The SmarK Rant for Smoky Mountain Wrestling – 04.02.94

The SmarK Rant for Smoky Mountain Wrestling – 04.02.94

I always enjoyed these and now that I no longer care about stuff destroying my ad revenue and literally taking food out of my child’s mouth, I can go back to watching fringe redneck promotions from the 90s.

Taped from the Dungannon Elementary School in Dungannon, VA. Apparently a real place.

Your hosts are Dutch Mantell & Bob Caudle

The Rock n Roll Express join us to start, and Ricky Morton BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL and notes that this show is pre-taped, so the Bluegrass Brawl has already happened and we don’t know what’s going to happen there. HE’S BLOWING MY MIND, MAN! So Ricky throws to a tape of the Express facing Brian Lee and Chris Candido, which turns into a heel beatdown when Tammy Fitch uses her purse for bad results. So Ricky promises that they will either fly with the eagles or scratch with the chickens. I presume he’s flying with the eagles and leaving the other thing to Terry Taylor.

The THRILLSEEKERS v. Larry Santo & Mike Samson

Yes, Chris Jericho and Lance Storm are from the most thrilling country in the world, CANADA, where they defy death on a daily basis by driving the Coquihalla Highway in BC, WITHOUT TAKING A BATHROOM BREAK FIRST, and then going to a federal building in Alberta and demanding to be served in French before complaining loudly that they can’t understand what the person is saying. Jericho, who is allegedly the son of a hockey player according to information provided by Dutch, criss-crosses with Samson and then hits him with a DDT before popping to the top with a missile dropkick. Over to ol’ rat-tail, but Well Dunn comes down to surveil the thrill seeking competition. Storm trades hammerlocks with Santo and hits him with a flying shoulderblock, and then slams Jericho onto Santo for two. Jericho with a german suplex for two, and he goes up with an assisted moonsault for the pin at 3:40. The girls shrieked loudly for them. What woman WOULDN’T throw her panties at a hot Canadian piece of meat like Lance?

Meanwhile, we sit down with the Thrillseekers, as Jericho comes from a hockey background and Lance played volleyball. He does concede that normally volleyball players don’t make elite wrestlers. Well, until Charlotte. Jericho mocks Storm for sitting at home watching wrestling on his days off, while he’s in a rock band in his spare time. At this point it was called “Great Caesar’s Ghost”, by the way. They both want to stress that they’re not married at this point in their lives. That would be a BIG FAT LIE on Lance’s part because he married his wife in 1994. This by the way is the most painfully Canadian interview ever.

Meanwhile, Bob Armstrong gets an award in Marietta GA for being a goodwill ambassador for the city. He joins Bob Caudle back in the studio, as they discuss Jim Cornette’s supposed mystery man at the Bluegrass Brawl, who is promising to take Bob out of the sport. Bob notes that “jackasses don’t run with racehorses”, which is apparently a well known saying in whatever corner of the South that Bullet Bob comes from.

Jim Cornette joins us to retort, and he’s sick of Bob’s white knight approach to running SMW as Commissioner, and he reminds us again that this show is being taped before the Bluegrass Brawl so we can’t reveal who the mystery man is yet because it hasn’t happened. Well it has, but not at the time.

Beat the Champ TV Title: Mike Furnas v. Brimstone of the Infernos

Brimstone beats on Furnas in the corner, but Furnas puts him down with a clothesline and then hits a three point stance clothesline to finish at 0:54.

Down & Dirty with Dutch Mantell, with special guest Tammy Fitch. Tammy is tired of getting challenged by the Dirty White Girl, and offers a singles match if she comes out RIGHT NOW. So DWG does indeed come out, but Tammy clarifies that she didn’t mean a match against TAMMY, and the wrestler formerly known as Peggy Lee Leather from GLOW attacks until Dirty White Boy makes the save and chases them off.

Back at the desk, Tammy Fitch introduces Peggy Lee Leather, who apparently is still using that name and the same mullet and biker gear. I know, I was also shocked when she turned out to be super-gay in real life.

Bobby Blaze v. Prince Kharis

Yes, it’s the dreaded Egyptian mummy, managed by Daryl Von Horne, who ended up as Jim Mitchell in WCW and ECW years later. The mummy of course no-sells Blaze’s offense and chokes away in the corner, but Blaze slingshots back in with a leg lariat and goes up with a flying bodypress for two. Meanwhile Von Horne claims that he woke Kharis from a 3000 year old slumber to bring him to SMW. Now that’s an awesome destiny for an ancient mummy: Working the midcard of a wrestling show taping TV at an elementary school in Virginia. And Kharis loads up a forearm with something and knocks out Blaze at 2:50. This was tremendously wacky.

Dirty White Boy joins us at the desk, and he’s not concerned with people covered in toilet paper. Give it two years, Tony.

The Rock N Roll Express v. Brian Lee & Chris Candido

Candido slugs Morton down in the corner to start, but Ricky backdrops him and brings in Robert for a double team. Candido tries a monkey flip and Robert drops a fist on him and goes to the headlock for two. Over to Lee, and the RNR double-team him as well with double clotheslines in the corner and they pinball Lee before letting him retreat and tag in Chris again. Candido grabs a headlock on Gibson, but the RNR switch off on him while I ponder who has the better hair between Brian Lee and Tammy Fitch at this point. Back to Lee, who wants a test of strength, and Morton foolishly accepts. But then Robert slips in and hits Lee with a cheapshot while Morton has him stuck in the test of strength. Finally Lee cuts off Ricky with a lariat and goes to work with choking in the corner. Over to Candido, who dodges a blind charge while Dutch notes that Ricky Morton takes more punishment than anyone in wrestling. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, Dutch. Candido lures Gibson into the ring to distract the ref, and Lee switches in with a double axehandle and drops knees on his shoulder to work the arm. Lee with a Fujiwara armbar while Morton appeals to the shrieking women in the crowd for sympathy, and he finally fights back with a DDT on Candido. Hot tag Gibson and he runs wild with a NOGGIN KNOCKER, which leads to Candido clotheslining Lee by mistake. Double dropkick on Candido, but the ref escorts Gibson out, while Tammy comes in and goes after Morton. So Ricky kisses her, back when sexual assault was more acceptable on a show aimed at kids, but Candido hits him with the loaded purse and pins him at 10:30. Classic RNR here. ***

I really enjoyed this and I’ll keep going through what little lives on the WWE Network.