The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.14.94
Taped from Rochester, NY on 04.13.94
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
Bret Hart joins Vince for a special interview in a cold open, and apparently Diesel has challenged him to a WWF title match at King of the Ring. Oh lord I’m gonna have to review that show again, aren’t I? But Vince doesn’t want to talk about that now, he wants to talk about Owen also challenging Bret on the WRESTLEMANIA REVENGE TOUR. Bret thinks that Owen was born bad, which is pretty harsh if we’re being honest. Anyway, Bret will also accept the challenge of Diesel, who is SEVEN FEET TALL, a fact that they repeat multiple times. But how much does that guy weigh? If only we had someone to find out. But regardless of how big he is, Bret will bring him down to his knees and then to his back. And then into the Sharpshooter. Oh. I thought that story was going somewhere else.
KWANG v. Tony Outter
Kwang hails from “The Orient”, as all practitioners of the martial arts do. I didn’t know Puerto Rico was part of the Orient now? Kwang quickly kicks Outter down and sprays red mist, which is pretty dangerous. What if he hit some kid in the audience with the spew? They’d be blinded for life! That was like when the Young Buck spit thumbtacks into the audience, but, like, 100 times more deadly. Outter gets some forearms but KWANG finishes him with a leg lariat at 1:34. 0 for 1.
LIVE EVENT NEWS! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE POSTER MAGAZINE!
Earthquake returns to challenge Yokozuna to a sumo match deal and then leaves the promotion for WCW.
King of the Ring Qualifier: Pierre the Quebecer v. Mabel
Pierre attacks in the corner and slugs away on Mabel, then dodges a charge and hits him with clotheslines, which do nothing. So Pierre goes up with a missile dropkick for two, but he goes up a second time and Mabel slams him off and goes up for a flying splash that misses. Pierre puts the boots to him and goes up with a flying legdrop for two, but then tries a slam and Mabel falls on top for two. Mabel hits the Bossman slam to finish at 2:56, however. Pierre was clearly auditioning for a singles push out there. 1 for 2. So Mabel advances, although can you imagine KING Mabel? The very idea is ridiculous.
KING OF THE RING UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!
Todd has to explain to us how this (*checks notes*) “tournament” thing works. SLOW DOWN WITH YOUR INSIDER LINGO THERE, POINDEXTER! Apparently Razor Ramon already beat Kwang to advance, for those keeping track. Also, we get more footage of Roddy Piper on the set of his new movie, “Tough & Deadly”, as he continues rambling in the direction of Jerry Lawler and makes dinosaur references. Oh yeah, a dinosaur in a wrestling ring, that’ll be the day! Anyway they actually managed to find a couple of pieces of footage where you could follow what he was saying and he wasn’t coked up to the point of his heart exploding, so that’s an improvement over last week.
NEXT WEEK: Lex Luger faces Jeff Jarrett in a King of the Ring Qualifier as we find new ways for Luger to choke.
Doink the Clown v. Major Yates
Yates attacks Doink while his Dink is loose in the ring, but Doink hits him with a butterfly suplex and drops a knee for two. Dropkick gets two as Vince and Lawler discuss clown colleges, and Doink gets a suplex for two. Doink with a fistdrop and he goes up to finish with the Whoopie Cushion at 1:50. Doink looked and wrestled differently than the usual Apollo squash here, working more like original Matt Borne Doink for whatever reason. It was pretty good. 2 for 3.
Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase arrives in his limo and makes Nikolai Volkoff open the door for him.
Earthquake v. AC Connor
Hmm, that jobber looks mighty familiar. Hopefully I can recognize him. AC gets some shots on the Quake, but Quake clotheslines him down and puts the boots to him before dropping a leg on him. Powerslam and butt splash finish at 2:04, leaving poor Conner pretty low down. Poor guy is gonna need a chest protector after that splash! He was completely dominated. 2 for 4.
Meanwhile, some dumb fans claim to have seen the Undertaker.
Nikolai Volkoff v. Duane Gill
Volkoff’s “working man who resents his rich bully boss” storyline is such an obvious precursor to the Austin-McMahon saga that I’m shocked no one has mentioned it before me here in this rant. That’s the kind of deep insight you’ve come to expect and love from these. Volkoff gets a backdrop out of the corner and takes him down with a headlock while Vince puts over the WWF Hall of Fame ceremony, listing such luminaries as Chief Jay Strongbow, Buddy Rogers, and “manager extraordinaire” James Dudley as the inductees. Dibiase yells at Volkoff to do better, so Nikolai hits Gill with a clothesline and pins him at 2:48. No seriously, this storyline was idiotic and went nowhere, but that was perfectly on point for the ongoing 2 year running failure that was the Million Dollar Corporation. 2 for 5.
Meanwhile, Duke Droese throws a garbage can into a dumpster with a trick shot thanks to ridiculously obvious camera cuts. Curt Hennig would have done that shit live to tape as many times as needed to get it.
Tatanka v. Gus Kantarakis
Gus attacks to start and gets backdropped and armdragged, and Tatanka beats on him with chops in the corner. Suplex follows while Vince finds about 5 different ways to pronounce “Kantarakis”, but the guy hits a DDT for two before Tatanka finishes him with the Papoose to Go at 2:40. 2 for 6.
LIVE EVENT NEWS! WITH STAN LANE!
Yes, this week we visit New England, where he learn that Mabel is really big and Luger gets to spend time with fans backstage. I’m sure he was just thrilled with that. Also he had some trouble getting a t-shirt off in the ring, although I’m sure that’s a one time issue for him.
NEXT WEEK: Lex Luger v. Jeff Jarrett! And JJ joins Vince for a quick promo to end the show.
Definitely getting some end of taping cycle vibes from this one, although I will say that they’re trying pretty hard to keep it from being as stale as it was at the end of 93, so there’s that.