The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Old School – MSG 01.21.85
Now we’re talking.
Taped from Madison Square Garden
Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Mean Gene
Terry Gibbs v. Moondog Rex
Kicking it off with a main event anywhere in the country! Before this match, Finkel announces that Jimmy Snuka will now be teaming up with JYD in the main event instead of whoever he was scheduled with before. I’m assuming Tonga Kid, since tonight’s main event is a rematch of the 12/28/84 tag match featuring Kid & Snuka v. Piper & Orton. Gibbs works a hammerlock on Rex, who elbows out on the ropes, but Gibbs slugs him down for two and goes back to the hammerlock. Rex slams out of that while Gorilla complains that Rex is fat and Gibbs is lazy, really putting over the talent in the ring. Rex hits him with a knee to the gut and clotheslines him on the top rope, and drops an elbow for two. Gibbs powers up and Rex puts him down with a backbreaker for two. Then comes the chinlock, until Gibbs fights out of that, but Rex puts him down and goes back to it again. Gibbs fights out of that after two arm-drops, which leads me to wonder when that particular trope of wrestling began. And were the TV announcers at the time prompted to say something like “Yeah, I was in an ambulance last week and that’s totally how they determined level of consciousness for the patient”? Gibbs makes a comeback with some stuff and gets a suplex for two, but he puts his head down and Rex finishes him with a neckbreaker at 10:14. I don’t know how Bill Watts got “My future North American champion” out of this but there you go. ½*
Bret Hart v. Rene Goulet
Yup, Bret’s MSG debut, before any of the pink tights or Jimmy Hart or greasy hair. This of course stemmed from Vince buying Stampede Wrestling from Stu Hart, on the condition of giving Bret and the Bulldogs a job. Goulet does some jumping jacks to loosen up in the corner and then goes to a full nelson off the lockup. Bret reverses him to a headscissors on the mat, but Goulet claims a hair pull and backs off. Bret with a headlock and Goulet tries to hide in the ropes, so Bret hauls him back and hangs onto that. Goulet escapes with a hiptoss, but Bret hangs onto the arm and takes him down with an armbar off that. Bret works the arm, but Goulet takes him down with a knee to the gut and hits him with the double stomp. Goulet with a bearhug, which Gorilla and Gene basically laugh off, and Bret easily escapes that. So Goulet bites him on the nose to take over again and chokes him out on the ropes while some kid yells “Hey, you suck, Bret!” Fun fact: That kid grew up to be Steve Austin. Bret bails to regroup and Goulet works him over with the SCORPION CLAW in the ring. Gorilla notes that it won’t be effective because he’s not wearing his leather glove. Meanwhile, the kid changes his tune, yelling “Go back to France!” instead. Bret fights out of the claw, but Goulet reapplies it, only for Bret to escapes with a sunset flip for two. Goulet goes to a chinlock this time and then switches back to the claw as the crowd GROANS. Bret fights up again, so Goulet tosses him and threatens us with a dive before changing his mind. Bret fights back in with a sunset flip for two and makes the comeback with an atomic drop and abdominal stretch. Gorilla actually notes that it was WELL EXECUTED. Holy cow! Bret with a backbreaker and legdrop for two. Blind charge hits knee and Goulet goes into his trunks, but Bret catches him with a sleeper and puts his lights out at 14:40. Well it wasn’t exactly Hogan’s MSG debut but he looked good. **
Tony Garea v. Jim Neidhart
Well isn’t this is a coincidence, as another guy makes his MSG debut here. Maybe Neidhart should team up with the previous guy. In your thirsty wrestling fan news of the day, apparently Neidhart’s daughter Jenni now has an OnlyFans, which I can’t see lasting very long once everyone realizes that you get more out of her uncomfortably affectionate YouTube videos with Nattie. Garea gets a bodypress for two, so Neidhart wants a test of strength and seems to have that under control. Gene notes that Neidhart was originally drafted by the Dallas Cowboys and Gorilla humors him by saying that as far as he knows that might be correct. Sure, we’ll go with that. Gorilla notes that Garea is a former tag team champion and that doesn’t happen by accident. Unless you’re Mabel. ALLEGEDLY. They trade wristlocks and Garea takes him down with an armdrag and goes to work on the arm. Sunset flip gets two and he goes back to the arm again. Neidhart beats on him in the corner and goes to the chinlock. Garea fights out and makes the comeback, but Neidhart catches him with a powerslam to block a bodypress, and that finishes at 12:03. I think the bell woke me from a nap. ½*
Meanwhile, Magnificent Muraco introduces his new manager, Mr. Fuji, who has been teaching him MARTIAL ARTS. Finkel introduces Pedro Morales for a special appearance before the match, which is kind of a slap in the face to Muraco if we’re being honest with each other.
Magnificent Muraco v. Swede Hanson
Muraco goes for the lockup and gets slammed to start, and then Swede slams him again and he bails to the floor for some sage managerial advice from the Fuj. Back in the ring, Muraco gets him into the corner for some chops, but Swede slugs back and slams him again, not selling anything. Swede with an armbar and then he stomps on Muraco and steps on the fingers. Muraco finally gets some heat on him with knees to the gut, EIGHT MINUTES into the match, and he takes Swede down with a snapmare where Swede can barely even do a front roll to get into position on the mat. Muraco slugs away in the corner and Swede barely registers it and then just comes back and no-sells Muraco again. Swede with headbutts and another slam, but Muraco tries his own slam and Swede falls on top for two. Muraco dropkicks him into the corner, with Swede taking a bump so awful that even MSG boos him, and Muraco finishes with a tombstone at 10:52, basically the only move taken by Swede in the entire match. Just an awful reintroduction of Muraco. DUD
Black Jack Mulligan v. Moondog Spot
This marks the debut of Rita Chatterton as referee, which Gene celebrates as a historic first, although her WWF career came to a less conspicuous end with allegations of rape against Vince McMahon. In an unrelated note, I don’t sense that this will be added to the Moondog Spot Hidden Gems collection any time soon. Mulligan gets a slam and Spot retreats to the corner, so Mulligan whips him into the other corner and goes to work on the arm. Spot retreats to the floor and suckers Mulligan into a shot with a chair, and then adds another one on the apron that the referee somehow misses. Women, am I right? She was probably off watching her stories. No wonder they weren’t allowed to vote until Stephanie created women’s wrestling. Mulligan makes the comeback and gets a small package for the pin at 7:33. Nothing to this one. *
Ken Patera v. Andre the Giant
OK, here we go. This is coming off the famous haircut angle and Andre wants revenge, and you would not want to be Patera at the moment. And Andre immediately smashes him with a headbutt and sends him running to the floor, then tells the ref to go stand in the corner and let him work. Back in the ring, Andre gives him a boot in the ass and sends him to the floor again, and then steps on Bobby Heenan’s hand on the apron and rams their heads together for a hilarious sell from Bobby. Back in, Patera attacks, so Andre just throttles him and shakes him like you’re not supposed to shake a baby, which results in Patera bumping to the floor to escape. Back in, Patera asks for a truce, but Andre continues whomping on him. So Patera goes for a slam and that’s not happening, and Andre just boots him down this time. He follows with an atomic drop and Patera bumps to the floor, but Andre just grabs him by the head and hauls him back in again, hitting another big boot, and Patera tries to run away again. So Andre grabs him by the head AGAIN and hauls him back in, sitting on his head and then standing on him to send Patera fleeing to the floor in terror. So Andre follows him out and continues the beating, running him into the railing, and that finally prompts Bobby to get involved, hitting Andre with brass knuckles and bumping the ref in the process. So the ref revives and calls for the DQ at 9:00, and Andre just lays waste to both of them, including an epic paintbrushing of Heenan before throwing him over the top rope and sending them back to the dressing room. Andre was just awesome. Match wasn’t technically good but Andre got his pound of flesh out of Patera, Heenan was incredible as a complete clown, and it was a lot of fun. **1/4
Big John Studd v. George Wells
Amazingly, Heenan manages to pull himself together and appear with Studd for this match, although he’s not looking too good. Wells gets in Bobby’s face, so Bobby tells him to put up or shut up by slamming Studd if he’s such a big man. And hey, he’ll make $15,000! Big stall to start, which is wise because the longer you can prevent Wells from actually wrestling the better, and Studd starts with a top wristlock that Wells reverses into a hammerlock. Studd runs him into the corner, but misses a charge, and Wells tries a slam that Studd easily stops. At this point Gene has to do the announcement that “the announcers for this program were selected by Madison Square Gardens Productions” in a legal disclaimer, which I never understood the point of. Like, would it be a scandal for the WWF to pick their own announcers for the show? I’m assuming there was some stupid legal precedent somewhere that meant they had to say this stuff to avoid getting sued. Studd with a bearhug as Gorilla notes that we’re watching “A collection of the greatest talent in the world” while calling a GEORGE WELLS match. Studd with a backbreaker for the surprise fast count pin at 7:22. What was THAT? That literally came out of nowhere. Another stinker in a collection of them tonight. DUD
Texas Tornado match: Rowdy Roddy Piper & Cowboy Bob Orton v. Jimmy Snuka & Junkyard Dog
So just checking cagematch and it looks like Tonga Kid disappeared from the WWF the week before this match and didn’t return until 1986, although obviously JYD is a huge star power upgrade for this. The babyfaces clean house to start as Orton takes a bump through the ropes and to the floor, while Piper and Snuka brawl to the floor. In the ring, Dog clotheslines Orton for two, but Piper runs Snuka into the post to get rid of him, allowing the heels to double-team Dog in the ring. Snuka heads back in and slugs away on Piper, who decides to retreat to the dressing room, but the faces catch them and bring them back to ringside again. Back in the ring, the heels get stereo chinlocks and then stereo sleepers, but the faces grab wrists and run them together to break. Orton and Piper team up with a double slam on Snuka, but then Orton goes to the top rope and tries his own Superfly splash, which misses badly. Dog makes a comeback on Orton, but Piper trips him up from the floor and Orton gets the pin at 8:48. This one actually featured on the “Most Unusual Matches” Coliseum video and it’s still pretty good. ***
Rick McGraw v. The Spoiler
Spoiler is introduced from Parts Unknown, although I can’t tell you where he’s really from. Because it would be…well, you know. McGraw takes him down with a leglock while Gorilla talks about McGraw’s broken neck that derailed his career for a while. I’m sure that didn’t help his substance abuse issues, either. McGraw beats on Spoiler in the corner and works the arm, but Spoiler sends him to the floor while Gene wonders if Parts Unknown is anywhere near Truth or Consequences New Mexico? Well maybe someday there will be a wrestler hailing from that town and we can ask him. Also Gorilla speculates that there’s actually a Parts Unknown in Texas. Spoiler with a backbreaker for two. McGraw tries a monkey flip out of the corner, but Spoiler blocks it and walks up the ropes for a forearm. Spoiler tries a charge but, SPOILER, McGraw moves and makes the comeback with a shoulderbreaker and elbow for two. McGraw with something that might have been the setup for a piledriver, but Spoiler won’t go along with it and they just kind of fall down and McGraw gets two. Spoiler sends him to the floor. Back in, Spoiler with a double arm suplex for the pin at 8:58. Another bad one where they weren’t on the same page at all. ½*
Intercontinental title: Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana
Finkel announces that the main event of next month’s show is Hulk Hogan v. Roddy Piper, although of course that show, the famous War to Settle the Score, isn’t on the Network. So the gimmick here is that last time they battled to curfew, so this time we’ve been promised a winner and they’ll even waive curfew if they reach that point. That’s a dangerous promise to make for a Greg Valentine match. They trade forearms and Tito slams him before going to a chinlock, but Greg reverses out of that and retreats to the corner. Gorilla notes that someone in the crowd has a sign that must be in Spanish, and he knows it’s Spanish because he can’t read it. Can’t fault that logic. And then they show the sign and it says “Nail the Hammer”. Ah yes, that old Spanish saying. Hammer gets a slam and goes to work on Tito’s back before switching to a gutbuster for two. Valentine goes to a bearhug and then beats on Tito’s ribs with shoulderblocks in the corner. Valentine goes to a lengthy bearhug, but Tito escapes with an atomic drop and chops him down to make the comeback. Tito rings the ears and Valentine bails to the apron, so Tito suplexes him back into the ring for two. Tito tries the figure-four, but Valentine pulls him down by the tights to escape and bails to the floor. Back in, Tito tries another figure-four, but Valentine escapes again and runs away again. Back in the ring, Tito tries the flying forearm and lands on the floor, allowing Valentine to drop elbows on him back in the ring. That gets two, but Tito is in the ropes. Valentine with a shoulderbreaker for two. Valentine softens up the leg and tries his own figure-four, but Tito makes another comeback, so Greg shoves him over and slams him headfirst into the mat a few times before tossing him out to the floor. Back in, Greg drops an elbow on him and tries another figure-four, but Tito cradles for two. Another try and Tito shoves him into the corner to break. They clothesline each other and Valentine winds up on top for two, but Tito fights back with the flying forearm, sending Valentine to the floor on the bump. And Valentine can’t beat the count at 20:22, and that’s the show. ***1/4
I’d call this one a pretty solid miss, albeit a miss with some really interesting debuts.