The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 05.02.22
Taped from Philly
Your hosts are Paul Wight & Mark Henry
Julia Hart v. Abby Jane
Abby is another “happy girl next door” character. Maybe she’ll get sprayed in the face with evil black mist and spend six months slowly turning heel too. Julia gets a leg sweep to take her down and chops her in the corner, but Jane fights back for a bit until Julia hits a cartwheel into a corner clothesline and finishes with a bulldog at 2:28. I don’t know what the hell that finish was supposed to be, but it didn’t make any kind of contact from either camera angle. 0 for 1.
Anthony Ogogo v. Goldy
Ogogo has changed up his look a bit since whenever we last saw him and it’s pretty good. He takes Goldy down with a headlock and cranks on that, but Goldy comes back with armdrags and Ogogo cuts him off with a knee to the gut. Gut shot on the ropes and he slugs away in the corner with forearms, and then takes off the hand tape and punches him out for the ref stoppage at 2:38. He had some momentum leading up to the Cody feud but whatever was there is long gone now. 0 for 2.
Rhett Titus v. Kenosuke Takeshita
This should be a better matchup for Takeshita than last week’s Cutler match was. Poor Titus is “Is in the ring to my left” and doesn’t even get an entrance. Titus takes him down with a fireman’s carry and they trade holds on the mat, but Takeshita hits him with a big boot and release german. DDT gets one. Running boot in the corner follows, but Titus backdrops him and works on the back to take over. Sideslam gets two. Titus gets a hammerlock into a spinning back suplex in an interesting move, and that gets two. Takeshita fires back with a Blue Thunder bomb for two, and they slug it out with forearms, leading to Titus getting a belly to belly for two. Takeshita comes back with another release german and follows with a high knee to finish at 4:34. Yeah this was definitely better, although I don’t see Titus sticking around. 1 for 3.
Tony Nese v. Cheeseburger
Cheeseburger gets a GIANT crowd reaction, and this finally gives Wight and Henry some wacky stuff to talk about. I mean the guy’s name is CHEESEBURGER, how can you not crack jokes? Nese tries some holds, but Cheeseburger headfakes him and then walks up his back for a wacky submission hold. Nese escape that and necks him on the top rope while Wight reminisces about past cheeseburgers in his life. Nese drops Cheesebruger on the top rope and punts him for two. Cheeseburger goes after the arm and makes the comeback with a back elbow, then hits the running palm strike, which Mark dubs the CHEESEBURGER SLAP, for two. Nese rolls out of a sunset flip and kicks him in the face, and then finishes with the knee strike in the corner at 4:20 for the big heel reaction. This one kinda ruled. 2 for 4. My wife, half-asleep on the couch, asks if she heard that someone’s name was “Cheeseburger” or she was just dreaming it? See, he’s already over with the casual fans.
Willow Nightingale v. Gia Scott
Holy cow, Willow is actually getting a WIN here? Willow cartwheels out of the corner and hits Scott with a pair of clotheslines and a pounce. The straps come down and she hits the cannonball in the corner, then finishes with the gut wrench powerbomb at 1:25. Good for her, hope they sign her and start pushing her. 3 for 5.
Max Caster v. Zack Clayton
Clayton actually got a win when they were in Jersey this year, although Caster has a pretty effective rap about the size of his manhood. Caster kips up out of a headscissors, and quickly puts him down and finishes with the Mic Drop at 1:00. A point for the Amber Heard reference. Milk those while you can. 4 for 6.
Emi Sakura & Nyla Rose v. Anna Jay & Kris Statlander
What, no Ruby Soho or Bunny? Maybe that’s the main event. Anna takes Emi down with a headlock and the faces double-team her for two. Statlander tries a whip and Emi gets weird by raking the arm with her fingernails, and Nyla comes in with a delayed suplex before rolling into a second one for two. The faces double-team Nyla in their corner, but Nyla pretends to be eye-poked and Sakura gets a cheapshot behind the ref’s back to take over. Nyla gets a lariat for two and Sakura drops an elbow for two and hits the crossbody in the corner. Anna fights back with a back kick and Kris gets the hot tag and cleans house with kicks, then powerslams Sakura. High knee puts Nyla on the floor and a powerbomb on Sakura gets two. Nyla takes out Anna and comes back in with a senton on Statlander, but Anna recovers and makes the save at two. The heels double-team Anna, but she fights back with a double DDT and chokes Nyla to the floor. That leaves Statlander to finish Sakura with the Big Bang at 6:09. Same good match they have basically every week. 5 for 7
The Dark Order v. Six Guys I Can’t Be Bothered to Write Down Because The Match Is Only a Minute Long
So I guess is the final appearance of Stu Grayson, unless they work something out. It quickly turns into a SLAM PARTY with all six Dark Order guys slamming the jobbers and then hitting stereo dives on two of them. 10 throws one of them onto a pile of other jobbers and then Stu and Uno finish with the Fatality at 1:43. Well now they need 12-man titles, too, I guess. 5 for 8
Any week over 0.500 is a good one! And this one had Cheeseburger.