The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 02.28.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 02.28.22

Taped from Bridgeport, CT

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Paul Wight & Mark Henry

Jora Johl v. Jay Lethal

Wight recently learned that although he thought his dryer was shrinking his shirts, it turned out to be his fridge. Tony: “Well, don’t put your shirt in the refrigerator.” I think Tony missed that one. Jay sends Johl to the floor and follows with a dive and a bit of strutting, but Johl backdrops him onto the top rope to take over. They fight on the floor and Johl puts a beating on him, but Lethal slugs back in the ring until Johl gets a powerslam for two. Henry: “Power is speed and strength combined.” I think most physicists would beg to differ. Lethal throws chops as Wight jokes that Johl’s tattoos read “chop me here”, and the Lethal Injection finishes at 3:27. Johl looked stiff and green as FUCK but this was a decent enough match thanks to Lethal. 1 for 1. Afterwards, Big Money Matt continues his downward spiral, complaining that Johl has also disappointed him and his spot will be DELETED. Huge if true.

Skye Blue v. Red Velvet

Finally the confrontation that we’ve all been waiting to see, as Red meets Blue. Blue takes her down and kind of gets a superkick, while Leyla Hirsch comes out to watch. Velvet with a standing moonsault for two, but Blue superkicks her for two, and then Velvet finishes with a slam thing at 2:25. Apparently Leyla’s reward for getting over so well is feuding with Brandi Jr. Lucky her. This was BAD. 1 for 2.

Frankie Kazarian v. Alan Angels

Wight: “When I think of Kazarian I think of the movie The Professional, because Kazarian is such a professional!” Um, that’s not what that movie is about. But hey, he’s trying. They trade takedowns and Angels shows off his mad kung fu skillz, but Kazarian rolls him up for two and they trade near-falls off that. Kaz comes out of the corner with a bulldog that he turns into a legsweep, although due to UN sanctions it can’t be Russian anymore. Angels tries a wristlock and Kaz takes him down with an armdrag, and then follows with a rebound lariat and a gut wrench for two. “Save ya breath for cooling your pies!” notes Mark Henry. I have no idea what that means but he’s sure passionate about it. Angels fights back with chops and kicks, and takes Kaz to the floor with a rana, but then tries a charge and gets cut off with a forearm from the floor. Back in, Kazarian tries the springboard legdrop, but Angels catches the leg and turns it into a deathlock. Kazarian reverses to his own submission hold, so Angels boots him in the face to escape and cradles for two. Backslide gets two. Rollup gets two, but Kazarian reverses him into the CHICKEN WING to finish at 6:09. I’ve heard it’s more effective if you yell “CHICKEN WING” first, but this seemed to work fine. Good little match here! 2 for 3.

Nyla Rose, Diamante & Emi Sakura v. Kayla Sparks, LMK & Paris Van Dale

Wight notes that the jobbers are going to last about as long as an Oreo cookie in front of Mark Henry. Sakura hits Van Dale with a crossbody in the corner, so Sparks comes in and misses a charge. Rose tries a chokeslam, but Sparks dropkicks the knee and we go back to Van Dale, as Diamante splashes her for two. She drops LMK with a brainbuster for two and then all three heels maul her and Diamante finishes with a submission move that Henry dubs “Why ya hitting yourself?” at 2:40. The green jobbers looked really green here, with a couple of instances where Van Dale looked terrified to be taking bumps from the heels. Also, not having any inside information, but is Paris Van Dale supposed to be Carmella’s sister or is the name just a coincidence? 2 for 4.

Lance Archer v. Fuego del Sol

Archer is mad about not getting to drag his victim to the ring this time, and Del Sol tries to use his speed but nearly gets caught in the Blackout. He lands on his feet, however, and comes back with the kick out of the corner, only for Archer to PUNCH him out and toss him to the floor. Archer teases a dive and then casually steps over the top like Kevin Nash and kicks Fuego from the apron to be a dick. Then he denies the crowd more violence and just puts Del Sol back in the ring. He tries a Blackout out of the corner this time, but Fuego bites his head to block and tries his TORNADO DDT OF DOOM. Archer casually blocks that and chokeslams him, and this time the Blackout finishes at 3:10. Very fun destruction here as Lance Archer killing little guys is always entertaining. 3 for 5.

Legit Leyla Hirsch v. Willow Nightingale

They might want to switch Leyla’s hometown to something over than Moscow unless they want the wrong kind of heat. Willow grabs a headlock and tries to celebrate with a cartwheel, but Leyla dropkicks her mid-move and beats on her in the corner. Leyla misses a charge and Willow puts her down with a Pounce and follows with a cannonball in the corner. Lots of ammo with that one. She goes up for the moonsault, but that misses, and Leyla finishes with the armbar at 2:20. Hey, Willow gave it a good go. 4 for 6. They might have something with Willow down the line.

Evil Uno & Stu Grayson v. Luther & Serpentico

Wight: “I’ve heard that Luther has been spending a lot of time in Quantico profiling serial killers for the FBI.” Tony: “Where did you hear that?” Wight: “I’ve got a secret source!” Henry: “Yeah, it’s called BULLSHIT!” These guys are having so much fun out there on this goofy YouTube show. Stu chops Serpentico so hard that he does a flat back bump, but Chaos Project double-teams him to take over. Serpentico with a spinning slam and Luther gets two from that, but then they try a Hardyz spot and Luther accidentally squashes his partner because they’re too dumb to figure out that Serpentico shouldn’t be the guy on all fours. Uno gets the tag off that and they destroy Serpentico, but Luther saves and cleans house, throwing Serpentico into Grayson like a battering ram for two. “Man, they were posing for the Apter picture” notes Wight. Grayson tosses Luther and comes back with a dive, leaving Serpentico alone to get murdered with the Dark Order’s double team blockbuster at 5:05. Dumb but fun. 5 for 7.

The crowd was REALLY dead for this episode but I still had a good time with it.