The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.11.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.11.94

Much like poor Johnny Depp crawling back to the bed pooper for further abuse, I keep coming back to this trainwreck. But at least it can’t get any WORSE this week, AM I RIGHT?

RIGHT?

Taped from Erie, PA, on 05.25.94 with about 3500 and heavy paper. This was during a period when they were cancelling a LOT of house shows due to poor advances as well.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Crush & Yokozuna v. The Smoking Gunns

So a week before King of the Ring, they finally put the tag team title challengers in a match on TV. The Gunns attack and chase them out of the ring with dropkicks to start, and the heels regroup. OK, here’s some wacky rebooking for you: What if the payoff of the silliness with Billy Gunn and the Acclaimed is that we learn Anthony Bowens is actually Mike Barton’s son, and that’s why Billy is paying so much attention to him? I’m pretty sure they could get Mike to make a cameo, and could probably pay him out of MJF’s salary. Billy hits Crush with a bulldog on the way back in the ring and the Gunns double-team him with a suplex, then drop double elbows for two. But then Bart gets trapped on the floor and double-teamed, apparently injuring his shoulder, and the heels go to work on him. Crush beats Bart down for two and we take a break, and return with Yoko holding the nerve pinch on Bart. Bart fights out and makes the hot tag to Billy, who hits Crush with an atomic drop and dumps him, and it’s ALL CATTYWAMPUS. The Gunns slug away in the corners, but Bart gets thrown out, so Billy has to fight off both men by himself. And Crush hits him with a press slam and Yoko drops the Hulkbuster on him for the pin at 7:34. Crush and Yoko had zero chemistry together but the Gunns were drastically improved from their early days and carried this well. 1 for 1.

Meanwhile, Stan Lane’s Live Even News puts over some award that the WWF got for their “Not Believable!” TV spots, which apparently earned an award for David Sahadi. David actually went on to be the Kevin Dunn of TNA. Now there’s a career accolade!

Doink the Clown v. Derek Stone

Stone grabs a headlock and Doink drops him on his head with a suplex and goes to work on the arm. He follows with a dropkick and wraps him up with a hammerlock, SHOOTING THE HALF for two. Belly to belly and Doink goes up with the Whoopie Cushion (complete with sound effects) at 1:57. Vince puts over the current tour, noting that’s “unquestionably the most successful international tour in WWF history”, which is complete bullshit but it was true that international dates were doing fine compared to the ridiculous high school gym level stuff they were doing in the US. 1 for 2.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Jerry Lawler interviews the kid who does the Roddy Piper impressions, although his accent switches back and forth during the promo. He’s got the vocal tics down pretty good, though. You see, apparently he’s making a sequel to “Hell Comes To Frogtown” and it’s called “Hell Comes to Dogtown” and it’s about Piper’s family.

Meanwhile, Roddy Piper phones in yet another rambling promo and promises to find the kid from the last segment and bring him to the PPV.

IRS v. Kenny Hendrix

That’s a good jobber name. This week’s top three tax cheats: Tatanka, Oscar, and Mabel. I’d like to see the paper trail on that claim. Huge if true. Irwin takes Hendrix down with a back suplex, but Kenny gets a bodypress for two. IRS takes him down and finishes with the STF at 0:58, however. 1 for 3.

KING OF THE RING UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Todd warns us not to wait for the last minute to order, because then you’ll be a FOOL and won’t be able to get through. Good thing they’ve worked out all those problems with PPV broadcasts here in the far future with our advanced streaming technology! Todd’s pop culture reference of the week: Jim Lange and the Dating Game. And of course we have BREAKING NEWS from RAW, as Tatanka beats Crush to advance to the finals in a stunning result that no one could have predicted. Also, Bret Hart was sitting at home and got a phone call from a family member, who will be watching his back at the PPV. If I was in a dark alley I’d probably want Ellie as my backup. Maybe it’s her?

Duke Droese (better known as the Dumpster) v. Reno Riggins

Duke sends Reno flying backwards with a shove and follows with a slam and delayed suplex. Elbow and bearhug follow, but Reno slugs out of it. See, now that could have been his finish as “The Trash Compactor”. Duke comes back with a side slam to finish at 1:50. LAME. 1 for 4.

Shawn Michaels and the Heartbreak Hotel presents special guest Ted Dibiase! Shawn talks about how ratings were “soaring” for the WWF thanks to him, which is hilarious given that Hogan was about to turn WCW’s TV business around and give Vince a heart attack. So Dibiase finally does what he’s been promising and produces THE UNDERTAKER. Sort of. I mean, he kind of looks like the Undertaker? I think? So “Undertaker” does a quick promo, with Brian Lee’s lines obviously overdubbed by Mark Callaway in post production. Anyway, as a start to the angle, this wasn’t bad. Brian Lee looked enough like Undertaker where you could plausibly think it was the same guy, and the idea of Undertaker suddenly realigning with Dibiase was intriguing. Unfortunately once Lee got in the ring, the whole storyline went down the tubes.

Jeff Jarrett v. Marty Garner

Jarrett beats on Garner and tosses him while 1-2-3 Kid does an inset promo where he sounds like a complete dork. Garner comes in with a bodypress for two and chases Jarrett to the floor, but he tries an Undertaker dive and lands right on his damn head. Back in, JJ quickly finishes him with the figure-four at 1:45. Well I have to give this poor idiot a point for guts if nothing else. 2 for 5. And then Lawler gives away the big twist of Maverick to be a jerk. I love that movie, actually.

Meanwhile, they continue the lie that the post-WM tour was “the biggest most financially successful live event tour in WWF history”. LOLWUT?

Next week: Razor Ramon! Owen Hart! The Headshrinkers! Diesel! Mabel v. Nikolai Volkoff!

Also there’s some kind of “Countdown to the Crown” show on USA with the Quebecers v. Headshrinkers that’s definitely not on the WWE Network. Well shit now I’ve gotta track that one down before next week.

A slightly less putrid edition of the show than last week at least.