The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 06.03.89
Taped from Atlanta, GA
I don’t know if this one of their famous “We lost the master tapes before putting it on the Network” deals, but the VQ on this one is pretty rough for some reason.
Anyway, this episode is brought to you by A&W, who apparently sell cream soda in the US. I don’t know if that’s still the case but I assume so. FUN FACT: Here in Canada, what we traditionally consider to be “cream soda” as a rule is actually drastically different, as it’s more of a Grenadine-flavored, bright pink drink and not as purely sweet as the US version is.
Your hosts are Jim Ross and Michael Hayes, who already has his shirt open so that he can caress himself. Barf. Apparently Terry Funk is promising that Ric Flair will be here this week! Hayes: “Has Funk lied to us yet?” JR: “Yes.”
Ranger Ross v. Ron Simmons
So they’re already doing the blowoff from their split last week, although Rhubarb Jones makes a boo-boo and announces that “because of what happened earlier” they will be wrestling. Ross slugs away on Simmons and shows good fire after Simmons walked out on him, and a dropkick puts Ron on the floor. Ross suplexes him back into the ring and does some ground and pound and they fight onto the floor again. Back in, Ross continues kicking his ass and slugs away in the corner before sending him into the post and back to the floor again. Ross follows him out and they slug it out again, and Ross runs him headfirst into the post, but Simmons fights back in the ring. Ross takes him down again and continues beating the hell out of Simmons in the corner. Ron whips him into the other corner and misses a charge, and Ross gets two off that. Ross continues beating on Simmons until Teddy Long stops by and slips an object on Ron’s hand, and the ol’ brass knucks finish at 6:00. This was wildly entertaining by Ranger Ross standards, although he never showed that kind of babyface fire again that I can remember. 1 for 1.
Ricky Santana v. Joe Cruz
You’d think that Cruz would be the pushed guy looking at them here, as Cruz was a tall cowboy with a good look and Santana was himself. Cruz gets a sunset flip for two, but Ricky takes him down and works the arm, then hits a Saito suplex. Cruz misses an elbow and Santana slams him and takes him down with another armbar. Cruz slugs away on the ropes and tries a gut wrench, but Santana reverses to his own for two. Ricky works the arm and follows with a suplex for two as the crowd is pretty sick of this jobber showcase already. What is this, a Rampage main event? Michael Hayes, meanwhile, buries Boston, because they’re all a bunch of Yankees and the women are ugly and the food is terrible. Santana finishes with the flying forearm at 5:00 to end the boredom. 1 for 2. Santana was quickly repackaged with Fidel Sierra as the Barrio Brothers, which was at least moderately more interesting than his bland babyface act.
Meanwhile, FLYIN’ BRIAN is in a helicopter, which is a bit on the nose.
Dick Murdoch v. George South
Gary Hart and Bob Orton head over to scout the match while Murdoch takes South down and works the arm. Murdoch cranks on a top wristlock while Orton makes jokes about hanging Bob at the PPV. Talk about gallows humor. Thank you, I’m here all week. Murdoch slugs away on South and knocks him to the apron, then yanks South into the air with a flying armbar in a unique hold, and then just lets him down and goes back to cranking on the arm again. Murdoch pulls him to the apron and pounds him with elbows, but he gets distracted by Orton at ringside and South gets some offense on him for two. South slams him and drops a knee for two while Gary Hart reveals that he paid cash for Dan Spivey’s contract to get him away from the Varsity Club. Murdoch comes back and finishes with the brainbuster at 5:15. Orton suggests that someone do that to Missy Hyatt. 1 for 3.
Teddy Long introduces another video of Norman, who is doing a character that’s more of a serial killer with multiple personalities, where one of them doesn’t understand why everyone hates him. That’s pretty interesting as a direction, although they never went anywhere with that.
And now, the part of your worthless lives that makes it all a little bit worthwhile, the NWA Official Top Ten!
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NWA World champion: Ric Flair
- Ricky Steamboat
- Michael Hayes
- Sting
- Lex Luger
- Butch Reed
- Great Muta
- Eddie Gilbert
- Dan Spivey
- Kevin Sullivan
- Dick Murdoch
Ricky Steamboat v. Trent Knight
This one comes from the Worldwide tapings, presumably. Knight works a headlock and gets a couple of slams for two while Teddy Long takes notes at ringside. Steamboat puts him down with chops as JR notes “don’t be surprised if he doesn’t wear the gold again!” That actually means the opposite of what he was trying to say. That’s why he needs a color commentator to keep him in line. Steamboat continues beating on Knight with chops and takes him to the top for a superplex before finishing with the double chickenwing at 3:15. 1 for 4.
Meanwhile, the SST and Road Warriors engage in a PIER SIX BRAWL, setting up the next week where the Samoans screw the Warriors and eliminate them from the tag title tournament. Then they have a wild brawl the next week with JR fully channelling Cowboy Bill Watts on commentary. Back in the studio, the Warriors talk about all their other opponents who were cowards and turned tail and ran. Man, are they still salty about the Powers of Pain? Hawk goes on a whole thing about the difference between winners and losers, never really getting to the punchline, and then just throws it back to poor Paul Ellering to summarize their ramblings.
Scott Steiner v. Trent Knight
Yup, another Trent Knight match. That’s some sloppy producing. Once again, nerdy Rick superfan Robin Green is at ringside as Scott encourages him to go for it. She also has her hand painted like Rick’s imaginary friend Alex, which would lead me to a REALLY filthy comment but I’m too classy. Scott throws Knight around with a suplex and follows with a shoulderbreaker for two. A running Dominator and belly to belly finishes at 3:02. Scott was green but looked like such a huge star in the making. Once he stopped trying to be Rick Steiner Jr he got 100 times better, though. 2 for 5.
The Samoan Swat Team v. Deke River & Joe Cazana
JR tries to stir things up by noting that Paul E. is claiming credit for knocking the Road Warriors out of the tournament when it was actually the Freebirds who won the match. Also JR makes a joke about Paul getting his clothing from the Miami Vice closing out sale, but then Paul joins them at the desk and makes the same joke himself anyway. The SST beat on River, who Hayes calls “what Elvis would look like two days after he died”, and the flying splash finishes Cazana at 1:55. And then they smash a pineapple on the poor guy’s head like he’s Jimmy Snuka or something. 2 for 6.
Terry Funk joins us, without the promised Nature Boy. But Funk promises that Ric is here while JR is skeptical, and indeed he produces Rick Flaire. This turns out to be a skinny jobber in a blond wig and robe, who goes “whoa” in the least effective impression ever. I can’t even do it justice, the lack of enthusiasm is incredible. Funk tells him to take off the robe, revealing a YELLOW STREAK on his back. Finally Sting has had enough of this slander and comes out to defend the Nature Boy, accusing Funk of being yellow! THEM’S FIGHTING WORDS! So Terry goes to the ring and they immediately get into a huge brawl, but Sting whoops his ass and Funk goes flying to the floor and bumps over the railing. Sting hauls him back into the ring and continues beating on him until all the poor geeks empty the jobber dressing room trying to split them up.
Kevin Sullivan v. Tom Pittner
Kevin goes to bully young Robin Green for a bit of an inside joke and tears up her Rick Steiner sign, then tosses the jobber out and puts the boots to him while Green tries to put her sign back together. Let’s face it, she’s lucky that security didn’t take it away from her anyway. Sullivan drops the stairs on Pittner and clotheslines him on the way into the ring, then hangs him in the TREE OF WOE and finishes with the double stomp at 3:18. He just MURDERED that jobber. 3 for 7.
Meanwhile, we take a look at GATOR SCOTT HALL, who is coming soon to the NWA, after he traps an alligator in Florida. You literally don’t even see his face.
The Great Muta v. Steve Casey
Muta blows the mysterious gold mist before the match, which of course robs Scott Steiner of his math skills if used on him. Muta uses that karate to put Casey down and goes to the nerve hold for an extended period while JR hypes the impending Dynamic Dudes match for later in the show. Hayes’ brutal sarcasm sums up America’s feeling on the matter. Muta just holds this nerve hold forever for some reason, but Casey gets a bodypress for two. Blind charge misses and Muta puts him away with the moonsault at 4:54, although it was a rare botch from Muta where he landed on his feet and seemingly hit Casey with a knee to the ribs on the way down. I have no idea what happened there. This was a rare whiff from Muta. 3 for 8.
World tag team title tournament, first round: The Midnight Express v. Bob Orton & Butch Reed
Dick Murdoch attacks Bob Orton in retaliation for earlier in the show, and they brawl on the floor and into the crowd while we get some weirdly random crowd shots of people cheering, but with no sound. So with Reed now without a partner, Teddy Long offers up a replacement, who turns out to be The Raider, who is clearly your friend and mine Jack Victory under yet another mask. Reed overpowers Bobby to start, but the Express double-teams him and it’s over to the Raider. The Midnights quickly destroy him, but Reed clotheslines Lane to take over. Reed and Raider team up with a double slam and Raider goes to a chinlock. Big splash gets two. Lane comes back with a flying forearm and makes the hot tag to Bobby, who hits the flying elbow and then disposes of Reed. Flapjack on the Raider finishes at 5:44 and they’re off to the semi-finals. What a tournament this has been. Match was OK. 4 for 9.
The Dynamic Dudes v. Cougar Jay & Bob Emory
The Dudes chase the jobbers with double dropkicks and then slingshot them back in. Johnny works on Bob’s arm and the Dudes switch off on that while JR promotes the A&W CREAM SODA KING OF THE SLAMS, and the Dudes finish Cougar Jay with the double slingshot suplex at 3:34. 4 for 10.
This one felt like a big step down from the last couple of weeks, although the Ranger Ross-Ron Simmons match is worth checking out, and literally anything Terry Funk does or says.