The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.16.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.16.94

Screw it, I haven’t done this show in a while anyway.

Taped from Wilkes-Barre PA, on 06.21.94

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler

Typhoon v. Yokozuna

Yoko attacks before Typhoon can even trip and fall into the ring, and chokes Uncle Fred down. Typhoon comes back with a clothesline and Yoko takes an awkward bump into the ropes and lands on the floor. AWKWARDNESS ALERT: Joey Marella is once again the referee here, despite dying in a car wreck two weeks earlier. Back in, Yoko with more choking. Maybe they should just call him CHOKE-O-ZUNA. No wait, that would be Lex Luger. Yoko unleashes some judo chops on Typhoon, not quite a clubbing forearm, sadly, but Typhoon clotheslines him out of the corner for two. Elbow gets two. Yoko tries a slam and Typhoon falls on top, but Crush comes out and trips Typhoon for the DQ at 3:57. WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe Crush was the one behind the wall who tripped up Shockmaster! I knew we’d find the real culprit if we dug deep enough! Heel beatdown follows, for no reason, and leads to nothing. 1994 in a nutshell. This was awful. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, on that Monday night show, Bret Hart defends the WWF title against 1-2-3 Kid in a banger, as the kids say.

Meanwhile, Duke the Dumpster is all excited about being interviewed by WWF Magazine.

Razor Ramon v. Barry Hardy

Razor gives up his gold before the match, and thanks to the magic of high resolution digital coding, I can reveal that he tells the ring attendant to call Merrick Garland if Donald Trump steals it. Razor quickly hits the backdrop suplex off the middle and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 1:50. 0 for 2.

SUMMERSLAM UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Brought to you by Domino’s Pizza! You don’t say. But we have BREAKING NEWS, as Bret Hart will defend the WWF title against Owen Hart in a cage match. Bret Hart lets us know that having Jim Neidhart as backup is a big mistake, especially at The Summerslam.

Jeff Jarrett v. Russ Greenberg

Jim Ross is now going with the story that Owen Hart’s WM victory over Bret was a fluke and he’s a coward who is hiding behind Neidhart. How is that supposed to make us want to see the cage match? Greenberg misses a bodypress and Jeff hits him with a dropkick, but Greenberg gets another flurry with a slam and a dropkick. But then he misses another one and Jarrett works the leg and finishes with the figure-four at 2:22. 0 for 3.

Meanwhile, Bob Backlund talks us through his career path in the WWF and challenges Bret Hart to a WWF title match. Well that was not one that anyone expected to catch fire.

The Headshrinkers v. Nick Barbary & Mike Bell

Lawler reveals that after the Bret Hart commercial with the stupid kid, Bret walked through the curtain and was so blinded by the spotlight without his glasses that Lawler was able to roll him up and pin him. The Shrinkers double-team Bell in the corner and beat him down, and Fatu gets two. Samu comes in with a headbutt and then picks up Bell at two and then hits him with a DDT while JR no-sells all of King’s hilarious jabs at Oklahoma. Flying Fatu splash finishes at 3:32. 0 for 4.

Meanwhile, we meet Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz, famous baseball player who paints his face like a baseball. I will say, the idea of hyping up the debut of a new character and then basically having him spend his time “on strike” was at least mildly witty on some level. I don’t actually remember ever seeing him wrestle in the gimmick and only knew about the gimmick change from PWI.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Tatanka, who immediately accuses Lex Luger of selling out to Ted Dibiase. Shawn doesn’t want any vicious and untrue rumors on his show! Well there’s some irony. So Shawn demands proof, and Tatanka shows a video of Ted Dibiase claiming to have signed Luger. Look, if there’s one thing we know about Luger, it’s that he would never put money over loyalty. Shawn and Diesel having an over the top sarcastic celebration of this announcement is the kind of stuff that get them over. But then Tatanka points out that Diesel is defending his title against Luger on RAW next week and insinuates that maybe Dibiase wants the IC title, too.

Sparky Plugg v. The Black Phantom

The kid doing the ring announcing is so bad that even the announcers are riffing on him. Plugg gets a hiptoss and dropkick, and drops a leg on the Phantom before going to a chinlock. Meanwhile, Lawler reels off conspiracy theories about All-American Lex Luger buying high value items that are made in….GASP….FOREIGN COUNTRIES. Rolex is made in Switzerland? Huge if true. Plugg finishes with a bodypress at 1:00. 0 for 5.

Next up, they actually attempt to recap the Undertaker v. Undertaker storyline to fill some time on this show that already feels like it’s 18 hours long. SPOILER: The story still doesn’t make any fucking sense. They don’t even attempt to explain what’s happening, they just show clips from the previous episodes.

Nikolai Volkoff v. PJ Walker

Volkoff gets some suplexes on PJ and then gets a Boston Crab to finish at 1:30. I really hope that they offered to have Dibiase personally give refunds to the poor bastards who had to pay for tickets to these tapings. 0 for 6.

Meanwhile, The Smoking Gunns play basketball because THE NEW GENERATION.

NEXT WEEK: Jim Neidhart! Tatanka! Bam Bam Bigelow! 1-2-3 Kid v. Jeff Jarrett! For those keeping track, Jim Ross had been teasing Jerry Lawler with a major announcement that he couldn’t reveal until the very end of the show, and that announcement turned out to be the Kid-Jarrett match. That’s what we’ve come to on these.