The SmarK Rant for WWF King of the Ring 94 – 06.19.94
Live from Baltimore, MD, drawing 12,000 and a 0.85 buyrate.
The WWE Network version appears to be the Coliseum Video edit, judging by Gorilla’s introduction.
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Macho Man and…oh. Oh yeah. Art Donovan. He immediately picks Razor Ramon for the eventual winner.
King of the Ring quarterfinals: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Razor Ramon
Savage notes that Razor v. Kwang was a physical battle and this will be the same kind of…uh…physicalness. Well I understood what he was going for. Razor flicks his toothpick at Luna, and Bam Bam rightfully attacks him for that kind of disrespect. Bigelow slams him and drops a leg on him, but he goes to the top and misses the diving headbutt. Razor slugs away in the corner and then crotches him on the post and follows with a bulldog for two. “What’s the girl over there screaming at?” wonders Donovan. Bigelow misses the enzuigiri and Razor charges him, but Bigelow tosses him to the floor. “He looks like he tore off the top rope!” notes Art. Indeed. Back in the ring, Bigelow beats on him for two and then hits the enzuigiri for two. “Did you see him do that thing and hit him with his feet?” wonders Art. At least I think that’s what he said. Bigelow with a torture rack, as Art wonders if he’s gonna throw the guy out of the ring. Well it’s a possibility I suppose. “Gorilla is he dead?” Well that got dark in a hurry. Razor fights back with a side suplex, which is amazing to Art because he thought the guy was dead before he suddenly got better. They slug it out and Razor wins that battle with a slam, but Bigelow fights off the Razor’s Edge and kind of falls backwards. Had he executed it, Savage would have given him the Trophy of Life. But then Bigelow goes up for a moonsault and Razor half-assed slams him off for the pin at 8:30 to advance. Finish was all kinds of messed up but this was a decent hoss fight opener. **1/2
Meanwhile, MOM looks past IRS to Razor Ramon and Mabel claims to be the real bad guy. Pretty sure that’s gimmick infringement. Yeah this was definitely a Coliseum Video drop-in.
King of the Ring quarterfinals: IRS v. Mabel
“Randy, is this one of the wrestlers? He looks like a businessman!” Whatever they were paying Donovan wasn’t enough. Can you imagine Max Caster managing MOM in 1994, assuming we had some kind of time machine to make that happen? He’d be making steroid trial jokes over a sick beat and probably get himself fired, sure, but it would be pretty hilarious. Mabel attacks to start as Art Donovan wonders HOW MUCH DOES THAT GUY WEIGH? The other guy only weighs half that amount! That’s unfair! IRS sends Mabel to the floor with a knee while Art wonders “who the guy in the white suit is”. Gorilla needs a minute and then realizes he’s referring to Oscar on the floor. “Did you guys enjoy doing this stuff?” Art presses further as Mabel takes a bump to the floor. Well we know Savage sure did. Maybe that’s what stoked his desire to come out of retirement, in fact! Irwin goes to a chinlock while Art notes that Mabel “has a lot of gold in his mouth. He must be a pretty wealthy fella!” I don’t know what you guys are thinking, this guy is AMAZING. He’s like having a drunk uncle on commentary. Mabel fights out of the chinlock and slugs back before making a comeback by basically running into IRS in various ways. Mabel with the Bossman slam for two, which was essentially him falling forward while IRS took the bump himself, and Mabel goes up and misses a splash, allowing IRS to pin him at 5:40. Yeah two finishes in a row where it’s “fat guy falls off the ropes” to start the show, tremendous. ½*
Meanwhile, Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji give Coliseum Video a rare opportunity to watch Crush and Yokozuna prepare for the tag title match. This consists of them sitting around in the locker room while Fuji gives them a peptalk.
King of the Ring quarterfinals: Tatanka v. Owen Hart
HOW MUCH DOES THIS FELLA WEIGH? I don’t even know which one Art is referring to. I assume Tatanka because he’s bigger? Tatanka gets a backdrop for two right away and a suplex gets two. Art finally clarifies that he was wondering about Tatanka’s weight, and Savage patiently explains that it’s about 260. Owen grabs a headlock, but Tatanka hiptosses him and follows with a Ricky Morton armdrag. Props to Owen Hart for the full pink gear here, it’s pretty slick. Tatanka works the headlock, but Owen throws him over the top rope and Tatanka lands on his feet in a twist you didn’t see often at the time. They slug it out on the floor and Owen runs him into the post. “He knocked the hell out of the ringpost!” notes Art. Back in, Owen chokes him out on the ropes, as Art suggests “a helmet with a facemask” for their own protection. Sound idea, especially given the later concussion problems. Owen with a gut wrench and missile dropkick for two. “They’re killing each other!” notes Art while Owen goes to a chinlock. Gorilla tries to explain the concept of a chinlock to Donovan but you’re fighting a losing battle, Gorilla. “They need more than three doctors out here, they need a regiment, Randy!” Savage wisely just ignores him and presses on, which is something we’ll see more of as we proceed. Tatanka fights out of the chinlock and Owen misses a blind charge, allowing Tatanka to hit a DDT for two. He goes up with the flying chop for two. Owen tries a moonsault press and Tatanka catches him with a powerslam for two. He keeps coming with chops, but tries a sunset flip and Owen sits down on him and gets the pin at 8:25 to advance. Nice little Bret callback there. This was actually a hell of a match given the time constraints and I’m enjoying this show much more than I remember at the time. ***1/4 “Hey Randy, there’s gonna be a lot of American Indians who are mad!” Well they’ve got a lot to be mad about, to be fair.
Meanwhile, Diesel has two words for Bret Hart: JACK KNIFE. A few years later and he’d be going somewhere else with that one. Also “Jack Knife” is a pretty good wrestling name if someone wants to steal it. WCW could have used that for Nash’s non-WWF trademarked gimmick name if they had wanted to!
King of the Ring quarterfinals: Jeff Jarrett v. 1-2-3 Kid
“They not as big as some of these other fellas, are they?” notes Art in an understatement. Also, JJ has a nice tan. Must’ve been down somewhere in the islands. “Who is this guy now, Randy?” wonders Art during Kid’s entrance, after Gorilla and Randy patiently explained THE ENTIRE GIMMICK to him 30 seconds before. THIS SHOW IS TREMENDOUS. This is better comedy than a million Danhausen matches. Jarrett pulls him to the floor and takes out the leg to start, and then whips the Kid into the corner back in the ring. Jarrett with a back elbow and a clothesline, which Art worries is going to kill someone. Dropkick misses and Kid gets a victory roll for two. Jarrett puts him down with a slingshot suplex and follows with a fistdrop, as Art is now thinking 1-2-3 Kid is gonna get straight up murdered by Jarrett. Kid with a leg lariat for two, but he goes up and misses a somersault legdrop. Jarrett declares that victory is his, but he misses a charge and Kid goes to the top. Jarrett cuts him off, but Kid gets a flying bodypress for two and makes the comeback. He misses another charge and lands on his head in the corner, setting up JJ’s figure-four, but Kid cradles for the pin at 4:38 to advance. Another short match that way overdelivered. *** And Jarrett hits him with a pair of piledrivers afterwards and Art demands that the Marines get called in to help. Don’t tell Shawn Michaels!
Meanwhile, Bret Hart has to watch the powerbomb delivered by Diesel one more time, in slow motion this time. And he’s not sure if he can kick out of another one. He’s still not telling who the mystery family member is, though. But he knows one thing: He’s been the victim of injustice before, and he’s not going to let Shawn Michaels do it to him again! Yeah, about that…
WWF title: Bret Hart v. Diesel
Obviously in retrospect this comes off as a big match, but if you were watching at the time Diesel had no chance to win here. And of course, the secret family member is Jim Neidhart, as Art Donovan wonders who this Shawn Michaels guy is. “Is he another wrestler?” Gorilla helpfully explains about the Hart Foundation and the family relationship for any new viewers or senile color commentators. “Look at the size of that guy!” Art notes about Anvil, while Savage explains that Neidhart is in fact a former purveyor of football. “Did Diesel play football as well?” Art wonders. Fair question. Diesel slugs away in the corner and gets the Nash choke, but he misses a blind charge and Bret crotches him on the top rope. Bret goes to work on him and a rollup gets two. Diesel misses an elbow while we get the following legendary exchange:
Art: “This is like David and Goliath out there!”
Gorilla: “Indeed, we know what happened in that story.”
Art: “Yeah, he hit him with a ROCK!”
Diesel chokes out Bret in the corner, but misses another charge, and Hitman goes for the knee and works on that. “He almost (something something) and hit the table down there” rambles Art and the others rightly just ignore him. Bret goes for the figure-four and Diesel shoves him out of the ring to escape, so Bret trips him up from the floor and wraps the knee around the post. Would have been a hell of a time to invent the ringpost figure-four, but Shawn clobbers Bret out of nowhere and then Anvil chases him off as Shawn tries to outwork everyone in the match while managing Diesel. Bret comes in with a bodypress and Diesel catches him in a bearhug and that looks bad. Bret bites to escape that and dumps him to the floor, but he tries a pescado and Diesel moves. That didn’t look great either. Back in the ring, Diesel goes to work on the back while Art wonders how these guys get out of bed in the morning. “You roll out of bed, and if it takes you a couple of extra days to do it, that’s what you do” notes Randy in a low key sad indictment of the wrestling lifestyle playing out on this very silly show. Diesel with a backbreaker and he drops an elbow for two as the pace and heat slows way down. I know, Kevin Nash killing a hot crowd, that’s unpossible! Diesel and Shawn get some cheapshots on Bret in the corner while Anvil “inadvertently” distracts the ref, and the Bret Hart Bump gets two for Diesel. Diesel with a short clothesline for two. “Hitman’s fighting two guys instead of one!” declares Art, speaking for all of us at home. Diesel with another backbreaker for two as Big Kev is looking lost and blown up out there, and Shawn proceeds to pull off a turnbuckle while Diesel gets a body vice on Bret. And Shawn can’t actually get it to come off because I’m guessing they forgot to gimmick it. Bret tries a sleeper and Diesel bumps the ref to escape and then goes back to finally undo that turnbuckle, but Bret sends him into it and makes the comeback. Bret with a pair of clotheslines for two off that. Legsweep and middle rope elbow gets two. Diesel escapes the Sharpshooter with help from Shawn, so Bret goes up with a clothesline for two. Backslide attempt turns into a small package for two. Diesel tries Snake Eyes and Bret slips out, so Diesel pus him down with the big boot. But he showboats and Bret rolls him over into the Sharpshooter, with Diesel easily making the ropes. Bret dropkicks him to the floor, so Diesel stops to beat on Anvil, while Shawn hits Bret with the belt behind the ref’s back. So Diesel drops an elbow for two and sets up for the Jackknife, but Neidhart runs in for the DQ at 22:55 and then freaks out and leaves while HBK and Diesel double-team Bret. Gorilla just chalks it up to Anvil’s usual insanity. This one took a while to get going but the whole ending sequence was AWESOME and made Diesel look like the top level star that they wanted him to be. **** “The referee is stealing the belt! Where’s he going with the belt?” wonders Art after a few minutes of blessed relief from his nonsense. OK, I’m over it now, time to shut him down and give him a fidget toy to play with or something.
Meanwhile, Todd gives Jerry Lawler “pseudo-respect” for finally finding someone with a bigger mouth than Jerry, in the form of Roddy Piper.
King of the Ring semifinals: Razor Ramon v. IRS
IRS gives him a verbal beatdown, calling Razor a “fool’s gold wearing tax fool tax cheating idiot” before the bell. Them’s FIGHTING WORDS! I think. Irwin slugs away in the corner to start and drops an elbow on him for two, but he charges and lands on the floor. “That like missing a trap block!” notes Art, laughing uproariously at his own joke. “Just like that, yeah, except completely different” notes Savage, clearly getting as tired of this as everyone else is. He’s got more patience than I’d have, I’ll give him that. They should have just quietly turned off Art’s mic after the WWF title match. Back in the ring, IRS goes to a chinlock and uses the ropes, but Razor somehow fights out of that. Razor throws him around by the tie, but IRS fires back with the Write Off clothesline. And then Razor just kicks him in the gut and puts him away with the Razor’s Edge at 5:00 to advance to the finals. There was literally no finishing sequence or comeback there. ½*
Meanwhile, in a Coliseum Video EXCLUSIVE, Bret Hart searches the back for Jim Neidhart. I’d look for the crack dealers if you’re trying to find him.
King of the Ring semifinals: Owen Hart v. 1-2-3 Kid
HOW MUCH DOES THIS FELLA WEIGH? “230, I think” sighs Randy. Despite all the piledrivers, 1-2-3 Kid still makes his way to the ring. Well we know multiple concussions never stopped Waltman before or after this. Owen baseball slides him at the bell and brings him in for a flying splash that gets two. Kid whips him into the corner and hits a moonsault press for two. Majastral cradle gets two. They trade wristlock takedowns and Kid puts him down with kicks for two. Owen with the enzuigiri for two. Kid with a northern lights suplex for two, although the ref counted three initially due to Owen getting his foot on the ropes. Owen bails and Kid dives onto him, and back in for a leg lariat, but Owen catches him with a german suplex in mid-air for two. Owen with the belly to belly for two. Kid with a victory roll for two, and Owen reverses for two. Kid tries a rana, but Owen spikes him with a powerbomb and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 3:30 to advance to the finals. This was probably the best match under five minutes you’ll ever see on PPV, just a non-stop sprint of big moves and near falls. ****
Meanwhile, Roddy Piper arrives in Baltimore and does a rambling promo about Jerry Lawler as a Coliseum Video EXCLUSIVE. He does get one funny line where he complains that the kid doing the Piper imitation just HAD to pick “Hell Comes to Frogtown”, the worst movie he ever did.
WWF tag team title: The Headshrinkers v. Yokozuna & Crush
HOW MUCH DOES THIS GUY WEIGH? Jesus, Art, the ring announcer LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU. That’s, like, 30% of his job! The heels try to headbutt the Headshrinkers and that goes badly for them, because Yokozuna lost his samoan genes when he turned fake Japanese. The Shrinkers clear the ring while Art complains that he can’t see “because the guy’s got the flag in the way”. YOU HAVE A MONITOR YOU CRAZY OLD BASTARD. Carrying on. Samu fights off Yoko and clotheslines him to the floor, and the heels regroup. Back in, Crush hits Fatu with a facebuster, but the head is too hard and Fatu pops up with a piledriver and goes up with a flying…whatever…forearm thing and that gets two. Headbutt maybe? But then Fuj the Stooge hits him with the flag and the heels take over. Crush with his own piledriver, and that only gets one because SCIENCE. Yoko comes in with the Hulkbuster for two. Crush with the VULCAN NERVE PINCH, which due to science should probably hurt like hell given his proven hand strength. But instead he just lets it go and slams Fatu, and Yoko comes in and misses a blind charge. The crowd chants “USA” for the Samoans, which is…hold on a sec, lemme check something…uh huh…uh huh…OK never mind. Samu gets the hot tag and they hit Yoko with a double superkick, but Samu goes up and Yoko rams himself into the post and crotches Samu as a result. Crush brings him down with a superplex. “Well there goes the ring!” notes Art. Yeah like a superplex would ever break the ring. AS IF. The heels double-team Samu some more, but Lex Luger comes out and makes faces at Crush to earn his Premium Live Event payday, and Samu rolls up Crush for two as a result. “Who’s the fella with the American flag?” wonders Art as they redo the rollup spot and Samu gets the pin this time at 9:39. Not sure what happened there. Match was thoroughly OK and inoffensive tag team wrestling. **1/4 I should note that Lex is wearing candy-cane colored workout spandex tights for his outfit tonight, which is certainly a brave choice for someone at his contract level.
Meanwhile, Owen Hart wishes his dad a Happy Father’s Day. Well that’s nice of him. Unless he was being sarcastic, in which case BOO.
King of the Ring: Owen Hart v. Razor Ramon
Owen decides to slap Razor around to start, which is certainly a choice, and Razor catches him with a slam for two. At this point Gorilla and Randy just ignore Art’s rambling completely. Razor catapults him into the corner and rolls him up for two, then takes him down with a headlock. Owen bridges out and tries a backslide, but Razor reverses to his own for two. Back to the headlock as Art continues being ignored by the other two in a low key tremendous development. Owen chokes him out on the ropes while Randy finally cracks and engages with Art like a poor 7-11 employee having to deal with a drunk guy trying to buy a hot dog at 2am in a 7-11 that doesn’t serve them. Razor with the fallaway slam for two. Owen goes up and Razor brings him down with the back suplex and tries the Edge, but Owen backdrops him to the floor to escape. And this brings out Jim Neidhart again, as he pretends to check on Razor and then turns on him, running him into the post and sending him back into the ring for a flying elbow from Owen to claim the King of the Ring title at 6:34. Hugely disappointing final match. *1/2 And the reunited New Foundation double-team Razor and give him a Hart Attack afterwards to cement Anvil’s heel turn. For those keeping track, this match was the final PPV appearance of Joey Marella before his death a couple of weeks later.
Meanwhile, Bret has no comment on what just happened. You KNOW he must be shocked then!
Back at ringside, Randy Savage explains the storyline reasoning for Anvil’s heel turn, and then Art asks a followup question and they GHOST him. That’s almost as hilarious as the earlier Art ramblings.
Owen Hart is crowned King of the Ring, and declares himself to be THE KING OF HARTS.
Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Jerry Lawler
I was hoping that they would have edited out this entire match for music rights reasons. Piper brings out the imitator from RAW, as if anyone could possibly give a crap about him being in the corner. Piper puts his kilt on Lawler’s head and slugs away to start while Lawler does his best to take bumps for both. They fight on the floor and Piper Jr. pokes Lawler in the eye. I don’t get the point of that bit at all. Lawler specifically hired the kid to clown on Piper, why are we suddenly supposed to feel bad for him? Back in the ring, Piper stomps Lawler down and puts him on the floor with an atomic drop and they continue their stop-motion animation battle out there as Lawler goes after the doofus in the skirt and Piper covers him up to protect him as this just gets exponentially worse by the second. And we’ve still got a ways to go. Lawler slugs away on Piper and chokes him out for two. Lawler with the sleeper to somehow slow it down even more, and a piledriver gets two. Lawler slugs away and Piper fights back with the bulldog. Ref is bumped on another try, because THAT is what this needed, a ref bump. Lawler goes into his tights for the phantom object and knocks Piper out, but the kid saves Piper. Thank god. And then Piper suplexes Lawler and pins him at 12:18. Woof. Piper had NOTHING to offer here. -***
Boy this one started good and sure went downhill by the main event. Regardless, I enjoyed the midcard much more than I remember and I’d call it a solid enough thumbs up given the dumpster fire of 1994 around it.