The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 03.14.22
Taped from Ft. Myers, FL
Your hosts are Paul Wight & Mark Henry. Oh man, not another week without a real play by play guy. Maybe CODY RHODES will make a surprise run-in and take over commentary by the end of the show. Stay tuned to find out!
Nyla Rose v. Katalina Perez
Perez tries to attack and that goes badly for her, and Nyla hits her with a corner splash and cannonball. Meanwhile, Vickie breaks a Barbie doll at ringside to signal for the finish, and Nyla finishes with the powerbomb at 1:20. And then Perez is at least gifted a “I Survived Nyla Rose” t-shirt so she has that going for her if nothing else. 0 for 1.
Frankie Kazarian v. Tiger Ruas
Thank god, Tony Schiavone is back on commentary here. Ruas is apparently some kind of proprietor of the martial arts judging by his 1982 Superstar Billy Graham setup. Meanwhile Tony is waxing nostalgic for avocado toast while Henry and Wight debate the proper way to say “capoeira”. Kaz necks Ruas on the top rope, but Tiger gets a head kick and german suplex before beating Kaz down. Kazarian with a backslide for two, but Ruas kicks him RIGHT IN THE BREAD BASKET while Tony debates the merits of having a St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Texas. Wight: “I think there’s Irish people in Texas?” Well it’s no worse than Beach Break in Cleveland. Kazarian comes back with a flying forearm and throws some chops, but Ruas goes back to the knees and takes him down with a bodylock and into an armbar. Kaz escapes, so Tiger gets a rollup for two. Kaz with his own rollup for two, but Ruas gets a high knee, so Frankie grabs one last desperate chicken wing and gets the submission at 5:43. Good showing for Tiger. 1 for 2.
The Bunny & Emi Sakura v. Skye Blue & Kilynn King
Paul Wight notes that Bunny is a “dark abyss” of hate, and Henry adds that “Dark Abyss” was his stripper name. Skye Blue gets double teamed by the heels, but she comes back with a rollup on Emi and puts her down with a forearm for two. King comes in with double knees for two and Skye is all fired up, but Bunny trips her up and Sakura takes her down with a backbreaker. Emi with the corner splash and it’s back to the Bunny, who puts the boots to Blue and chokes her out in the corner. Blue slugs it out with Emi, but gets a rollup in the corner for two and that allows King to get the hot tag. She beats on Emi with chops and gets a powerslam for two. Henry: “I just noticed she’s got orange on top of her head. Is Taz gonna OK with that?” Tony: “I would say no.” Bunny and Emi cut them off with superkicks and finish with stereo Down The Rabbit Holes at 6:00. Just kind of an average match. 2 for 3.
Jay Lethal v. Merrik Donovan
They slug it out and Donovan bails and pulls Jay out of the ring, but he gets beat up and dropkicked off the apron. Lethal hits him with a dive, but Donovan necks on the way back in and follows with a flatliner for two. Wight and Henry go full on cranky old man on the kid, complaining about him not going for the cover and spending too much time showboating. And then they go into a bizarre run about how Mark Henry can apparently do an impression of an elephant but chooses not to. Lethal comes back and runs him into the corner for two and tries a figure-four, but Donovan cradles him for two. Jay takes him down with the neckbreaker, however, and finishes with the Lethal Injection at 3:17 while Henry does his elephant impression, as they’ve been teasing for the entire match. Whew, I was worried we’d never get to hear it. The elephant is worth a point. 3 for 4.
Ruby Soho v. Amber Nova
Ruby gets a corner splash and elbows Nova to the floor, but Amber catches her with a knee to the back on the way in to take over. That gets two. Nova with a chinlock, but Ruby rolls into a kick to the face to escape. Ruby beats on her in the corner and follows with a backdrop driver, and then finishes with the riot kick at 3:30. Just a squash. 3 for 5.
John Silver & Alex Reynolds v. The Chaos Project
I sense this will be wacky comedy. Henry throws up the Dark Order sign, so Wight gets the burn of the week by noting “Instead of -1 you can be +400!” Wight carries on with his Luther fact of the week, which is that Luther drives Formula One cars competitively in his spare time, and Tony and Mark both call bullshit on that immediately. Reynolds gets trapped in the heel corner and worked over, including Luther ramming his own partner’s head into Reynolds for two. Serpentico with a superkick for two. Reynolds fights back on Luther, but he gets put down with a lariat for two. Serpentico accidentally superkicks his own partner and that sets up the hot tag to John Silver, who of course runs wild and tosses Serpentico all over the ring. Powerbomb gets two. Luther saves, so Silver puts him out of the ring with a high knee and they double-team Serpentico to death and finish at 4:44. Not quite as wacky as the usual Chaos Project match, but it was good enough for a point. 4 for 6.
And that’s the show! Time for Mark Henry to go get a hot dog and popcorn, apparently. Huge if true.