The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 04.25.22
Taped from Pittsburgh, PA
Your hosts are Excalibur, Paul Wight & Mark Henry. Back together again!
Luther, Bulk Nasty, Tito Oric, Jake Omen & RC Dupree v. The Dark Order
Apparently Luther has a new crew, including the wonderfully named Bulk Nasty. Sounds like something that Amber Heard left in Johnny Depp’s bed. Oh you know I’ve been waiting patiently for the past two days to find a place to work in the poop joke. It’s just too bad no one referenced Charlie & The Chocolate Factory anywhere on the site so that I could do a run-in. Paul Wight continues the lie that Luther is descended from Danish royalty, which would no doubt get him banned from Twitter. Oh. Never mind. The Dark Order beats on the assorted goobers, but Reynolds comes in and Luther suplexes him for a brief bit of goober offense. 10 comes in and runs wild on such luminaries as Fake Big Bossman and Replacement Serpentico, and the Fatality finishes RC Dupree at 3:12. 0 for 1.
Julia Hart v. Kris Statlander
Julia’s eye injury is now spreading outside of the patch as this storyline is apparently very, very, very long term. Statlander takes her down with a headlock, but Julia reverses into a knucklelock and Kris bridges out of that. Statlander with chops in the corner and tries an electric chair, but Julia awkwardly counters into a bulldog for two after a few notable missteps. Julia sweeps the leg and moonsaults her before choking her out in the corner. Statlander slams her into the turnbuckles and follows with a reverse suplex, but Julia gets a moonsault and goes into a triangle as this car wreck just keeps rolling over and over on the freeway but we can’t look away. Statlander finishes with whatever the piledriver is called this week. This was…SO BAD. I mean, I dig Statlander’s new gear, but WOOF this was bad. Julia is just not getting much better yet. 0 for 2.
Brandon Cutler v. Konosuke Takeshita
Takeshita hails from DDT as a part of their talent exchange deal I’d assume. Cutler tries a wristlock and Takeshita puts him down with a leg lariat and goes up with a senton for two. Blind charge misses and Cutler manages an enzugiri, and Mark Henry is ALL FIRED UP over here, but Cutler does some elaborate dancing before missing an elbowdrop. He’s got moves, you can’t deny that. Takeshita fires back with a flying shoulderblock and DDT for two. Cutler blocks a Blue Thunder Bomb, but then keeps celebrating and walks into another one, which gets two. “Is he too stupid to realize that it’s over?” wonders Henry. Yes. Takeshita puts him down with chops, but Cutler uses the cold spray and rolls him up for two. Backslide gets two. Small package is blocked by Takeshita and reversed into a brainbuster for two. High knee gets the pin at 4:55. This was a bizarre match, with wacky jobber Cutler kicking out of all kinds of vicious finishers and even getting a few near-falls on Takeshita. Just didn’t work. 0 for 3.
Steel City Brawler v. Tony Nese
Apparently the Brawler is a local Pittsburghian. Nese necks him on the top rope and puts him down with a back elbow, but Brawler slugs back and puts Nese down with clotheslines. But then Nese puts him into the corner with a dropkick and finishes with the running knee at 2:52. I like Nese, he’s looked good so far. 1 for 4.
Minoru Suzuki v. QT Marshall
In the biggest tragedy of the week, they have to purge Kaze Ni Nare from YouTube, so you literally can’t hear the crowd’s reaction to seeing Suzuki on Dark Elevation. Apparently that’s the perils of dealing with a wrestling company owned by a TV company. Suzuki chases QT to the floor and that allows Solo to do some interferencing, but the ref tosses them and QT decides to start some shit with Suzuki. And that goes badly, but QT manages a lariat for two. And then Suzuki chokes him and finishes with the Gotch piledriver at 3:00, with a glorious look of insanity on his face before dropping QT on his head. 2 for 5.
John Silver v. Vince Valor
Good name on the jobber here. Silver bowls Valor over and hits him with a corner clothesline before finishing with the Spin Doctor at 1:25. 2 for 6.
Nyla Rose, Emi Sakura & The Bunny v. Ruby Soho, Anna Jay & Skye Blue
It’s the ultimate permutation of the women’s trios match we’ve seen every week for six months! Mark’s impression of the week is CAMEL, although Wight thinks it’s more like a “shot water buffalo”. Well, he did ask for it. Nyla shrugs off Ruby’s clotheslines to start and powerbombs her out of the corner for one. Ruby brings Skye in and she superkicks Nyla and fights off Bunny before going up to the top, but she lands in a powerslam and Nyla gets two and takes over. Bunny comes in and stomps on Skye’s fingers before bringing her back to the heel corner for some double-teaming with Sakura. Emi with the corner splash for two and Bunny comes in with a surfboard, as Wight notes that “Bunny seems like the type of chick who would pull off your fingernails with a pair of plyers.” That feels like there’s some backstory in his life. Anna Jay gets the hot tag and hooks Bunny in the sleeper, but Nyla breaks it up and Ruby sends the heels to the floor for a dive from Blue. This allows Anna to finish Bunny with the choke at 6:32. This was fine as always. 3 for 7.
Penta Oscuro v. Max Caster
Max is dropping truth bombs tonight, as he notes that Penta is “hanging out with Count Chocula”. You sir have been BURNED. He also speculates that “Penta” is short for “Pendajo” and then thinks better of that one when he sees Penta’s reaction. Penta quickly dumps Max and tries for a dive, but Bowens trips him up and claims innocence, allowing Caster to take over. Blind charge misses and Penta superkicks him into a rollup and follows with a sling blade for two. Penta with the chops while Paul Wight claims gimmick infringement, but Caster fights back on his behalf with a neckbreaker for two. He goes up and slugs away, but Penta trips him up and gets the double stomp for two. This prompts Bowens to distract us by making it weird with the finger deal, and Caster gets a brainbuster for two as a result. Bowens interferes again and gets superkicked this time, and Penta snaps the arm to finish at 4:42. This was a fun main event. 4 for 8.
Eh, batting 0.500 isn’t bad for this show. Last two matches were worth checking out and I like Tony Nese and it’s a good spot for him. Henry’s camel impression is kind of a loser, though, so don’t tune in for that.