The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW – 04.04.22

The SmarK Rant for WWE Monday Night RAW – 04.04.22

It’s the RAW after Wrestlemania and who better to review it than me? Maybe I’ll stick around for a while!

Live from Dallas TX

Your hosts are Jimmy Smith, Byron Saxton & Corey Graves

YEAH RIGHT. SUCKERS.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I’m delightful.

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 04.04.22

Taped from Columbia, SC

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Henry & Paul Wight

Legit Leyla Hirsch v. Ella Envy

Leyla controls with a headlock and overpowers her, but Envy comes back with some armdrags before missing a blind charge. Leyla hits her with running knees in the corner and then finishes with a running knee strike at 1:35. That was a NICE knee strike. 1 for 1.

QT Marshall & Aaron Solo v. Brock Anderson & Lee Johnson

Yes, it’s the return of BROCK-LEE. Tony notes that every guy who uses letters in their name seems to be a jerk, likening QT to MJF. But what about CM Punk? He’s such a level headed and personable fellow. Mark Henry feels he’s more comparable to the stuff you pull out of the lint trap in your dryer. Wait, you’re supposed to CLEAN that? Oh crap. Lee chops on Solo to start, but Solo grabs a headlock and Johnson puts him down with an axehandle before Brock comes in for the double-team. Meanwhile Henry and Wight make fun of each other for being old and cranky. Someday I might be able to relate, who knows? Comoroto pulls Lee out of the ring and lays him out behind the ref’s back, so Arn grabs a chair and lets him know what’s what. QT comes in and then tosses Lee out again while Henry ponders the oxymoron of “jumbo shrimp”. Totally agree, it’s false advertising at worst. QT hauls Lee back in and spits at him, so Lee gets a neckbreaker and makes the hot tag to Brock. He beats on Solo with shoulders in the corner and tosses QT, then follows with a doctor bomb on Solo for two. DDT gets two. Lee comes in and slugs it out with QT while Wight gives us our first Will Smith reference of the show, but QT runs him into the railing. Back in the ring, Brock slugs it out with Solo and tries the gourdbuster, but Solo reverses out and QT necks Brock on the top rope. Solo gets a spinkick for two off that. Lee superkicks QT out of the ring again, and Brock hits the spinebuster on Solo to finish at 7:00. I like this team! 2 for 2.

Dani Mo v. Serena Deeb

I know they’re all about the slow burn but they did that angle to reheat the Deeb-Shida feud weeks ago and we’ve still never had the match! Deeb grabs a headlock and beats on Mo with forearms before taking out the knee. Serena takes her to the corner and legwhips her back down again, then catapults her under the ropes and finishes with the Serenity Lock at 2:14. I’m still annoyed that they did the 5:00 Challenge storyline for weeks and it literally led to nothing. 2 for 3.

Frankie Kazarian v. Lucky Ali

Mark Henry rightly points out that anyone who names themselves “Lucky” is generally not lucky. Frankie quickly beats on Lucky with chops in the corner and then hits a running legsweep and follows with a lariat. Lucky asks for a timeout and offers a truce, but then tries to turn on Frankie and gets caught. He actually hits a neckbreaker and necks Frankie on the ropes, however, and follows with a senton for two. He goes to a chinlock and Wight actually analyzes the way that he laces his fingers together instead of gripping the wrist, noting that you don’t get any leverage the way he was doing it. Neat! Frankie escapes and tries the chicken wing, but Ali slips out of that, so Frankie hits a springboard cutter and finishes with the chicken wing at 3:53. Fun and educational. 3 for 4.

Red Velvet v. Brittany Jade

Jade evades Velvet for a bit to start, but makes the mistake of sticking out her tongue to mock Velvet and gets hit with a kick as a result. BREAKING NEWS: Brittany Jade loves Mark Henry’s animal impersonations, and Mark is so happy that he gives us a new one! It’s a SHEEP. Well that’s one opinion. Jade gets a bit of clumsy offense and Velvet is like “Hold my beer” and necks Jade on the ropes before finishing with a head kick at 2:25. Usual Velvet botchfest here. 3 for 5.

JD Drake & Anthony Henry v. Best Friends

Man, I feel like calling yourselves the “Workhorsemen” in the Carolinas is some bad juju. Trent’s Mom makes a surprise appearance at ringside with a “Happy Birthday Greggie” sign, which spells double doom for the Workhorsemen. The Friends hit Henry with a double suplex in honor of Sue for two, and Drake comes in and gets taken down by Trent. The Friends run them together and try for the hug, but the Workhorsemen break it up because they’re heartless monsters. Everyone heads to the floor and Henry hits Chucky with a dive to take over, and back in for two. Drake with a double knee on Chucky and Henry double-stomps Chucky’s back to sandwich him, and that gets two. Back to the floor and Henry tries to run Chuck into the railing again, but that gets reversed and Orange stops for a one handed pocket, due to the other one being in a sling. This allows Trent to get the hot tag and he faceplants Henry and follows with a backdrop suplex before throwing chops on Drake. Tornado DDT on Drake gets two. Trent slugs away with forearms on the ropes, but misses a dive and gets slugged down. Back in, they double-team Trent with running knees and that gets two. Drake with a Bossman slam on Chuck and he catapults Trent into a superkick from Henry and flying double stomp for a hot two count. Trent comes back with a clothesline out of the corner and they hit the half and half combo on Drake to get rid of him, which sets up the HUG and Strong Zero to finish at 7:37. This was a lot of fun. 4 for 6.

Anna Joy & Ruby Soho v. Diamante & Ashley D’Ambroise

Diamante sweeps the leg a couple of times and slugs away on Anna to start, and D’Ambroise comes in and works a headlock before Ruby nails her with a running knee. Ashley gets a jawbreaker and then lets Ruby gets a sunset flip, then holds her head in place while Diamante comes in with a dropkick to the back of Ruby’s neck. That was slick. Diamante necks Ruby on the top rope for two, but Ruby brings Anna back in for a northern lights suplex on Diamante. Anna with a leg lariat in the corner and Ruby comes in with the headscissors into the turnbuckles for two. Diamante fights them off and hits Ruby with a knee to the head, but then she gets all pissed off at her own partner because she’s so angry. And that allows Ruby to finish D’Ambroise with a neckbreaker at 4:56. And then Diamante turns on her own partner afterwards and pantomimes shooting her in the back on the way out. That seems harsh. Women, am I right? Diamante is a good pro wrestler, though. 5 for 7.

Paul Wight v. Austin Green

Yes, Wight steps out of the booth for this one and Mark Henry is MARKING OUT. Wight is of course from South Carolina so this is the hometown pop match. Green’s a pretty big dude himself and they fight over a lockup before Green gives him some shots on the ropes. So Wight knocks him down and gives him the frying pan chops in the corner, and the chokeslam finishes at 2:20. 6 for 8 because I reward putting the hometown talent over.

See, wasn’t this better than some stupid Monday night post-PPV show anyway? Of course it was.