The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.16.94
Taped from Lowell, MA, on 03.22.94 with a 3200 sellout.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
MADE IN THE USA Lex Luger v. George South
Vince is still whining about Luger getting “robbed” of the WWF title by Mr. Perfect. HE PUT HIS HANDS ON A WWF OFFICIAL! South tries to attack Lex and gets beat up in the corner as a result, and Lex gets the ALL AMERICAN hiptoss and powerslam. Delayed suplex sets up the BALD EAGLE ELBOWDROP, and then we get the torture rack, which Lex should probably rename in support of the second amendment as the GUN RACK, and that finishes at 1:45, as South submits like the communist enemies of America. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, IRS is still going on about people not paying their taxes.
Return match: Tatanka v. KWANG
Vince namedrops Kerwin Silfies for those waiting for that reference to hit every 20 years or so. It’s like Halley’s Comet. Lawler notes that Wahoo McDaniel is somewhere in the Happy Hunting Grounds sending smoke signals to Tatanka. I bet Trump is banned from that social network too. Kwang gets some chops and blows the dreaded red mist for dramatic effect, but Tatanka goes up with the flying chop for two. Kwang beats him down and goes to the nerve pinch, as IRS joins us to observe. Kwang gets a spinkick and goes back to the devastating shoulder massage before unleashing his martial arts of indeterminate origin and going back to the hold again. Tatanka tries a sunset flip, but Kwang chops to escape it, and you know it hurt like a son of a bitch because Kwang waved his arms three or four times before delivering the blow. It’s SCIENCE. Tatanka fights out of another neck message, but Kwang superkicks him for two and massages the neck for a fourth time. IRS, meanwhile, tries to steal the sacred headdress, and Kwang blows green mist for the DQ at 5:33. So IRS ties the blinded Tatanka in the ropes, blinded by GREEN SLIME as Vince calls it, and then desecrates the sacred headdress while Tatanka screams in anguish. So Chief Jay Strongbow wanders out from catering to save on behalf of Italians Native Americans everywhere, but IRS beats the shit out of him too and then shoves feathers in Tatanka’s mouth. “WHY? WHY?” yells Vince. Because he didn’t pay the taxes! IRS was pretty upfront about his motivations all along. And then Tatanka clutches the fallen body of Strongbow and CRIES TO THE HEAVENS while referees help the old guy out and feathers litter the ring, perhaps a metaphor for the treatment of Native Americans in modern society. Or perhaps a goofy angle with a fake Puerto Rican ninja and a guy obsessed with taxes. Either way, it was a pretty heavy heat angle for 1994 and I kind of dug how far over the top they went with it. 1 for 2.
Men on a Mission v. The Phantom & Joey Stallings
No entrances for this one for whatever reason. MOM double-teams the Phantom and Mabel drops the leg on him and follows with a delayed suplex. The Phantom manages to escape and tag Stallings, who runs into a sideslam from Mabel on the way in. Mabel with the leg lariat to finish at 2:30. As usual, none of the white people in the crowd can wave their arms in time with the beat properly.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Mike Freeman
Bam Bam quickly hits this geek with a corner splash and back elbow, and then slams him and drops an elbow on him before going up to finish with the Lunasault at 1:42. This was apparently also setting up Luna Vachon challenging Alundra Blayze for the Women’s title, although I don’t think that went anywhere. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese is on the way. Yes, we’ve reached the point in WWF history with the wrestling garbageman. Still rather see him than Von Wagner.
The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Owen Hart, who is tired of the Excellence of EXCUSES and will be taking the WWF title from him shortly. Shawn and his hotel-related banter was not a winning formula, however.
Earthquake v. Eric Cody
I keep waiting for one of these geek guest ring announcers to grow up to be someone notable so I can post it to Twitter and blow everyone’s mind, but it never happens. Quake slams the doofus and gets a belly to belly and finishes with the butt splash at 1:45. 1 for 4.
Crush v. Tony Roy
Yes, Nikolai Volkoff is still at ringside in the same suit, thanks for asking. Crush misses a blind charge and Roy gets some dropkicks for his flurry of jobber offense, but Crush puts him down with a superkick. Meanwhile, we have an update from the dressing room, as Tatanka and Strongbow are now filled with RAGE. Well they’re 3 stages into their 7 stages of grief at least. Look for them to be depressed next week. Crush finishes with the Heart Punch at 2:40 as Vince namedrops Stan Stasiak for your hip youthful reference of the week. 1 for 5.
Meanwhile, the Bushwhackers help out with the Easter Egg hunt at the White House. Still not the dumbest people to hang out there.
NEXT WEEK: More on Tatanka! Razor Ramon defends the IC title against Adam Bomb! Mr. Perfect is in the Heartbreak Hotel!
I gotta say, I don’t know if they just edited out all the Live Event Update segments or what, but without them this show was a MILLION times easier to get through, even with the crappy wrestling. Also the Tatanka angle was actually really good, so this is a thumbs up week!