The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.01.22
Live from Los Angeles, CA
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Excalibur & Jim Ross
CM Punk & FTR v. Max Caster & The Ass Boyz
Thankfully Caster gets the Amber Heard reference out of the way early. Kudos to Max for rhyming “Bret Hart is trash, boys” with “Hanging with the Ass Boyz” though. Austin starts with Uncle Dax and gets beat up for his troubles and double-teamed by FTR, as Cash drops an elbow for two. Colton comes in and Wheeler works his arm, and then waits for Caster to tag in and then brings in Punk with a double axehandle. Caster misses a blind charge and Punk brings him back to the corner for a double suplex into a powerslam from Cash that gets two. Caster hits Dax with a brainbuster and it’s back to the heel corner as the Gunns double-team him with a dropkick from Colton that gets two. Caster sets up Ass Daddy for a cheapshot on Dax, but he comes back and dives for the tag. And misses because they take out his partners. Double flapjack gets two for Colton and we take a break. Back with Caster trying a Sharpshooter and can’t get it, so it’s hot tag Punk and he nearly slips and falls coming into the ring. Well his title reign is already a failure. I’m ready for Hangman to win it back. Punk and Cash take turns with running knees in the corner and Punk backdrops Cash onto the heels outside, leaving Austin alone to take a flying elbow in the ring. Ass Daddy distracts Punk and Austin rolls him up for two, but FTR returns and hits the Big Rig for the pin at 11:24. A fun but somewhat sloppy opener. **3/4
Afterwards, Punk talks about never doing drugs but feeling like this must be how it feels. And then Dax is like “Oh yeah I’ve done all those things Punk hasn’t done, LOL” but he loves wrestling and it’s not putting up with people from other companies getting all up in his BUSINESS. So Punk wants to know who he’s got for Forbidden Door, and it’s TANAHASHI. Yeah that’ll work.
MJF joins us, somehow able to pull himself off his deathbed, and he’s in a lot of pain, which draws a babyface pop. So tonight he’s talking as Max Friedman, and he’s sick of not getting respect because he’s expected to hit grand slams every week and he does it every time. So he doesn’t want to be here anymore and the fans are a bunch of uneducated marks who tweet out their opinions on their phone but they don’t know shit. Also their opinions constantly change and everyone hates him because he doesn’t “pretend to watch New Japan” or “chase star ratings”. Also Tony Khan should stop spending money on all the “ex WWE guys he keeps bringing in”. And that draws GASPS from the crowd, at which point he demands to be fired and goes on a profane rant that forces them to cut off his mic and cut to commercial. WELL THEN. That was a thing.
Johnny Elite v. MIRO
Oh this is bad news for Johnny. My wife likes his sparkly jacket at least. Miro stomps the hell out of him and we take a break. Back with Johnny trying a bodypress and Miro is like, OK, nice try buddy. Machka kick misses and Johnny gets his own high kick to the bad neck and then follows with the springboard kick and a standing shooting star for one. Johnny goes up and misses a senton, and Miro boots him down again and it’s GAME OVER at 5:38. That’s exactly what you might as well use Johnny Elite for while you’ve got him. **
The Jericho Appreciation Society joins us to complain about Eddie Kingston trying to burn him, because Eddie’s not a Wizard like him. This brings out Eddie and his new mentor William Regal, and they want BLOOD AND GUTS. Jericho politely declines and sends the troops after Eddie, but that leaves Jericho alone, which allows Ortiz to attack him and CUT OFF JERICHO’S HAIR. So Jericho agrees to the match, if he can have a hair v. hair match with Ortiz first. And he’s going to burn Ortiz BECAUSE HE’S A WIZARD. In case you hadn’t heard.
Meanwhile, Jay Lethal attacks Samoa Joe yet again and reinjures his arm.
Bobby Fish, Kyle O’Reilly, Hikaleo and The Young Bucks v. Matt Hardy, Darby Allin, Christian Cage, Jungle Boy & Luchasaurus
JB gets the armdrags on Kyle to start, and then they double-team Fish and Nick Jackson. “Broken Hip” Matt Hardy comes in and slugs away on Matt Jackson, and then Christian adds some shots in the corner and a tornado DDT for two. Christian goes up and Fish brings him down, so Darby takes him off the apron with a rana to the floor and then all hell breaks loose with everyone diving to the floor, but the Bucks double-team Christian with the SUPERKICK PARTY and hit dives onto the floor as we take a break. Back with Luchasaurus getting the hot tag and running wild, setting up a destroyer from JB on Matt Jackson, but Hikaleo makes the save and drags the Bucks back to the corner so he can tag in. We get the HOSS FIGHT with Luchasaurus, but Darby gets a hot tag and runs wild on Fish and O’Reilly with corner splashes. But then he tosses Hikaleo and dives on him, and gets caught. reDRagon hits him with the Chasing the Dragon. In the ring, Matt Hardy goes wild with the turnbuckle smashes and hits the Twist of Fate on Hikaleo, but the Bucks return for the SUPERKICK PARTY and hit the Meltzer Driver on Jungle Boy for the pin at 11:56. And that’s your Dynamite Party Match for the week! **** So that sets up the Bucks for the next title shot, although Christian still doesn’t screw Jungle Boy over yet. Yet.
Meanwhile, Swerve and Keith Lee have famous friends apparently.
Athena joins Tony for her first promo, and she’s going to be the person to break Jade’s winning streak. So that brings out Jade and the Baddies, and we get a showdown with Athena, Anna Jay and Kris Statlander, which will no doubt be our Rampage main event.
Wardlow v. JD Drake
Drake gets some chops to start, but Wardlow winds up like Popeye and clobbers him with a lariat before hitting him with a spinebuster. And the Powerbomb Symphony finishes at 1:12. Afterwards, Tony stops by for a chat, but Smart Mark Sterling interrupts and serves him with a lawsuit for beating up security guards week after week. So Wardlow beats up another one and tears up the summons. I’m no lawyer but that seems pretty legal.
Meanwhile, Scorpio Sky wants Dante Martin to enjoy his California vacation and get some chicken and waffles, because Friday he’s getting beat on Rampage. As a Canadian, I just want to say WHAT THE FUCK is with chicken and waffles?
Dr. Britt Baker DMD & Jamie Hayter v. Ruby Soho & Toni Storm
Britt attacks Toni to start, but Storm boots her down in the corner and Britt has to retreat and celebrate with her new belt for a bit. Back in, Britt teases the tag to Hayter, so Storm rolls her up for two. Ruby comes in for some double-team kicks that get two. But then Ruby gets caught in the heel corner and Britt takes her to the floor with a neckbreaker as we take a break. Back with Ruby hitting a Saito suplex on Britt and it’s hot tag Storm. She gets a huge german suplex on Hayter and a tornado DDT to chase Hayter to the floor, but she tries another DDT out there and Hayter drops her on the floor with her own. Ruby dives onto Hayter and then Britt takes out Ruby, and back in Hayter gets a running knee on Storm for two. Hayter tries a piledriver and Storm reverses to an Alabama Slam and brings Ruby back in. But then Hayter gives her a backbreaker and Britt hits a butterfly suplex. Hayter and Storm brawl on the floor, and Ruby gets the riot kick on Britt, but it’s reversed into the Lockjaw and then a cradle for two. Britt with the neckbreaker, but heel miscommunication allows Ruby to roll up Britt for two, and a Sister Abigail finishes at 9:45. This was a pretty awesome tag team match. ***1/2 And then Hayter does Owen proud by laying them out with the Owen belt afterwards.
Jon Moxley v. Daniel Garcia
Moxley grabs a headlock and beats on him with chops, so Garcia fires back with his own and that just makes Moxley mad. So he unloads with kicks for two and they collide heads and go crashing to the floor. So Moxley is busted open and Garcia runs him into the stairs and dropkicks them into Mox’s knee as we take a break. Back with Garcia trying a Sharpshooter, but Moxley sends Garcia to the floor and suplexes him onto the stairs in a terrifying spot. Back in the ring, Moxley brings him to the top for a superplex that gets two. Mox with the hammer elbows, but Garcia reverses out and shows off his own violence. So Moxley rolls through and gets a cross armbreaker this time, but Garcia reverses to a Regal Stretch on the mat. Moxley escapes that and they beat the hell out of each other until Garcia piledrives him for two. This sets up the Sharpshooter, but Garcia leans back too far and Moxley chokes him from his back. They slug it out again and Moxley lands on the floor, but they take out the ringside table, so Jericho runs down to provide distraction. That doesn’t work, and Moxley hits the Paradigm Shift and chokes him out for the win at 11:08. HOLY GOD WHAT A MATCH. ****1/4
WHAT A SHOW. This was an all-timer. Except for chicken and waffles. I don’t get that at all.