The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.30.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.30.94

Well, this is a pretty notable episode in the career of Scott Hall, so we might as well go back to these again. Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in! No wait, that’s a different Pacino character.

Hey, are they maybe gonna start advertising Wrestlemania at the beginning of these shows instead of Elimination Chamber? I feel like that might be a more effective tactic.

Taped from Rochester, NY, on 04.13.94, which is pretty quick turnaround for Superstars at that point. They had been running a month behind around Wrestlemania.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

Last week on RAW: Razor Ramon was facing Jeff Jarrett in a non-title match, but Shawn and Diesel run in and beat the crap out of him to soften him up for this week! I have to say, they built this up as a much bigger deal than I remember at the time, because back in the day it seemed pretty out of nowhere.

Mabel v. Jim Massenger

Mabel’s entrance is omitted completely here, as the match starts in the ring and any music is excised. Mabel pounds him down and gets a splash before going to work on the leg. I’m assuming Mo was injured at this point to explain the random singles push for Shamu? Mabel with a DDT to finish at 2:21. As bad of a team that MOM was, Mabel as a single was even worse. 0 for 1.

Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Diesel

Razor is so mad that he’s actually unconcerned about what happens to the gold, as he leaves it in the aisle and attacks! Razor quickly goes for the Edge, but gets backdropped by Diesel. So Razor slugs him out to the floor before flicking the toothpick at him for good measure. Diesel necks him on the way back in and follows with a short arm clothesline, which sets up the side slam for two. Diesel with Snake Eyes and we take a break, and return where we left off with Diesel dropping an elbow on the back for two. Diesel goes to a neck vice, but Razor powers him up into an electric chair drop, or WHATTAMANOOVER if you’re Vince. They’re both out for the double down, but Razor rolls over for two. He goes up with the bulldog for two. Slam gets two. Shawn tries to take the ref, but Razor takes him out, so Shawn undoes a turnbuckle behind the ref’s back. Razor whips Diesel into Shawn for a crazy bump to the floor on Shawn’s part, but Diesel sends Razor into the exposed steel and hits the Jackknife powerbomb to win the title at 5:52. Which then kicked off an unlikely rise to the top that changed the business. No shock here, but they were selling like crazy for each other and it was a really good TV match. The heat machine was OUT OF CONTROL, though, with all kind of overdone reactions in the audio for a crowd that was clearly not reacting on screen. 1 for 2. Also the replay of Shawn’s bump to the floor is amazing, as he goes flying off the apron and then takes a Pillman bump into the railing before bouncing off it and taking another bump onto the floor.

Sparky Plugg v. Tony Devito

So they’ve done away completely with the Thurman / “His Friends Call Him Sparky” stuff and now it’s just Sparky Plugg and that’s that. Sparky takes Devito down and works the arm while Vince explains the backstory for Nikolai Volkoff: He lost all his money due to bad investments and he’s fallen on hard times. Well, the ruble is in pretty rough shape these days. Sparky goes up with a flying clothesline on Devito and a snap suplex, and the flying kneedrop finishes at 3:00. Pretty energetic squash for Sparky. 2 for 3.

KING OF THE RING REPORT! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Todd explains the concept of a “tournament”, whatever that is, and announces the first qualifying match: Scott Steiner v. IRS. Hopefully a show with a tournament that important attracts a guest commentator worthy of it!

Meanwhile, Duke Droese is coming to clean up the trash.

The Heavenly Bodies v. PJ Walker & Mike Khoury

Wait, the Bodies are back again? They double-team Khoury in the corner and Del Ray slugs Khoury down, and Dr. Tom chokes him out on the ropes. Over to PJ, and Del Ray chokes him out in the corner and then goes up with a double axehandle. He follows with a superkick and they finish with a Veg-o-Matic at 3:30. 2 for 4.

Jerry Lawler has a special interview with Dink the Clown, as he makes short jokes to torment him, but Doink the Clown saves. But then Doink pulls out a pair of pies and turns on his midget buddy, before revealing the SWERVE and unmasking as Jeff Jarrett. See, they actually crafted a backstory for this, as Vince had announced that the real Doink was “on vacation” and unable to be there for this interview. I bet a young Vince Russo was watching from his video store and decided that if he got to be involved in wrestling, using that idea 150 times would be genius.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Jason Headings

Vince is grossly offended at the treatment of Dink, because apparently covering someone in silly string is horrific. Well it was certainly stupid. However, more generally distasteful is the idea put forth by Vince that Dink, a full grown man, is somehow too stupid and child-like to understand what was happening to him, and that he couldn’t recognize his own supposed best friend was someone else. Like, he was literally just sprayed with silly string, it’s not like Jarrett was beating on him with a chair or anything. Why couldn’t he just, I dunno, move somewhere else? Or tell “Doink” to knock it off? Bigelow tosses Headings and slingshots him back in, but Headings tries a sunset flip and Bigelow sits on him and pins him at 2:45. 2 for 5.

Meanwhile, Shawn and Diesel pile into a limo and drive off to celebrate. I’m sure they’ll be very responsible and engage in moderation with their partying.

Meanwhile, some guy is busy directing traffic, and claims that the Undertaker got out of the back of a hearse and walked to the park. Pics or GTFO.

Next week: Scott Steiner v. IRS to qualify for the King of the Ring!