The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 05.30.22
By Scott Keith on 31st May 2022
The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 05.30.22
Thanks to everyone who signed up for Fite.TV accounts through my links this week, which gave me another batch of Fite credits which will allow me to order Forbidden Door next month. It’s the circle of life. And if you want to get a jump on things and order Forbidden Door for yourself, here’s the link to THAT:
Anyway, this is gonna be a short episode. Don’t worry, I’ve got BONUS CONTENT.
Taped from Las Vegas, NV
Your hosts are Paul Wight & Mark Henry
Ryan Nemeth v. Konosuke Takeshita
There’s a cage hanging above the ring so I assume this was done before Dynamite and not Rampage. Takeshita puts him down with a vicious chop right away and then pops up with a missile dropkick, and a suplex gets two. Mark: “I’m not attracted to men but he’s a pretty good looking guy.” He’s no Kota Ibushi but he’s alright. Nemeth pokes him in the eye (“Bad Guy 101” notes Mark) and takes over with his headstand hammerlock, and a back suplex gets two. Takeshita fights out of a chinlock with forearms and then bounces off the ropes like a coked up Ultimate Warrior and hits him with a flying clothesline. MONEY. Powerbomb sets up the flying knee, but Nemeth dodges it and hits a DDT for two. Takeshita tries a Last Ride and Nemeth slips out of it, so Takeshita hits him with a rolling elbow and Pretty Peter gets involved. And of course that backfires on him, and the high knee finishes for Takeshita at 5:37. They’ve gotta do something with this kid. 1 for 1.
ROH Women’s title: Mercedes Martinez v. Mazzerati
Mazzerati is apparently a local Vegas worker trained by D-Lo Brown. Mazzerati refuses the handshake because she’s EVIL, so Mercedes takes her down and gives her a noogie to punish her for not adhering to the Code of Honor. Mazzerati escapes from the holds on the mat and heads to the apron for some trashtalk, so Mercedes suplexes her back in with a delayed suplex. So delayed they should call it the Duke Nukem Forever. Mazzerati comes back with some kicks and a short DDT for two and Caprice Coleman is FINALLY the one to point out that the match is between “Mercedes” and “Mazzerati”. You’d think Paul would have been all over that before the entrances were even finished. Mercedes comes back with a chokeslam, but she charges and runs into a kick that gets two for Mazzerati. She tries a sleeper and Mercedes runs her into the corner to break free and makes the comeback. Running boot in the corner sets up a spinebuster for two. Mazzerati tries a springboard move and Mercedes catches her and drops her on the top rope, then finishes her off with the guillotine sleeper at 7:14. 2 for 2.
Well that was certainly a brisk episode. Let’s go to the Special Dark from Saturday to pad out the content.
The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Special – 05.28.22
Taped from Las Vegas, NV, presumably after Rampage on Friday night.
Your hosts are Excalibur & Taz
Brandon Cutler v. Darby Allin
Darby immediately charges in and hits Cutler with a tope suicida out to the ramp, and back in for the coffin drop and Sharpshooter at 1:02 to finish. I’d add that one to the list of terrible Sharpshooters for the weekend, but the announcers clarify that it’s actually a terrible Scorpion Deathlock in tribute to Sting. 2 for 3.
Sandra Moone v. Anna Jay
Jay suplexes Moone a couple of times, but misses a charge and Moone elbows her down and goes to a chinlock. Anna escapes with a bodypress for two and gets a backslide for two, and Anna makes the comeback. Spinkick in the corner and Queenslayer sleeper finish at 2:12. Not a great showing from either one. 2 for 4.
The House of Black v. Adriel Noctis, Gregory Sharpe & Matt Brannigan
Black puts Brannigan down with a back elbow and then takes out the other jobbers and poses at them calmly. So Noctis decides to charge him and gets taken to the Black corner and triple-teamed as a result. Buddy with the flying stomp to the arm and a snap suplex, and it’s over to Brody King, but the other jobbers decide to gang up on him to save their partner. So they all get murdered and King hits Noctis with a cannonball and Buddy comes in to finish with Matthews’ Law at 4:00. Oh they DESTROYED those geeks, I love it. 3 for 5.
Riho, Yuka Sakazaki & Skye Blue v. Nyla Rose, Emi Sakura & Diamante
Oh sure, they moved my traditional Nyla & Emi tag match to THIS show. Hopefully Diamante gets more regular work now that her wife is a Baddie. Riho gets into a shoving match with Nyla to start and actually manages to fight off both Nyla and Emi, and DDTs Emi for two. Skye comes in with a knee strike on the ropes for two, but Vickie trips her up and Skye stupidly goes to bitch at her about it. And of course Nyla attacks from behind and lays her out. Back in, Emi sits on Skye while drinking tea and Excalibur reveals that she does that same thing in catering as well. Skye gets worked over in the heel corner and Emi gets the corner splash, but misses a pump splash. Skye manages to tag Yuka, who comes in with a missile dropkick and takes Emi down with a sliding lariat and then hammerlocks her to set up the merry go round slam for two. The heels all come in with slams on the faces while Taz notes that Excalbur gave Bryce Remsberg the merry go round in the bar the other night, and poor Excalibur cracks up on air. Yuka and Riho get rid of the heels and hit Nyla with a double 619 to put her on the floor, and then all the faces do triple dives on the heels for the big trainwreck spot. Back in the ring, Riho with a northern lights on Diamante for two, and a knee strike finishes at 6:13. Tremendously fun tag match! 4 for 6.
Death Triangle v. QT Marshall, Nick Comoroto & Aaron Solo
Pac and Solo battle to a stalemate to start and Pac takes him down with a headlock. Over to QT and Penta, and QT declares that he has no fear either, so Penta superkicks him and follows with a backstabber out of the corner. Fenix comes in for the double-team and QT runs away and lets Comoroto have a go, and he gets triple-teamed with kicks in QT’s place. The heels run away and Death Triangle follows with triple dives. Back in the ring, Fenix tries a brainbuster on Comoroto, but he powers Fenix into a snap powerslam instead, and the Factory goes to work. Solo comes in with a dropkick for two and they cut off the ring, with QT coming in to huge heel heat. So he gets a punch and then tags out again. Fenix fights back on Solo with chops and snaps off a rana out of a rolling somersault, but QT cuts off the tag attempt again. But then he gets cocky and Fenix gives him the rebound hooking kick and makes the hot tag to Penta. Solo superkicks Comoroto by mistake and then Penta and Fenix give him superkicks on purpose to get rid of him. That leaves Pac to hit QT with a stunner and the snap german suplex for two. Pac goes up and QT rolls away, so Pac trashtalks him in whatever language he speaks, who the hell knows? QT gets some distraction from his goons and hits a powerbomb on Pac for two, and the Factory manages to triple-team Pac in the corner with running splashes, setting up Solo for a flying double stomp for two. That looked NASTY. QT dive son Fenix and misses completely, allowing the Lucha Bros to lay him out on the floor, and now Solo is alone with the Death Triangle. Fear Factor and Brutalizer finish him at 10:25. The Factory are quality midcard goobers who know exactly what their purpose is and serve it well. 5 for 7.
Marq Quen v. Johnny Elite
Quen throws out an open contract challenge, so Johnny makes another appearance for AEW to answer it. Also, Quen has a dyed blond beard and Excalibur says what we’re all thinking: He looks friggin’ 50 years older with it. Quen quickly teams up with Kassidy for the Silly String and a DDT on Elite before tossing him to the floor for some shots from Kassidy. Back in the ring, that gets two. Johnny fights back with kicks and an Alabama Slam into the knee strike, and a standing shooting star gets two. Well he almost made contact with that one. Johnny gets kicks from his back, but tries the Moonlight drive kick and knocks out the ref by mistake. So Quen kicks him in the nuts and Private Party double-teams him with the Snapshot DDT for an MNM deep cut, and that gets two. Quen goes up and misses his own shooting star, and Johnny takes out Kassidy and finishes Quen with the Starship Pain at 6:00. Pretty sloppy stuff for the main event. And then someone who is apparently a YouTube dancer named Dad comes out and dances with Johnny for the bizarre ending to the show. 5 for 8.
Well we’re gonna need something big to save the ratio on this week’s effort. And I’ve got just the thing, from the Double or Nothing pre-game!
HOOK & Danhausen v. Tony Nese & Smart Mark Sterling
Danhausen is apparently over 300 pounds and 6’7” according to his introduction. Huge if true. I mean, he’s literally huge if that’s true. The crowd of course goes nuts for Hook-Hausen, and Hook takes Nese down and chases him out of the ring right away. So Danhausen decides to come in, which Nese finds hilarious. He even offers a free headlock, but then gets cocky and misses a charge, allowing Danhausen to CURSE HIM. Danhausen pops up with a rana and then curses Sterling, but that allows Nese to attack Danhausen from behind to massive heel heat. Sterling comes in and puts the boots to Danhausen in the corner, and Nese runs him into the corner. Sterling comes in with a suplex, but misses a legdrop and quickly brings Nese back in again, allowing him to cut off the tag. But then Danhausen suplexes Nese out of the corner and it’s HOT TAG HOOK. He lays waste to Nese with a corner clothesline and head and arm suplex, and then Sterling accidentally tags himself in and that proves to be a bad idea. Hook destroys him with a Saito suplex, but Danhausen wants the tag, so Hook learns teamwork and lets him come in and score the pin with a heroic pose on Sterling’s corpse at 5:24. 194985982191094919492452939 for 9.
OK, I may have broken math with that last one again. Totally worth it.