The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.23.94
Hopefully last week’s improved pacing can at least get me through another few months of this show, since it’s the only goddamn thing they’re adding to the Network these days.
Taped from Lowell, MA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, doing a rare intro while standing at ringside instead of in front of a green screen. This proves to be a setup for Doink the Clown coming out and threatening Lawler with a bucket of something that turns out to be glitter. HILARITY.
Doink the Clown v. Bert Centino
The jobber chases Dink around the ring like his name was Terry Garvin, but then manages to hit Doink with a dropkick for two. Centino beats on Doink with forearms in the corner, but walks into a boot in the corner, allowing Doink to go to work on the arm. Doink rolls him over with a hammerlock for two and then takes him down with a headlock. Matt Borne used to do all this cool quasi-shooter wrestling stuff to add another layer to the character, whereas Ray Apollo was just a generic good guy wrestler. Whoopie Cushion finishes at 2:43, complete with fart sound effect overdubbed. 0 for 1.
The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Mr. Perfect, and the scuttlebutt is that Perfect has some kind of long-standing animosity with Lex Luger. Perfect denies it, because he and Shawn had issues in the past and yet here they are shaking hands now! In fact, Perfect doesn’t hold any grudge “just because he knocked me out 392 days ago at Wrestlemania 9” and declined to wave the stupid little flags on the Lex Express. So Shawn concludes that LEX is the one holding the grudge. Huge if true. Perfect was great here and it’s too bad he flaked out and this never led anywhere. 1 for 2.
The Smoking Gunns v. Austin Steele & Joe Smith
Once again I have to stan for Austin Steele, who had one of the greatest names for a jobber but never did anything with it, looking more like a Buddy Landel knockoff than someone who should be named “Austin Steele”. The jobbers manage to double-team Billy in their corner while Vince goes on a whole thing about how Piper’s Pit was the best interview segment ever, setting up the feud between Piper and Lawler that the whole world was anxiously awaiting. Gunns debut the Sidewinder as their finisher at 2:00. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, the Mayor of Stamford puts over the WWF for raising $60,000 for education with a live event. That’s nothing, I heard Vince made something like $100 million from the Saudis for a live event!
Meanwhile, some guy talks shit on whatever the equivalent of Twitter was in 1994 and gets his ass kicked. UNBELIEVABLE!
IRS v. Bert Stiles
IRS makes sure to insult Volkoff’s suit on the way by, and that reminds me: What a stupid fucking storyline that was. They spent all these weeks building up Volkoff as a clear babyface, and then just had him join the new Dibiase stable as a heel, leading up to Dibiase abusing him and then…nothing. He spent most of 1994 jobbing to curtain jerking babyfaces on house shows and then left. I know, I know, Vince was basically just giving him a job to be a nice guy, but why do all the TV build then? Irwin with his usual dull squash and then an STF finishes at 3:20. We do get an inset promo from “Chief Jay Slingshot” according to Lawler, who just quips “War”. 1 for 4.
Meanwhile, Duke Droese sorts through garbage, and he’s clearly happy with his career choice, so why would he want to be a wrestler? He sure as hell would get better health benefits working for the civic government.
Intercontinental title: Razor Ramon v. Adam Bomb
This might be the most early-90s match ever. Bomb gets a powerslam, but misses an elbow, allowing Ramon to clothesline him to the floor. Razor chases and Bomb catches him with a short arm clothesline out there, however, and back in for the slingshot clothesline for two. He stops to argue the count with the ref and Razor rolls him up for two, but Bomb sends him into the turnbuckles a few times to take over again. Backdrop suplex gets two. But then Bomb puts his head down and it’s KICK WHAM RAZOR’S EDGE at 3:28 to finish. Did he learn that comeback sequence from Randy Savage? Match was fine, although it was literally just Razor selling for three minutes and then hitting his finish out of nowhere. 2 for 5. And then on the way to the back, Jerry Lawler confronts Ramon, accusing him of using up his luck at Wrestlemania and being afraid of Diesel. So Razor accepts the challenge for next week in one of those things that we didn’t realize was going to change the entire damn business.
The Quebecers v. Scott Taylor & Ben Jordan
The Quebecers double-team Taylor and drop him on the top rope, and Jacques slams Pierre onto Scott, leading to some choking on the ropes. Jacques with his usual amazing piledriver and the assisted cannonball finishes at 2:08. Crazy that the Quebecers had such a huge run as champions and they were about to disappear from the promotion completely. 2 for 6.
Owen Hart v. Gary Sabaugh
Owen takes the Stallion down and works the arm, then hits the Owenzuigiri and legdrop while the crowd is pretty hot for Bret. Sabaugh makes a comeback but walks into the leg lariat and Sharpshooter at 2:52. Stallion made Owen look like a million bucks here. 3 for 7.
And we close with Shawn and Diesel coming out for an interview with Lawler to end the show, as Diesel promises to bring the belt back to the Heartbreak Hotel.
Next week: Diesel v. Razor Ramon in the second-to-last truly notable thing that ever happens on this show!
Although I should stress once again, that once we get to July and the other thing that happens, that’s literally all for the rest of the year and Superstars is on the road to permanently being a recap show for RAW and never recovers.
I actually kind of like the different format they’ve got going on lately, though. Much more peppy and watchable than it’s been in a while. Especially compared to early 94 with the endless “Face to Face” segments and cookie cutter “special interviews” conducted by Boni Blackstone.