The SmarK Rant for GLOW – 02.05.88
Freed from actually having to write about stuff that people want to read, we return to the GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING from Tubi TV! Once again, this is the third season on there, so you’re missing all of the actual stuff that people remember and it’s post-McLane.
Taped from Las Vegas, NV
“Ninotchka’s Reign, Part 3”
In your OPENING GAG, the referee informs the locker room People magazine offered to do a story on them, but he talked them out of it.
Tiffany’s GLOW Gossip: Someone is alleged to be going around with a revolving door salesman! Hopefully she has some solid sources for that one. That’s about the highlight here.
Beastie v. Justice
Beastie is the Road Warrior analog, while Justice is appears to be representing the Guardian Angels. The announcer explains that she was a police officer in Harlem who couldn’t deal with all the corruption in the police force, so she went rogue and became a vigilante. Beastie gets a slam and goes up while we get an inset promo from Beastie, who snorts as her big highspot. Justice pulls her down and they roll around on the mat pulling hair while Justice does her inset about “law and order”, as though that gimmick would ever get over, and Beastie pulls her to the floor and runs her into the post. The announcer notes that Beastie’s only move thus far is “the flapping tongue”. I’m just gonna leave that one alone. So they head to the floor again and Beastie runs her into a advertising board and smashes that vicious piece of poster board on her. But then Justice gets the big spot of the show, putting Beastie THROUGH A TABLE with a death valley driver for the double countout at 4:00. Like, a legit table spot on this trainwreck of a show in 1988. They continue to brawl into the crowd while the ring announcer demands security. Isn’t that supposed to be Justice’s job? 1 for 1.
Meanwhile, Dr. Grope received an award for giving vaccinations, and it was a real shot in the arm.
Broadway Rose & Dementia v. Thunderbolt & Lightning
Dementia is the axe-wielding serial killer of the promotion, and Broadway Rose is the resident kleptomaniac. During the ring introductions, announcer Johnny C engages in some pretty serious accusations against Rose, first calling her a shoplifter and then accusing her of stealing items from the good girl locker room, such as Justice’s hat and Tiffany’s credit card. This guy seems to know a whole lot about the personal possessions of the women’s locker room, no? Seems pretty sus, as the kids say on TikTok these days. Thunderbolt and Lightning are apparently comic book heroes come to life, although they wear the same spandex outfits as everyone else. Lightning does some flying moves on Dementia, who no-sells everything and chokes her out like she’s Undertaker. Over to Broadway, who the announcer clarifies is the head of several gangs in New York City. Thunderbolt gets a hot tag and we get an inset rap when she comes in. Why doesn’t Kevin Dunn ever try that to build heat? Broadway cuts her off with a giant swing and chokes her out of the ropes, as the announcer keeps saying that she’s a “street fighter” who uses “alley tactics”. While wearing a leotard and glitter in her hair, of course. Aunt Kitty distracts the ref and the match is even bigger mess, with everyone wandering around the ring, but the babyfaces get dropkicks and Thunderbolt pins Dementia at 5:33. Oh, and they steal the bag of allegedly shoplifted items back. Whew. Remember, kids, two wrongs make a right. 1 for 2.
Godiva’s Bare Facts: The big punchline is that Zsa Zsa Gabor gets married a lot. Saved you some time.
MTV’s Disco: The good girls are so dumb that they thought a flute was broken because it had holes in it! Huge if true.
Sally the Farmer’s Daughter v. Hollywood
Hollywood chokes her out with a chair as they brawl on the floor. Bet you didn’t know that WWF stole the Attitude Era from GLOW. So they fight and smash into the pillar, which gets wrecked for the second time in this show, and security breaks it up. For sparing us from seeing the match, they’re the true heroes and they earn a point. 2 for 3.
Beastie’s Beanery: A patron thinks she could call it “the Boomerang” because whatever you order always come back. Then why are you eating there? Sounds like your own fault.
Big Bad Mama v. Cheyanne Cher
Cher is actually a double gimmick, doing both the Native American act as well as being a cheerleader when teaming with Vicky Victory. Cher climbs on Mama and tries what I assume is a victory roll, but Mama slams her down and Cher bounces off her with more attempts at offense that get no-sold. Mama retrieves her trusty voodoo doll and uses it to compel Cher into doing a gymnastics routine with dark forces of evil. I’m reminded of the GI Joe episode where Cobra was controlling the Joes with what appeared to be an Atari joystick. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT GEN X-ERS. So Mama compels Cher to go to the top rope and hit the referee with a flying bodypress, and then she splashes and pins Cher at 4:30. I mean, it was a solid plan, you have to give her that. 2 for 4. If Papa Shango had used that strategy he might have been World champion.
Easy As KGB: Ninotchka’s cohort Vladimir confuses a dock with a doctor because Russians are so dumb!
GLOW Crown: Ninotchka v. Tiffany Mellon
Tiffany tries for a sleeper and Ninotchka slams out of it, so Tiffany cradles her for two. Ninotchka puts the boots to her in the corner, but Tiffany fights her off and tries a bodypress, which Ninotchka counters with a slam. Sort of. It didn’t go well. Ninotchka takes a bump to the apron and takes Tiffany to the floor for yet another brawl on this show, but they fight to the top rope and Ninotchka brings her back in with a superplex to finish at 4:10. It’s funny because Ninotchka was, like, competent and looked like the Young Bucks out there compared to everyone else as a result. 3 for 5.
So now we know where WWE stole all their best ideas from!