The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 07.13.85
I feel like a lot of this was already covered in clipped form on the Best of the WWF tapes somewhere, but damn this is a loaded show regardless. And really there’s still years of MSG shows they can dump on there 8 at a time.
Taped from Madison Square Garden
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Lord Alfred Hayes
Rowdy Roddy Piper cuts a promo on “Mr. Blunderful” from the locker room, and he’s pretty sure Paul is in trouble.
Moondog Spot v. Ivan Putski
I’m thinking this won’t fall into the category of Moondog Spot Hidden Gems either. Man, if only Bill Watts had decided to bring in Spot to be the Nightmare instead of Rex, that whole period might have been far more watchable. And Larry Latham was a Memphis guy, too! Spot gets a headbutt in the corner, but Ivan grabs a headlock while Gorilla and Alfred reminisce about getting headlocked and how much they hated it. I always enjoy when the commentators talk like real people and share actual life experiences instead of whatever Vince is yelling in their earpiece in the name of “telling stories”. Spot escapes the headlock and Putski puts him down with a shoulderblock and goes back to the headlock again. BREAKING NEWS: Putski just returned from a “very successful oriental tour” where he went undefeated. Putski’s actual won-loss record from 1985 would indicate that both portions of this story are a complete fabrication. Maybe he was working a show for the Wrestling Entertainment Series people. Spot gets a cheapshot and goes up with an elbow off the middle rope for two. Spot with an atomic drop and he goes to a chinlock, but Ivan fights out, so Spot counters the Polish Hammer with a forearm to the head and that gets two. That was pretty cool. Backbreaker gets two. Back to the chinlock, but Putski fights up and gets an atomic drop after an awkward reversal, but then he misses an elbow and Spot gets two. Spot goes up with his own elbow for two. Back to the chinlock and Putski fights up again, so Spot superkicks him and then blocks a blind charge, resulting in a double down. Putski makes the comeback and slugs away in the corner, leaving Spot tied up in the ropes. Putski keeps giving him shots, so Spot frees himself and puts Putski down with a cheapshot. But then he makes the fatal error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, while turning his back on Ivan no less, and walks into the Polish Hammer at 13:55. NEVER POINT TO YOUR HEAD! Just do really well on Wordle and rub it in that way instead. Anyway, this doesn’t quite crack the pantheon of Moondog Spot Hidden Gems, but not for lack of trying from Spotty, who was working his ass off trying to get something out of Putski. **1/2
The Missing Link v. Rick McGraw
Damn, the Missing Link has this whole body of work in 1985 that I never even knew about. Bobby Heenan is still managing the Link and still frustrated by Link’s lack of attention to his managerial advice. In particular Link tries to bring chairs in the ring and Bobby has to grab them and chastise him. McGraw grabs a headlock and throws forearms to start, then hits a dropkick that results in Link doing a sell that defies the laws of physics. But Link hits him with a headbutt to knock him silly and goes up with another flying headbutt before grabbing his chair again. Heenan once again talks him out of it, but that allows McGraw a chance to fight back. But he misses a blind charge and Link springboards out of the corner with a headbutt to finish at 2:25. McGraw was game here and this was pretty entertaining for the time it got. **1/2 Link threatens to smash his own head into the ringpost in celebration and Bobby prevents that. “The fans want to see it, let him do it!” declares Gorilla. And that’s why everyone in the 80s got concussions.
Pedro Morales v. Rene Goulet
The running joke of Goulet’s sequined glove going missing continues here. Gorilla notes that Pedro still sends his mother money every week. Sadly there is no heel commentator to quip that bail must be expensive back in Puerto Rico, but that’s why I’m here. Goulet stalls for the first few minutes until Pedro headlocks him and hangs onto that. And holds it. AND HOLDS IT.
Goulet reverses out to a leglock and they lay around on the mat for another 10 minutes it feels like. Pedro somehow fights out of that and Goulet drops an elbow on him and goes to work in the corner. Pedro gets all worked up, so Goulet walks away and stalls, and then rakes the face and stomps him down to take over. Suplex gets two. Goulet with the SCORPION CLAW, but Hayes points out that Pedro has a “big thick head”, which should temper the effectiveness of the hold. Goulet also grabs the ropes to keep him down, and I’m curious how the physics of that are supposed to be working, but we’ll go with “Because wrestling” and leave it at that. Pedro fight out of the temple massage and slugs away in the corner to make the comeback, and that gets two. Small package finishes at 13:00. This was two 70s guys having a 70s match. *
Adrian Adonis v. Jose Luis Rivera
Adonis takes him down and grabs a leglock to start, while Adrian’s new manager Bobby Heenan joins the commentary desk here and there. Rivera gets an armbar on Adonis, but Adrian takes him down with a flying headscissors and holds him on the mat. Rivera comes back with the armbar again, and you can really see New York Adrian getting bigger and turning into Adorable Adrian. Adonis tries a suplex and kind of drops Rivera in the ropes in an ugly botch, and Rivera sort of bails to the floor off that. Back in, Adrian beats on him with chops, and Bobby approves of that, and Adrian drops a knee for two. Adonis with the DDT, which the announcers call an “underarm piledriver”, and Adrian continues to put the boots to Rivera as the fans get distracted by a fight in the stands. Adonis with a back suplex for two. Adonis tosses him and runs him into the post, but Rivera necksnaps him to make the comeback. But he immediately misses a blind charge and Adrian bulldogs him and finishes with the ATOMIC NOOGIE at 10:25. Holy crap, Slaughter actually stole that move from Adonis? I’d be lying if I said I had that one on my bingo card. I bet Adonis stole it from someone in Japan as well. Match was boring and Adonis wasn’t moving very fast in this one. *
Junkyard Dog v. Cowboy Bob Orton
Orton retreats and stalls for a bit to start, and is unable to knock Dog down in the ring. He also misses a dropkick and Dog chases him to the floor with headbutts. Back in, Orton tries to use the cast and Dog cries to the ref and complains about unfair treatment. Man up and hit him in the broken arm, then! So we get a whole deal where Orton and ref argue about the cast to waste more time. Dog headbutts him to take over and beats on him in the corner before going to a chinlock. Orton escapes with a backbreaker and goes up for a splash, but Dog punches him from his back. You can break your arm that way, that’s a pretty stupid counter in kayfabe. Orton throws Dog out to cut off the comeback, and slugs him down back in the ring for two. Dog fights back with a clothesline for two and punches him out to the floor. Orton tries to suplex Dog from the apron, but JYD reverses him back into the ring. Orton goes up and uses the cast on Dog to knock him out, but the ref apparently declares this a DQ at 13:50 and awards the match to the Dog. Well that’s a dumb finish. He didn’t even see Orton using it! Orton was trying here but JYD was such a mess at this point.
Terry Funk v. Leaping Lanny Poffo
Funk beats on Poffo to start, but Lanny threatens retaliation and does a backflip, which has Terry falling down in shock. So Terry pounds on him with some nasty chops and whips Lanny into the corner, but Poffo reverses and Funk takes an upside down bump and bails to the floor. Back in the ring, Funk wants a test of strength, but Poffo rolls backwards to reverse it and then backflips out of a wristlock and applies his own armbar. Finally Funk takes him to the floor with a monkey flip and puts the boots to him while laying the badmouth on him. Apparently he’s a pig is what I’m getting from Funk here. Back in, Funk tries an atomic drop, but Poffo reverses to his own and Funk takes another wacky bump to the floor. Back in, Funk uses his famous worked punch in the corner to take over, hopefully not hitting him as hard as he did to poor Cactus Jack, and he pulls Poffo out of the corner and teases a figure-four. Poffo escapes from that, so Funk beats on him with elbows, and Poffo mounts a comeback of his own. But then Funk grabs his hair and delivers two headbutts, which then knocks himself silly as he takes another bump to the apron. He actually gets a suplex on Poffo from the inside to the outside, as Poffo thankfully lands on his feet while taking the bump so as not to die. Back in the ring, Funk with a spinning, delayed suplex, which gets two. That was a cool move. Funk with a neckbreaker for two. Poffo comes back with a sunset flip for two and makes another comeback, slugging away in the corner, and Funk gets hung in the corner, which allows Poffo the chance to kick him to the floor. Back in, Poffo with a moonsault for two. Yes, in 1985. Funk slugs on him, but Poffo takes him down with a rana for two. So Funk puts the boots to him and catches him with a sleeper this time, but Lanny fights out of that, until Funk takes him down again and this time Poffo is out at 13:15. This was a HELL of a match. ****
Meanwhile, Roddy Piper confuses Gorilla with the Good Humor Man and orders ice cream. Also Brutus Beefcake predicts that he’ll take care of George Welles in under 2 minutes. 3 tops.
Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Paul Orndorff
They slug it out immediately as the crowd goes BANANA and Piper tries to run away, but Orndorff beats his ass and hauls him back in for more of the same. Orndorff cranks on the arm, so Piper slaps him in the face, and that just angers Paul even more. Orndorff misses a blind charge and Piper takes over with a clothesline as they’ve got NUCLEAR heat from the crowd tonight, and Piper puts the boots to him in the corner and beats on him with knees. Orndorff with a backslide for two, but Piper pokes him in the eye after showing him the two fingers for the two count. Now THAT’S clever. Piper tosses him to the floor and puts the boots to him, but Orndorff fights back and Piper runs him into the post. Back in, Piper with a facelock, which Lord Alfred worries might be a “carotaroid hold”. Sounds terrifying. Piper takes him down again with a side headlock and they do a pinfall reversal sequence, leading to Paul getting a backslide as Piper rolls into the ropes. They slug it out in the corner and Orndorff wins that easily and drops an elbow, but he tries a crossbody and they tumble to the floor. Orndorff beats the count and hauls Piper in by the hair while smashing his head into the apron, and then drags him over the top rope by the hair and drops him facefirst onto the mat. And then Bob Orton comes in for the disappointing DQ at 8:35, just as the match was hitting fifth gear. So Orton beats on Orndroff with the cast, busting him open, while Piper slaps the referee around, and sadly Mr. Wonderful has no friends to save him at that point. Finally the British Bulldogs take pity on him and make the save while the fans throw trash at Piper out of anger. Now that is HEAT. So this was fantastic. ***1/2
Swede Hanson v. Iron Sheik
Geez talk about a cooldown match after that last one. Sheik attacks him right away and chokes him out with the headdress while Gorilla continues to fabricate stories, saying that Sheik was “a former WWF champion” just a year ago. Well that’s obviously nonsense. Swede comes back with a slam and drops a knee on Sheik for two, but Sheik loads up the boot and kicks Swede for the pin at 2:30. Alfred declares this to be “sheer skullduggery”. Now see, I would think that word came from something like Jeremy Piltdown, the conman who pretended to dig up the skull of the Piltdown Man, but it actually derives from a Scottish word called “sculduddery”, which is apparently referring to unlawful fornication, and just got turned into an Americanized version hundreds of years later. This match can certainly go sculdud itself. DUD
George Steele v. Nikolai Volkoff
Here’s another trainwreck incoming. George attacks to disrespect Volkoff’s singing of the Soviet national anthem, as Gorilla notes that Animal came out of nowhere. They literally followed him from backstage to the ring! Scorsese could have stolen the Goodfellas nightclub shot from this one. Gorilla is a fountain of misinformation on this show, first making up the story about Iron Sheik being WWF champion and now this. Steele bites him in the corner, but Nikolai gets a cheapshot and beats George down in the other corner. Steele hits Volkoff in the southern USSR and tears up the turnbuckle, but Steele goes after Blassie and gets hit with the cane as a result. So Albano intervenes and Blassie kicks HIS ass too, and then beats on George as well. Why would you mess with a guy that carried a fork in his tights for 40 years? And everyone gets counted out at 4:15. Complete junk. -**
Brutus Beefcake v. George Wells
Gorilla notes that Wells is a “ring veteran and superstar in his own right”. He’s on fire with the whoppers tonight. Brutus attacks and chokes Wells out on the ropes, and then takes him down with a headlock on the mat. George reverses to an armbar and Brutus tries to slam out of it, but Wells hangs on. Meanwhile Gorilla rages against having managers at ringside, but Alfred actually thinks that you shouldn’t punish the heels just because they’re smart enough to have someone to watch their back. Brutus tosses Wells, and back in for a facelock as Alfred wants to use “one of those guns they use in baseball” on Wells. What, the pitching machine? That’s pretty sadistic. Wells hangs onto an armbar, but Brutus throws him out and Wells slowly skins the cat and takes Brutus out with a headscissors. Buddy, you’re no Ricky Steamboat. You’re barely Vic Steamboat. Back in, Wells with some football tackles, the move he’s good at, but he goes after Johnny V and Brutus hits him with the high knee and pins him at 7:32. ½*
Next month: The US Express defends their newly won tag team titles against the team of Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake! John Studd faces Uncle Elmer! Roddy Piper & Bob Orton v. Paul Orndorff & A Mystery Partner! I’d be more intrigued if the thumbnail for the show hadn’t already spoiled that one.
The Hart Foundation v. The British Bulldogs
After debuting the megaphone gimmick in the June MSG show, Jimmy has already upgraded it to the fully decorated version we all know and love. Bret and Kid fight for the lockup to start and Kid takes him down with armdrags as Gorilla is already sick of Jimmy Hart’s megaphone, so Jimmy makes sure to go over and do it right by his head. Kid sends Bret to the floor off a hiptoss, and it’s over to Neidhart. Anvil overpowers Kid, so Davey Boy comes in and the Bulldogs double-team Neidhart. Neidhart with the test of strength, but Davey dropkicks him, so Bret comes in and puts Davey down with a knee to the gut to take over. Bret with a backbreaker and the hair slam on Davey (Jimmy: “He wasn’t pulling hair, ref, it was your imagination”) but the Harts collide by accident and it’s over to Dynamite. He cleans house and backdrops Anvil, then returns the hair slam on Bret, at which point Jimmy starts freaking out about pulling hair. Bret takes the turnbuckle bump, which gets a huge reaction from the crowd, and that gets two. Kid goes up with a missile dropkick and gets a small package for two, but Anvil saves. Bret escapes a rollup and clotheslines Kid on the ropes to take over again, then follows with a Boston crab. Anvil comes in with a chinlock and Bret rolls up Kid, but Kid reverses to his own rollup and then can’t quite reach over for the tag. At this point my dad would be enraged because all Davey had to do was stand on the OTHER SIDE OF THE POST but instead he chose to be further away. Bret drags Kid back to the corner again and the Harts work him over some more, but Kid comes back with a sunset flip as the bell rings for curfew at 13:13. And that’s where we wrap up the show. Never really took off. ***1/4
Two great matches and one good one makes this an easy recommendation, although beware some of what you have to sit through to get there.