The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.09.94
Taped from Wilkes-Barre PA, on 06.21.94. For those playing at home, Vince had begun the worst few months of his life at this point.
Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Glad to see JR has a steady gig again, where he will no doubt stick around for a long while. In a minor note that they don’t usually flub, they do a green screen with JR & King watching the entrance for the first match at the desk and doing the show intros, but Lawler isn’t wearing a headset and wouldn’t have any way for us to hear him if it was a real setup.
“The Undertaker” v. Tatanka
Faker attacks to start and chokes him out in the corner, then follows with a big boot. He does the old school ropewalk, but looks very stiff and robotic doing it, and we get more choking in the corner. Tatanka fights back with chops and gets cut off with a drop toehold and the smother claw. He’s literally just standing there holding Tatanka’s jaw, but Tatanka somehow fights out of that and makes the comeback. Tatanka fights back with chops, but Faker cuts him off again until a flying chop finally puts him down. And then the hair is out of his face and you can clearly tell it’s Brian Lee. But then he pops up and finishes with the tombstone at 6:20. This was Brian Lee trying to remember his moves and having to go really slowly. 0 for 1.
SUMMERSLAM UPDATE: The main event of Summerslam is Undertaker v. Undertaker. That’s the entire buildup for the match, which is still weeks away at this point. They still hadn’t even established that the guy we just saw is the fake one, and already we jump to him fighting the “real” one. That’s barely even a storyline.
Mabel v. The Black Phantom
Once again we cut directly to the start of the match in order to edit out anyone saying “Whoomp There It Is”. I’d rather we just edit Mabel matches out completely. I mean, it literally has the phrase right on his gear! The Phantom tries a headlock and Mabel throws him off while the announcers try to figure out what Undertaker v. Undertaker is supposed to mean. Spoiler: No one ever figures it out and they never explain it, or explain who the fake Undertaker was even supposed to be. Was he just some guy who happened to have the powers of the Undertaker that Dibiase found? What happened to him after he lost? Is he homeless and wandering the streets using his powers to turn the traffic lights off and on with spooky magic? Mabel finishes with a legdrop at 2:05. 0 for 2.
Live Event News: Bret Hart defends the WWF title against 1-2-3 Kid on Monday Night RAW this week. Not sure how that’s live event news.
Diesel v. Chris Canyon
Well hello there. Two layers of stuff to unpack here. Obviously Chris Canyon grew up to become a much bigger star, although he’s got a pretty great look here early in his career. However, in a much more morbid note, this match features the refereeing of Joey Marella, who had been killed in a tragic car accident on July 3 and unfortunately doesn’t get any kind of mention or obituary as a result of taping cycle inconvenience. I mean, they REALLY should have just edited the match out and did highlights from RAW or a Challenge match or something instead here. In fact, it gets even worse because Joey refereed ANOTHER set of Superstars tapings on July 3, the night he was killed on the way out of town, so he’s all over the shows for another couple of months. Diesel beats on Canyon in the corner with knees, and JR calls him “Chris Cannon”. Good thing he doesn’t mess up names on TV these days. Canyon gets tossed and takes a wicked flat back bump to the floor, before Shawn gets a cheapshot and throws him back in. Diesel with the sideslam and he follows with Snake Eyes and a gut wrench slam. Big boot sets up the Poochiebomb at 3:00. 0 for 3.
Next week: Typhoon wants revenge for Yokozuna putting Earthquake out of the WWF! Was that even the storyline? I don’t recall Yokozuna doing anything to Quake.
WWF Women’s title: Alundra Blayze v. Luna Vachon
Luna whips Blayze into the corner for a Flair Flip and she takes Luna to the floor with her, but Luna quickly cuts her off with a Boston crab in the ring. Blayze makes the ropes and Luna pulls her back again, but Blayze reverses to a cradle for two. Luna takes her down and works on the leg, but she misses a charge and Blayze rolls her up for two. Luna catapults her under the ropes and follows with a neckbreaker, and a pump splash gets two. Luna goes up and misses a flying splash, and Blayze bulldogs her and finishes with the german suplex at 3:45. Blayze just wasn’t a particularly likeable babyface. 0 for 4. She got better once they started bringing in her Japanese opponents and letting her work how she wanted, at least.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart is busy getting ready for his big match, but some kid yells at him, so Bret gives him his glasses to shut him up. Covering up the tears in his eyes, no doubt. Fun fact: That kid grew up to be FTR.
Owen Hart v. Gary Scott
JR is now spreading the false narrative that Jim Neidhart is entirely behind the entire Hart family split, even though he didn’t show up until two weeks prior and Owen had already turned on Bret months earlier. Jim Neidhart could barely mastermind a game of Old Maid. Also that completely marginalizes the push that Owen was getting, basically saying that he owed it all to Bret’s estranged partner. The jobber gets some offense, but Owen cuts him off with a backbreaker and stomps him down on the ropes, and then goes up with a missile dropkick and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 2:35. 0 for 5.
Meanwhile, we get a video about Bret Hart, who lets us know that he’s going to defend against every top contender in the WWF! And Sean Waltman apparently.
Duke Droese v. Jim Massenger
Droese is from “Mt. Trashmore, Florida”. Now, aside from this being a stupid name, there is apparently a real place called “Mount Trashmore”, but it’s a park in Virginia that was built on top of a landfill. Regardless, Droese remains the epitome of the lazy 90s gimmick generator, only topped by the likes of Freddie Joe Floyd and TL Hopper in 1996, with the difference being that Droese was supposed to be a legitimate pushed babyface threat and not a deliberate joke. Droese overpowers Massenger and slams him into a legdrop. At this point I’m so desperate for something interesting to talk about that I take notice of Massenger’s gear and body looking exactly like that of Hack Myers and check to see if maybe they’re the same person, but NO. I couldn’t be that lucky, he’s just nobody. Lawler’s big joke here is drawing flies on the screen with the teleprompter, by the way, because Droese is SMELLY, you see. Because he’s a garbageman. Duke finishes with an elbowdrop at 1:44. 0 for 6.
Meanwhile, some doofus “wins” a co-hosting gig on WWF Mania with Todd Pettengill, which seems more like a punishment. Hilarity ensues.
Next week: Typhoon v. Yokozuna, in case you had forgotten already. This is gonna be a LOOOOOOOOOONG buildup to Summerslam.