and Piper slugs away to block, but Paul yanks the tights down and gets two while Roddy naturally leaves his ass hanging out. Orton comes in and tries his own piledriver, but Orndorff backdrops out of that and puts Orton down with a clothesline. HOT TAG Bruno and he’s in no mood for Piper, who wisely runs away again, but Bruno hauls him out of the crowd and grabs a chair, but then Piper rolls in and beats the count at 8:35 of mayhem. Loved this one. ***1/2
Pedro Morales v. Terry Funk
This would be an earth-shattering dream match 10 years previous, but even here it’s a pretty decent matchup. Morales chases him to the floor to start, but Terry tosses him and advises us that Pedro is a PIG. Perhaps an egg-sucking dog as well, I’m not sure. Further investigation would likely be warranted. Pedro sells a leg injury after hitting the floor, and Terry slugs away on the apron with some hilarious showboating, and then further shows his fisticuffsmanship skills in the corner. And then Pedro takes ANOTHER crazy bump to the floor, landing on the announce table this time, and Funk takes a swipe at Gorilla for good measure, knocking the headset off him. Gorilla is completely unfazed by this madman, and Funk runs Pedro into the post and puts the boots to his head before going to his tights and finding a foreign object as well. And then while the ref is checking on the object, Terry unwraps the wrist tape and strangles Morales in the corner with that. But then it backfires while Jimmy Hart is taking the ref, as Pedro gets the tape and chokes Terry out before stuffing it into HIS trunks. Pedro fights back and now it’s Terry’s turn to take bumps onto the floor, as he falls back into the stairs and then hides underneath them! Terry Funk is a goddamn national treasure. Amazingly Pedro finds his hiding spot and slams him on the stairs, but he goes to the top rope and teases a dive onto the floor before thinking better of it! Funk goes after him in the corner, but Pedro runs him in to the post and makes the fired up comeback and Funk is selling all over the ring, swinging at air and then flying over the top rope. Pedro runs after Jimmy Hart, who hides under the ring to escape, so Terry throws a chair into the ring to provide distraction. Pedro continues the beating, running Terry into the corner, and Funk somehow gets caught upside-down in the ropes and gets the megaphone from Jimmy. And when Pedro gets caught up with the ref, Funk nails him with it and gets the pin at 10:42. This was AMAZING. ****
George Welles v. Iron Mike Sharpe
It really is disrespectful to bring up Welles’ CFL career when CANADA’S GREATEST ATHLETE is standing right there in the ring. Also Jesse notes that he used to call Dino Bravo “ol’ pizzaface” and when Gorilla wonders why, Jesse notes “Well, just look at him.” Touché. Welles with a takedown and Iron Mike retreats to the apron to think it over, and then he takes George down and works the leg on the mat. George with a monkey flip to escape while Jesse buries the CFL. “Too many guys on the field and there’s no backfield in motion. I don’t consider that real football.” Well, to be fair, neither do most Canadians. Sharpe bails and stalls for a bit, and then back in for a test of strength, but Welles slaps him and then hits him with some forearms to win that battle. So Mike necksnaps him on the top rope and beats him down to take over. Mike uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS, the best in Canada, but he misses a splash and Welles fights back. “Hasn’t been too much of a wrestling match” notes Gorilla. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Sharpe takes him to the apron for more CLUBBING FOREARMS as Welles just looks lost out there. So Mike keeps beating on him with forearms and slams him for two. Welles gets the world’s worst rollup for two. Seriously, how do you screw up a ROLLUP? Welles comes back and apparently pokes him in the eye by mistake, and then gets a dropkick but doesn’t have any followup. Another dropkick misses and Sharpe loads up the forearm brace and clobbers Welles, sending him to the apron and then back into the ring again. Mike loads up the forearm again, but Welles hits him with a shoulderblock for the pin at 9:38. Bad. ½*
Junkyard Dog & Corporal Kirchner v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff
Well I guess this is our main event. The disgraceful Boston crowd won’t even let Volkoff finish the first verse of his nation’s anthem! The Corporal slugs away on the Sheik to start, after a few minutes of stalling on both sides, and then hits Volkoff with a cheap shot on the apron. Kirchner with a hiptoss and Sheik goes to the wrong corner, so JYD gets a shot and then tags in. Dog puts Volkoff down with a headbutt and the heels regroup on the apron while Gorilla notes that every time he sees the Dog, he’s got a big smile on his face! Cocaine is a hell of a drug, I hear. The faces work on Volkoff’s arm in the corner, but Kirchner gets caught in the heel corner and double-teamed. So the thing with Kirchner is that he didn’t really bring anything to the character to make people buy into it. Sgt Slaughter, who he was supposed to be replacing, worked a style that was very complimentary to the character he was playing, basically working like a bullying drill sergeant with clotheslines and the cobra clutch. What exactly was Kirchner’s style even supposed to be? They just took hippie jobber RT Reynolds and stuck him in combat fatigues. Sheik gets a suplex and goes to the camel clutch, but Dog saves and we get more dull fighting. Kirchner gets a suplex for a double down, but Dog gets the hot tag and runs wild. But he puts his head down and Volkoff stomps him down. Kirchner comes in for the brawl, but the ref escorts Dog out and Volkoff just BLASTS Kirchner with a chair from the floor and Sheik pins him at 12:00. Finish was pretty badass, but the match was just ass. DUD
Low quality of the last couple of matches aside, this was a HOT show with some bangers and well worth a watch. Thumbs up.